My friends DD is treating my DD badly and it’s affecting our friendship

[Lindylu74]

I met my friend at a baby group when our kids were little and they are now in their late teens. Our eldest DDs have been friends on and off since then, sometimes in the same friendship group and sometimes not. Until recently they were in the same friendship group of 7 or 8 girls and her DD fell out with one the girls in the group. My DD along with some others have tried to remain friends with both girls but her DD insisted that if they continue to remain friends with the other girl she won’t speak to them. Long story short, they have continued to stay friends with that girl and her DD is no longer speaking to them, but it’s particularly my DD she has targeted. If she walks past her on the street she completely blanks her, if they go to the same place on a night out, she bad mouths my DD to other people and she posts pictures of herself with my DDs ex on social
media cuddling up to him. My DD was initially very upset but has decided to just keep away from her and has her own group of friends so is ok. Some context - my DD isn’t the first person this girl has turned against in this way. Unlike my daughter I’m still pretty mad about it. I raised it with my friend who excused it by saying her daughters going through a hard time but then also suggested that what I said couldn’t be true as her DD had denied it. I’ve always had a very close relationship with my friend but I am really finding this difficult. My loyalty is with my DD and I feel that she shouldn’t have been treated that way and I’m struggling to get past it. When my friend talks about her DD I find it very hard to bite my tongue and listen. I just want to say I’m not interested. Aibu? Am I being petty and childish or just a concerned mother?

The fact that she is not willing to discuss it and, instead, simply dismisses it all as a lie would finish the friendship for me.

I'm friends with some of my son's friends mums and the odd time an issue has come up between the boys we have managed to sort it between us by being completely upfront, honest and transparent.

I would no longer classify this woman as a "friend". She's not.

P.S. your daughter is also well rid. The photographs and behaviour speak volumes about her obvious insecurities - it's quite sad really.

I'm friends with some of my son's friends mums and the odd time an issue has come up between the boys we have managed to sort it between us by being completely upfront, honest and transparent.

You sorted out your son's friendship issues with his friends' mums when he was in his late teens????

This girl and DD have been friends 'on and off'. Sounds as if the friendship might have run its course. In any case, OP, you should not be getting involved in DD's friendship issues at this stage - beyond giving advice if she asks for it. Sounds as if DD is behaving sensibly and not feeding the drama, you should do the same. What did you think your friend could do about it when you raised it with her?

No - my son is not even a teen yet!

However, if he was in his late teens, the ABSOLUTE LEAST I would do is actively listen to what the mum had to say. Quite honestly, I'd want to know if my son was behaving like this at ANY age. I'm not a controlling helicopter mother by any stretch, however if I felt he was behaving questionably it would warrant a discussion between us.

I think at that age they've got to sort it out between themselves. I do think it's a normal human reaction to want to make her see her daughter in the same way you do. But It seems a bit hypocritical that you think her DD is bad for making your DD choose a 'side' instead of staying neutral...but you are also kind of wanting your friend to do the same and denounce her daughter. I think at best you should say to her that as your daughtera have fallen out and you both believe their versions of events, it's probably best to stay off the subject of daughters for the time being (I'm sure your daughter would prefer this anyway so nothing about her life, for example the fact she might have been bothered about any pics with her ex, gets back to her ex friend)

It's really tough because you and your friend are never going to agree about this. You are each going to see things from your respective daughter's point of view.

Probably the best way to preserve the friendship is not to discuss it, and if the whole thing really isn't bothering your daughter that is what I would do. But if your daughter is really being upset, I can see that would be difficult to do.

Your daughter is late teens and has moved on from this

I'd suggest you do the same. When your friend talks about her daughter, just nod and smiile