Is this fair?

[greenShooe]

I just don’t know anymore.

I earn 58k, ex 90k. He pays 950 a month which is slightly more than the maintenance calculator and on top of this he will buy Dd things she needs now and then, if i prompt him. For example last month he bought her a table and chairs set and new sleeping bags and bed sheets. Cost probably around 80 quid in total.

However nursery is 1600 a month. I feel he should be paying half this and his maintenance. The main reason I think this is because I am literally doing everything. My career is taking a huge hit as I am rushing every day to do drop off and pick up. He visits most weekends so I get around 3 hours on a Saturday and 3 hours on a Sunday to myself but essentially I do it all… all her washing, expensive heating bills … you get the picture.

He lives in a more expensive area (for work) and often claims he has nothing left at the end of the month. I don’t see how this is true.

I don’t want to rock the boat but also I know that I am in a precarious situation. I’m hoping to get a promotion but I can only so what I can do and I’m just managing to stay afloat as it is.

do you think this arrangement is fair? I don’t know.

I agree that he should pay half for nursery. It's outrageous that it's not included in child maintenance. My ex used to pay £400 pm but childcare was £800, so essentially he paid nothing towards their care. He earned a lot more than I did. I've no idea why childcare costs are not included when figuring out who pays what.

Ask him politely if he could contribute towards childcare bill and see what he says

@MILTOBE yes it’s ridiculous isn’t it? Not to mention the fuel costs I have on top! I feel really anxious all the time about money and just have had enough.

I can see where you are coming from morally but from a legal perspective, it’s more than fair.

@Hankunamatata he always says he pays half nursery then a contribution on top… of 150. Then extras here and there.

Suggest he looks after her rather than nursery

Tight bastard! He should be paying half of all child cost, that includes nursery!

Why don't you make a spreadsheet and put everything that you spend on your DD to show him?

He thinks 150 covers all her food etc for the month. We’ve never had a full conversation about it but I know he feels that is sufficient.

But 150 from him, 150 from you, plus child benefit probably does cover her essential costs? And if he is happy to buy extras, I’m not seeing that this is particularly unfair.

@RadoxMoon yes that is exactly his point. I do get it, I just feel in a hugely vulnerable position. My 150 contribution was more than wiped out by the bills throughout winter as I can’t scrimp with a young toddler

But you’d have bills to pay anyway? If he pays half nursery costs plus £150 then that probably is fair as if you contribute Ute the same then you have £300, plus child benefit of £100 a month for costs for DC. We have a 2 DC and £400 a month would more than cover their costs after nursery fees are paid.

I’m confused how much a month he gives you? It says 950 in OP but 150 here? Or is this something else

edited to say I see now what you mean, he pays 950 a month but if you use half of that for nursery fees your left with 150 to feed the child. Yeh that seems fair then because you will also contribute to feeding the child aswel, (not sure if you get child benefit?) plus he buys things for the child on top of the maintenance. So yeh the arrangement seems fair

He pays £950 but sees it as a contribution of half the nursery costs and £150 for his half of the costs for DC so thinks it’s a fair amount. It is more than he needs to pay via CMS.

This seems fair to me and I don’t see why someone is calling him tight.

he pays 950, you pay 950 that’s 1900, which is 300 for food and clothes etc which seems fine?

Sorry yes and child benefit. It seems you’ve 400 a month, a hundred a week for one child for additional costs like food?

Thanks, Just updated my original comment as I realised after I posted what OP meant.

He should do nursery pick ups and drop offs. Does he live close by?

He should know that without you paying for childcare for his child, he couldn't work and further his career!

What happens if child is ill? He's got no responsibility, it's ridiculous!

It would be nice of him to pay 1/2 the nursery fees but legally he only has to pay whatever the maintenance calculator says. However it doesn’t look like he even has the child over night so let’s face it what parenting does he actually do? So as you do 95% of parenting it wouldn’t hurt him to pay.

I think in this kind of situation ultimately it pulls down to the kind of relationship you have a co parents. My brother and his ex wife split nursery fees on top of maintenance, co parent relationship is good and healthy.
My best friend his daughter lives with him and her mum won’t even provide shower gel for when she stays over just 2 x per month, her answer is you buy it out of the maintenance. Co parent relationship is rocky

However nursery is 1600 a month. I feel he should be paying half this and his maintenance.

So you want him to pay £1,750 a month? I don’t think that’s fair or reasonable. There’s no way your child’s costs, excluding childcare, come to £1,900 (ie 2 x £950), his maintenance should cover 50% of her costs.

Year op is unclear. So he is covering half the nursery fees plus £150 for food/clothing/nappies a month. Plus buying things as baby needs them..

Sorry yes I think yabu

I think that’s what she’s saying yes. But this is then covering her costs, not her child’s and she’d effectively be profiting from him.

his maintenance do cover half her costs and then some and she also gets child benefit.

so she earns 3600 a month after tax and gets 950 from him and 100 child benefit . So 4650 a month, giving her approx 3k left after nursery, and she would like that to be 4 basically.

it’s written in a confusing way.

While its utterly completely rubbish that he is doing bare minimum parenting and has no impact on his career.

It is true that the direct extra costs of a small, nursery age child, apart from the nursery fees themselves, aren't that much.

£300 a month for food, activities, clothing for a nursery age children is a good amount.

He is not paying spousal maintenance for running your house. He is paying the cost of the child.

It would be a good idea to encourage him to actually do some parenting, pick up and drop off and overnights etc though. Separate from the money

Seems okayish to me.

Was the table/chairs, sleeping bag actually needed though?

If not, I'd be looking at putting that towards nursery fees.