AIBU to think he is so lazy

[podcastobsessed]

My DP works from home 24/7 while I am in office 2 days. Monday night I came home after being out at work for 13 hours and had to take the dog a walk. He needs 2 walks a day usually but my partner will sleep in til 9 when he starts work and only do a walk at lunchtime. He obviously looks after the dog for the hours I'm at work but that doesn't entail much other than feeding him and the 1 walk. We have other issues going on with split of household duties but this just feels like the breaking point when I come home so exhausted and have to go out while he sits and watches tv. If I don't do it then the dog is the one who suffers and doesn't get enough exercise. AIBU?

So you're both at work (regardless of where that is), he took the dog for 1 walk and so did you. I think more context is needed on what the other issues are as this alone doesn't seem to be an issue.

@TayIor thats fair i guess. The days I am at home I do all the walks etc and I do all the daily housework

Are you working on those days at home? And I suppose it depends on what your jobs are, like I work from home and some days I can have things really organised whilst in between meetings and in between waiting for things to upload etc, other days it's flat out 14 hours with no break.

Yes I work those days and usually an hour or so extra. Both busy at work, both get a break for lunch and I do both walks those 3 days I'm home so it just feels unfair to then come home from a longer day to walk the dog and clean up when he is there all day.. perhaps I am just being unreasonable as I was feeling tired.

why are you doing all the housework?

So it sounds like you're as busy as each other, so then he's being unfair. Why are you doing all the housework too?

I used to get him to help with the housework and ask him to clean the floors/ take recycling etc out while I do the rest but it rarely ever got done so I always ended up doing it. When last brought it up he says I don't think it needs done that often (weekly clean we are talking) so if you want the house cleaned that often you should do it and descends into an argument. His flat used to be a complete bombsite when he lived alone so different standards and I can't bear it.

Why are you doing both the walks and the housework.

Divy up the housework, including the dog. If he doesn't do his bit, leave it for him to do. Stand up for yourself.

You don't accomplish anything by doing it all, other than it becoming your job by default. stop it.

Please don't have kids within useless man, he can't even bother to do his fair share with a home and a dog, you will suffer if you have dc. Yanbu, absolutely pathetic of him to not do the walks or clean if he's home all the time!

Who wanted to have a dog?

Housework and kids should always be shared equally as in each case they are the responsibility of (and equally ‘created’ by) the two adults involved. However, dogs are not unless both people were equally keen to get one in the first place.

One walk each doesn’t seem unfair, if you were both keen to get a dog. If he was pushing for it: you shouldn’t be walking it at all after a long day; if you wanted the dog: frankly, he’s doing you a favour by walking it and looking after it during the day.

I suspect the issue is more with the housework and him seeing everything a ‘wife work’ (and dog just gets bunched up in the same category).

Stop "asking" him. he has a responsibility to maintain the home same as you.

maybe he needs the more tangible tasks, so laundry, dishes, taking out the rubbish, cleaning the bathroom. As these can easily be seen as building up, but also if he was disgusting before you lived together why would he stop being so?

His flat used to be a complete bombsite when he lived alone
Did you think that he'd change?

We don't weekly clean, we just daily do what needs doing and keep on top of it all between us. I'd hate to give up one of my weekend days to a clean. Is there a better way to tackle it?

The dog isn’t the issue here, the house work is. At least three days when you take the dog out he should be getting on cooking dinner.

if he thinks a weekly clean is enough is he actually doing this or just leaving it to you?

I had one of these men, i binned him and am much happier now. My solution may be a bit extreme for some, but these men never improve and I wanted a relationship, not to be a servant

@Haydenn yes you are right as I would not at all bother about getting out a walk with the dog if I didn't feel like everything else was on me too. He doesn't think a weekly clean is enough - he thinks that is too often! So I do the weekly clean at weekend plus all the day to day cleaning surfaces, sweeping floors, washing, dishwasher etc.
He is of the approach of try not to make a mess so there is nothing to clean up but obviously there is still mess to clean especially when you have a dog that sheds. He doesn't even put his packaging in the recycling bins or load the dishwasher daily, put his clothes in the basket etc, he would let it pile up until god knows when which I just can't stand. This is what I come home to then have to also take the dog out while he sits playing video games. I have spoken to him about this but nothing changes

I think there's always a problem when there's a disconnect between what one person thinks is necessary and what the other thinks is necessary. I wouldn't live in a pigsty but I would also not be happy if I was told to clean when I personally thought it didn't need doing and there is no way I'd be agreeing to a 'weekly clean' schedule at the weekend. If something's bothering me, I'll clean it. If it's not, I won't. I can't remember the last time I cleaned the floor! At some point I'll notice it looks like it needs doing and I'll do it, but I don't have a schedule. If my partner thinks it needs doing before I do, he'll do it.

The fact that your partner's place was a mess when he lived alone was a pretty clear indicator of how he was happy to live. Those are his standards. Presumably they're pretty low! But ultimately, that's what he's happy with and (infuriating though it is) I can sort of see his argument that he shouldn't have to meet standards that you've set.

I realise this doesn't solve your problem though! I'm just wondering whether you could maybe compromise and relax your standards a little bit if he's prepared to elevate his slightly?! I mean, I wouldn't be fussed about a weekly clean but he could definitely put his clothes in the basket and plates in the dishwasher, ffs. That's bare minimum, I'd say.

@KreedKafer makes sense and I see your point. And I did know what he was like so that's on me but he did say early on that it's only because he lived by himself, he would make more effort if other people were round all the time or living there (which clearly has not come to fruition). To be fair, it is probably the leaving everything at his arse and the dog that is the bigger problem than helping with the other cleaning. Just feel like a slave sometimes. I also just think when he is at home more he could be at least helping out with the dog more if he doesn't want to clean etc but I do see your point about compromising as my standards are obviously very different to his and a bit unfair to force that on him.

My dsil was a bit like this.
One day dd had enough and every item of his clothing that was on the floor was bagged up and binned.
He’s a lot better now at picking up his stuff!

@podcastobsessed

Maybe consider doing less around the home if he's not agreeing with your level of housekeeping? Would you be able to bear that?

Also consider not doing anything which affects only him (so he's responsible for his own laundry, own life admin (eg his car if you have your own car). Also he should be sharing tasks like cooking - and if he's not but expecting you to do everything or you're cooking from scratch see how you can pull back in that a bit? Does he cook the dinner for you both on the days you're working outside the home - or is that your responsibility too?

I couldn't see mention of children in the relationship. It sounds as though he'd leave the lions share of childcare to you too - so think carefully. 🌹