To ask how we can keep dear relative safe?

[Sweetcheek9]

Just looking for some advice really. I’m very close with this relative and we are all very worried about her. She was diagnosed with FTD dementia (early onset) she’s in early 60s. She’s sadly also widowed. She lives alone. In contact with social services who have recommended a PA which we will have to source for her. The worrying thing is though is her wandering and restlessness. We mentioned to SS about assisted living apartments but they said no as she may wander from there and get lost. She’s not quite at the stage where she’s ready for a care home though yet. She is leaving the house when it starts getting dark and turning up to friends and families houses. We are very worried she will get lost or forget where she’s going. We have a tracker in one of her coats but I think she’s often leaving the house without her coat on. When we take her out as soon as we get back to her house she is restless and wanting to leave the house again. She often walks down to her friends house who is currently abroad but she doesn’t believe us that she is so sets off walking. It’s not a far walk but she will return home and then set back off again. How can we help her with this restlessness? If we try and speak to her about it she shouts at us and says we are getting at her. She is ignoring our phone calls also. Any advice from anyone who has sadly been through similar would be appreciated

I’m sorry, that’s horrible. I would say she definitely needs to be in a dementia-specific care home if she’s wandering and getting angry when it’s mentioned. I don’t know how the British system works (I’m in Australia) but wish you the best.

Thank you @Catsmere It’s really really hard. We do just want what’s best for her. SS don’t seem to think care home is suitable at the moment until her condition progresses. But she isn’t safe in her own home, especially due to the wandering at night. she won’t eat or prepare herself food unless it’s given to her. A PA during the day would help but she seems more agitated and restless at night which is causing the wandering

Social care will try and bat off a request for a care home as long as possible. I would ask for a full assessment and say as many times as you need to, that she is not safe. She definitely is at the point of needing a care home, and unfortunately you’ll have to fight for that. Good luck.

They will also take her wishes into account but with the dementia diagnosis you can argue that she doesn’t have capacity.

Ring doorbell, to alert you when she wanders?

You can get devices that raise the alarm if eg someone gets out of bed in the night or tries to leave their house. Social work should be able to advise on this https://austinmedical.co.uk/

This might be helpful too
https://www.scie.org.uk/mca/dols/at-a-glance/#:~:text=The%20Deprivation%20of%20Liberty%20Safeguards%20(DoLS)%20is%20the%20procedure%20prescribed,keep%20them%20safe%20from%20harm.

Can you put a tracker on her keys, is she usually pretty reliable at taking those with her still?

I know it doesn't solve any of the other issues but might increase your chances of knowing where she is.

My neighbour has an alarm on her door that alerts her dd when she opens it. Her dd lives just 3 doors down so hears the alarm and runs up at all hours to get her mum back in the house. I guess that's only useful if you live nearby.

I think night wandering is one of the tipping points where people are no longer safe to live alone. Or if they're wandering during the day inappropriately dressed or whatever.

Easy to say, a nightmare to actually make the change happen.

It's totally shit op, I'm sorry.

We have had 2 neighbours who did this, one we would tell their family when we saw her out and she didn’t have keys with her, the other would just wonder around and we would take her home, fortunately she always had keys. Both did go into Care Homes as it was becoming dangerous and their families were doing all they could, but they couldn’t be with them 24/7.

What are her neighbours like. I've been a designated key holder for my neighbour when she got to the stage of needing more support. If one of my neighbours were like your relative I'd be willing to offer support if I could. Ring doorbell is a very good idea. I was going to say tracker in handbag, but I saw PP suggested on keys and that's even better.

My mam has alzheimers. She went into a care home before she got to the wandering stage. Dad was her carer but his health was getting worse so my sister & I visited a few care homes & put their names on the waiting list. Dad didn't want to go then, actually he never did. SS saw we were managing with carers 2x a day, & me there lots as I lived very close, but I was working full time & have kids to look after. I was then diagnosed with St.4 cancer so couldn't do as much for them.

A couple of months later dad's health rapidly declined & we couldn't give him the care he needed at home. We viewed more care homes. Then got a call from the one we'd liked best originally to say they had 2 rooms. Dad's room was ready first so he moved in a few days before mam. Mam was too scared to stay in their house alone & couldn't have coped. Going in the care home together meant she could sit with dad all day every day (this hadn't been possible when he was in & out of hospital all summer) till he passed away a week later. They were both 85 then. Mam is now 87 & loves being in the home, where she is very well looked after.

My parents were self funding. Mam still is so I don't know if that made a difference to being able to source the home & move them in. The staff at the care home did assessments before my parents went there.

I think if your relative is so prone to wandering it's time for a home. My friend's DM has alzheimers & wanders, & gets lost a lot. She has also had a few falls whilst wandering, resulting in hospital stays. It's so hard for the DM & the family, but friend's sister is refusing to move their DM to a care home yet.