Hi,
Name changed for this as may be outing. Not 100% sure I am being unreasonable but hoping for abit of traffic for advice.
Basically my question is how do people deal with moral guilt/niggles vs their boundaries when attempting to go low to no contact with family?
For context, I've had a pretty traumatic upbringing. My mum was very toxic, borderline abusive and neglectful. I was passed around family members until I eventually ended up in care. I've always had a good close relationship with my grandparents who have been more like my parents than GP. However as time has evolved and the amount of therapy I've undertaken, I've begun to reflect that they aren't necessary the positive role models in my life that I originally thought.
My GM for example is very much a people pleaser, has very little boundaries and is very much family is family. One issue I have is she's enabling family members who are heavy drug users, harass, assault and steal from her without a second thought because she feels sorry for them.
My GD on the other hand is the opposite and what you would generally describe an elder male of his generation (apologies if that offends), has firm boundaries, would go to any length to stick by what he believes in and is has no filter. However he also has some red flags I've started to feel uncomfortable with, like he is very much on the offense, will make comments as a joke that otherwise would be a form of bullying, gets his back up about any criticism and likes to control situations. I cant tell you how many times over the years I've been given an ultimatum of him or a partner but there was 1 very abusive friend/acquaintance i had who, whilst he knew the issues and abuse i was facing, he wouldn't stop trying to push me towards as a more romantic situation and very much had his back over supporting me over 2 years of stalking.
It's got to a head now where I feel they are holding me back and whilst I want to grow and my life to be better, I always feel like i cant fully recover and be who i want to be because im trapped, I'm being dragged back into toxicity and situations that I'm trying to recover from. I don't want the life I feel I'm being forced to have. If the opportunity arose I would happily move to the other side of the world, change my number and never contact any of my family again. I really want that and that is where my head fully is at, I truly think it would bring me alot of peace. However I have this strong moral gut reaction to their your family, they are all you have and I'm the only level headed person they have who they do at times rely on when it suits them. I just don't think there is any way I can comfortably be freely me in recovery and maintain contact with them. But how do I turn that moral part of me off?