AIBU - my ex was emotionally abusive and I’m no contact. I’ve found a new flat which he’s upset he hasn’t heard about.

[Pinksparkles84]

I left my emotionally abusive ex earlier this year. We have a 7 year old DS. I went to view a flat the other day with DS and we both loved it. I put an offer in. Ex has DS 6 out of 14 nights and I have DS 8 out of 14 nights. Ex lives in a 3 bed house that we used to rent together. He said I needed to move out because I was the one that ended the relationship (due to his lack of communication, lying etc). We have very minimal contact and I have a quick chat over handover. DS said that he would tell daddy that we found a new place and I was fine with that if he wanted to say to him. I had a bit of a mental breakdown years ago as he disappeared one night and gave me PTSD. The next day he told me to stop being oversensitive and that there was nothing to it and basically minimised it and then went on to say I have my faults etc. from that I started getting panic attacks and when I asked him for help one night I was having a panic attack he got angry at me and told me to go downstairs so he could sleep. When I said I felt suicidal and needed to go to the hospital he told me I’d be wasting their time and it was unfair to our parents if I asked them for help.
i got a message from ex today to say I’m affecting his mental health and that he shouldn’t have to hear from our 7 year old that we found a flat and how disappointed he is. I’ve suggested a communications book where things like this can be written into. Due to the emotional abuse I really don’t trust my feelings and am worried that I should have said something to him and whether it’s unfair for my son to be the go between. It was something I was going to mention at some point. I am currently living with my parents whilst I’ve sorted a place out. I was originally going to move into a house my dad was doing up but it wasn’t finished in time.

You don’t have to tell your ex anything but it’s not fair on your child to be the go between. He should only be given the bare minimum “need to know” information.

Your ex’s mental health is not your responsibility so don’t let him use that against you, it’s just another mind game.

His feelings shouldn't even pass by your radar. He is trying to control you even now.

Ignore. He’s trying to wind you up.

You only looked at the place, you haven't even moved in yet so it's a bit pathetic that he's claiming it has affected him the way he says it has.

You're not doing anything wrong. I think the communication book could be a good idea if you think it helps shut down this kind of behaviour from him. Otherwise, I'd say carry on as you are, I don't think he's got any right to complain.

Only communicate with him by email. Set up an email account just for that purpose. That includes child contact. It means your child doesn't have to be piggy in the middle and you can keep a note of controlling behaviour. He is still trying to control you and is being an absolute twat

Well, he had no regard for your MH when you were in a bad place, he refused you help, so you really owe him nothing Op. He can't get used to you being out from under his control but you can tell him the absolute minimum now, apart from anything about your DC he has no right to know.

He's lying. Just ignore him. Of course it doesn't affect his MH.

You have started to move on and rebuild your life. You ex was far happier when you lived with your parents and he was happy in your large old home. This is his reaction to hearing you are doing well - it’s totally meant to sabotage your plans and make you feel bad .
his mh is not your responsibility. Perhaps he can turn one of his bedrooms in his large house into a reflection and relaxation room to help him chill out, whilst you move onwards and upwards with your life, never looking back

He’s trying to manipulate you. Agree about setting up an email address that you use only for communication about your child. Or even a separate phone, tell him you’ve changed your number and only use that phone to message him about your DS. Look up grey rock technique too.

He’s still trying to get to you.

Lol you've done nothing wrong ignore him.

Just because someone sends you a message, doesn't mean you have to respond to it.

Trust your feelings. They are right.
The only information you need to share with him is important info e.g. about school or health for your child.

A communications book, or a dedicated email address, where all correspondence is in writing would be a good idea.
The advantage of a dedicated email address is it doesn’t require a physical book to go back and forward that can be lost. Also, you can decide when you will look at that particular account so it doesn’t intrude on your time.

Tell him to go downstairs so you can get some sleep

How is the information that you might be moving into a new flat remotely detrimental to his mental health?

He's fucking ridiculous.

Tell him he's a wet lettuce and ignore any further ranting. It's none of his damned business.

Hi @Pinksparkles84 , It takes time after abuse to learn to trust your feelings but maintaining low contact will help speed up your recovery.

Your son is not a go-between in this situation. He simply wanted to chat with his dad about looking at a house with you. Your offer hasn't been accepted so there is nothing concrete to tell just yet. It would be ridiculous for you to report to him on everthing that may or may not happen in the future. What an insane thing for him to have a melt-down over.

You've done nothing wrong. He has just taken an opportunity to prey on your compassion/guilt/fear. It is really common for perpetrators to parrot back things you may have said to them in the past simply because they think it's likely to make you feel bad. He will also be tracking your reaction, as if this seems to allow him to control you he will use this strategy again. So ignore him where possible.

Abusers continue to abuse even after break-up. This is a well-documented tactic. They will continue to try to exert control in any way they can.

Give no heed to anything he says.

Have only 1 written route for contact. Email or whatever you choose.

Do not enter into any communication with him except to arrange child contact.

He's your ex, it's none of his business if you choose to find a new home. Why on earth would this affect his mental health? Seems he's still trying to mess around with your emotional and mental wellbeing by making you doubt yourself.

I like the suggestion, made by another poster, to set up a new email account just for communication with him. Email will mean you'll have written proof if he tries to deny things in future, twist words etc. He doesn't have to know all details of your life, he certainly doesn't need to know you're house hunting. Despite what he thinks you don't need his permission or approval to move on with your life.

Best of luck, hope your offer is accepted!

Nobody has ever died from being upset. He is a big boy and can take care of his own emotions without your involvement.

You're not together anymore. You don't have to think or care about his feelings ever again really.

Why is he upset that you have a place to live? Did he think you would live at home with your parents (and therefore not date anyone new) forever?