To feel devastated they don't seem to care

[UndertheCedartree]

I'm in hospital at the moment. I've got whooping cough and been fainting a lot when coughing. I went to see my GP this morning and had very high heart rate/feeling so sick/passed out/jerking limbs/unable to move limbs - anyway an ambulance was called and took me to hospital. I was terrified, tbh.

I've been having tests and scans and treatments all day and need to stay in.

Their dad (my ex-h) had asked me to help him by filling in a form for him. I don't usually mind as he helps me with other things. But I've been so unwell with the whooping cough and he keeps bugging me about doing it. I let him/DS (16)/DD (12) know I'd been taken to hospital by ambulance. Then ex-H phones me...I'm thinking he is checking up on me...no he has phoned me about the form! I just tell him I'm really unwell and hang up.

Whatever. But this is what has devastated me the most...this selfish behaviour seems to have rubbed off on DS - he messaged me to ask about the form. I say are you serious, you've not even asked how I am. He replies more about the form. I reply he has broken my heart. No reply.

I've had no reply to the messages I've sent DD either. Told her I was in hospital, asked if she was ok. She's only 12 and has SEN so a bit younger maturity wise so fair enough.

But DS has hurt me so much. He is almost 17 and autistic but not normally selfish. We were always so close but obviously he's become more independent in his teenage years. But he is usually kind. I'm so sad.

Was it definitely DS who messaged and not ex on DS’s phone?

Hope you feel better soon op

Poor you, I hope you feel better soon. If your son is autistic, maybe he really doesn't understand how vulnerable you feel at the moment. It seems he may be taking his cues from his dad too. They do love you OP. Sending hugs.

He (DS) might be really scared about you being ill and not know how to process it @UndertheCedartree Your kids sound quite vulnerable and at the moment their dickhead father is the one who is present while you recover. So they are perhaps looking to him for a guideline. He’s not worried, so…

You can chat with them when you are home and well. For now, focus on resting and getting the care you need. Can you reach out to any family or friends for love/support?

Sending positive healing vibes and get well soon 💐

If they are with your ex, and it seems so, then you need to think what he may be telling them? He could be saying your texting “in hospital” just means a hospital appointment. Having autism might make them overly trusting and vulnerable to your ex.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. People can be so insensitive at times and really let us down can't they! I can't come up with any excuses for your kids because I don't know them (ex sounds like he's an ex for good reason though). All I know is that because I do everything for my family, ds and dh (who is mentally ill and I'm his carer) they have got used to me being the one who copes with everything. They take it for granted that I've got everything under control so never ask how I am. I had to have a lot of tests in hospital and I found the most support I got was from people on here. I got more sympathy from them than my own ds and dh. So, how are you? I hope they can get to the bottom of what's wrong with you and that you feel better soon. I'm on here a lot and I'll keep checking tonight, so, if you need to talk to someone, just post on here and me, and I'm sure many others, will be here to support you x

I think messaging your son to say he has broken your heart is a bit dramatic!

He is neuro diverse, and with his Dad who is obviously banging on about the form and responding to that.

Sorry you are feeling crap. I'd grey rock this one "i'm ill and can't deal with this until I'm better".

I hadn't thought that DS might be taking his cues from dad or worried but didn't know how to process/vocalise himself. Probably because I'm autistic too. I think because I'm worried about my health it led to me catastrophising that DS had turned into his dad, rather than my sweet boy! Thanks so much!

That's so kind, thank you. I definitely recognise being the one that looks after everyone else!

I just feel so ill, wish I was at home but slightly terrified there is something badly wrong.

Yeah, I know I can be a bit dramatic. I'll explain that was how I felt in the moment when I hopefully see him tomorrow.

My little one has just messaged asking when I'm coming home! So I'm being missed by someone!

@UndertheCedartree I'm so sorry that you are worried. Your mind does run away with you to all sorts of places when you are stuck in hospital waiting for test results. At the end of the day, whatever is wrong or not with you then you are in the best place to get better. You are in the hospital "system" now and you just have to see what happens next. Take some time to rest, let ex look after the kids, just concentrate on you. Let us know how you go on x

@Smokeysgirl - thank you. I'm suddenly missing them both even though there's been times I've fantasised about a hospital stay just to get a break!!

I've been thinking a lot about ex-H and for a long time I always took up his slack. Made things easier for him by making them harder for me. And it just would have been nice for me if sometimes he could take up my slack...or just let me have a rest for once. He has a lot of anxiety and his excuse for bugging me about the form was he was panicking about it. But isn't there a point where his panic should matter less than my physical health problems. He's really upset me. And I am scared that my DS will see his way of treating me as normal. ex-H has many positives too and we are friends, but I think that makes it worse.

DS is lovely and I'm sure if we talk it through he'll understand why his dad's behaviour upset me so much. Going to try and sleep now. Thanks all.

@UndertheCedartree try to get some sleep. I'm sure things will look better in the morning.

I'm not always the best at showing empathy, and I know I sure as hell wasn't at 12 or 17. I totally get your feelings but also think messaging to say he's broken your heart is a bit much.

At 17, the world revolves around you. I suspect he'll look back in 10 years and feel sad he was so blasé about it!

I’m sorry you’re feeling so unwell and your ex husband is so shit. I was in hospital recently too and it’s awful it makes you feel so vulnerable. Have you got any trusted friends you could reach out to? Please don’t send your son melodramatic messages like that though. Gently, it comes across as very emotionally manipulative, especially if he’s neurodiverse and could take it literally!

The thing is I'm autistic too and tend to be very straight forward so his response did break my heart in that moment. I wasn't being manipulative (I don't really understand what I could be manipulating him to do?) - I was just being very honest. I will speak to him about it when I'm home.

Manipulating him to feel sorry for you and therefore behave the way you want him to regarding sympathy/empathy for your current situation. Which isn’t unreasonable, he should be caring about his Mum, but as others have said the world revolves around them at that age even if neurotypical! I’m sure it’ll be fine once you’re home, hope you feel better soon.

Thank you.

And thanks for explaining that.