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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting DS ex for lunch

27 replies

Callmeaneggimfried · 12/04/2024 11:04

I'm in London for the weekend, posted some pics from yesterday. DS ex messaged me saying if I spare hour or so we choice meet for lunch. They were together 15-18, broke up as DS cheated and they were going to unis at opposite ends of the country.
Her mum passed when she was young so I felt very maternal towards her, she was lovely. They are now both 24/25, DS is with someone new as is she but I've kept her as a friend in Facebook/instagram.

I have a spare couple of hours this afternoon, she's offered to meet for lunch, I want to go.
DS hasn't replied (and probably won't before the opportunity has passed) but I'm not sure if it is unfair on DS to go, they broke up years ago but it took him a small life time to get over her.

WIBU to go to lunch?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 12/04/2024 11:09

Don't do it.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 12/04/2024 11:10

Do it.

NavyPeer · 12/04/2024 11:12

Of course you can meet her

the were children when they were going out AND he cheated on her

you aren’t meeting up with his 34 year old ex wife who ran off with the two kids and his best mate

hellsbells99 · 12/04/2024 11:13

Of course meet up if you want to.

EveryoneJapan · 12/04/2024 11:15

Yes, of course, I’d do it.

TheFlis · 12/04/2024 11:16

Do it! It sounds like you meant a lot to her and you cared about each other.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2024 11:17

They split up years ago, your relationship with her is independent of the previous relationship between her and DS. I would meet her for lunch.

"I'm not sure if it is unfair on DS to go, they broke up years ago but it took him a small life time to get over her."
"They were together 15-18, broke up as DS cheated and they were going to unis at opposite ends of the country."
He cheated, but struggled to get over being chucked for it? Tough shit.

Have lunch with her.

SiobhanSharpe · 12/04/2024 11:17

You like her, you get on well so why not? I would.
Sounds like a nice meet-up.

ExpulsoCorona · 12/04/2024 11:18

Yes do it, you're a maternal figure to her like an Aunty.

catsgrass · 12/04/2024 11:18

Do it! Have a lovely time. I stayed friends with my ex's mum for a while after we split. She was lovely but sadly passed away a short while afterwards.

CurlewKate · 12/04/2024 11:18

Of course meet her!

lovelyxbones · 12/04/2024 11:18

Yes, do it!

beAsensible1 · 12/04/2024 11:19

It was 7 years ago. I think it’s fine, especially as you were a maternal figure for her.

meet her, it will be nice. And I doubt DS will care.

crumblingschools · 12/04/2024 11:20

Do it.

I assume you get on with DS’s new partner and don’t tell him you wish he was still with his ex. So there should be no problem having a catch up

Spirallingdownwards · 12/04/2024 11:22

Yes go. Your relationship/friendship is separate to theirs

My DS is in his 30s and I am still friends on SM with his school gf and have seen her get engaged, married and have a baby online and we still message each other from time to time. She was like a permanent fixture I our kitchen during gcses and a levels and they split amicably (with no cheating) as they went off to uni and have led separate lives since (he is married with kids too).

Tel12 · 12/04/2024 11:23

Can't see why not. I meet up with my ex Dil occasionally.

Original poster
Callmeaneggimfried · 12/04/2024 11:25

Thank you everyone, I will go, hopefully DS is ok with it!

OP posts:
Nutsabouttopic · 12/04/2024 11:26

Go and have a nice lunch. I still meet up with my DDs ex boyfriend for coffee every so often. They were together for a number of years and he was part of our family. My DD doesn't have a problem with it

fishonabicycle · 12/04/2024 11:27

Of course you can meet her! I'm still in touch with my son's first proper girlfriend (15-17). She's lovely.

takealettermsjones · 12/04/2024 11:30

I'm so surprised at all these responses 😆

My thought is that there's a massive difference between going after your DS has agreed and going 'behind his back' so to speak. Is there a chance he might feel put out by that? I wouldn't want to affect my relationship with my own child. You might be right and he won't care, but do you think he would appreciate being asked first? Could you call him?

Also, I would think about whether you're ready to hear any comments/questions about him and how you would deal with it - would you say you're not going to talk about him, or would you engage? Similarly, if she asks how DS is doing, how much info do you give her? That might be another thing I would want to ask DS in advance.

Anyway I hope it all works out well!

Iwasafool · 12/04/2024 11:30

My late MIL stayed in contact with my DHs first girlfriend for over 40 years. I was constantly told how wonderful she was, her baking was the best, her needlework, well everything. It was annoying, my husband found it really irritating. At the end of the day however wonderful MIL thought she was her son didn't share her opinion. She knew all about our life, our children and it seemed like such an invasion of our privacy.

I'd say as a one off it isn't the end of the world but be careful about it ongoing as it could damage your relationship with your son and his partner.

Original poster
Callmeaneggimfried · 12/04/2024 11:31

takealettermsjones · 12/04/2024 11:30

I'm so surprised at all these responses 😆

My thought is that there's a massive difference between going after your DS has agreed and going 'behind his back' so to speak. Is there a chance he might feel put out by that? I wouldn't want to affect my relationship with my own child. You might be right and he won't care, but do you think he would appreciate being asked first? Could you call him?

Also, I would think about whether you're ready to hear any comments/questions about him and how you would deal with it - would you say you're not going to talk about him, or would you engage? Similarly, if she asks how DS is doing, how much info do you give her? That might be another thing I would want to ask DS in advance.

Anyway I hope it all works out well!

He's at work and we are both only free today, it's very last minute and DS can't answer at work.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 12/04/2024 11:33

In the nicest possible way, it's not his business who you meet for lunch - does he even need to know?

Haydenn · 12/04/2024 11:35

You like her, you want to meet up with her, and your son was a dick for cheating. He doesn’t get a say here in my book

Universalsnail · 12/04/2024 13:45

Your son doesn't get to decide who you are friends with. I would meet her for lunch

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