To ask for help with managing trauma response

[Judithapples]

Hi mumsnetters,

Posting here for traffic with a NC account for privacy. I’m desperate for advice but also looking for a handhold. I don’t know what to do.

I had a really bad childhood with lots of different types of abuse, sexual, physical, emotional. Part of growing up involved me being very anxious and scared of my mum’s moods and reactions as they were unpredictable and would often result in me being beaten or shouted at on a regular basis with seemingly no trigger. I learnt to tiptoe around her but of course was always desperate for her love and affection. It was like a vicious cycle with her either being loving, or really really cold and critical and I could never tell which version I would get. It was a scary and lonely childhood.

Fast forward to now - I had therapy, doing well generally with a good career, friends, a life I’m happy with. I’m in a loving, committed relationship with someone I love deeply and want to settle down with but I’ve found myself repeating this cycle without being aware of it or seemingly being able to stop. Friends, family and my partner describe me as kind and caring and very dissimilar to my mum in lots of ways. However my partner’s experience of me sometimes is exactly the same as it was for me growing up and I really really hate this about myself (eg they have raised that i can be very cold and critical and they are never sure which ‘version’ of me they will get) and I really hate that I hurt them. They are so wonderful. I feel so terrible and upset that it seems like I’ve ended up like my mum. It’s got to a point where my partner is now understandably unsure about the future of our relationship which I’m devastated by.

My experience of myself is that I sometimes without warning dissociate and stop having emotions towards my partner - I can’t describe it but I sometimes just feel like they are an acquaintance. This happens without warning and without a trigger. Other times, my partner upsets me in some way and I find it hard to tell them and I shutdown and struggle to speak which is obviously hurtful for them. I then feel really distant and struggle to be loving towards them. And then other times I can be critical without meaning to be (eg I sometimes find myself talking to
my partner in similar ways that my mum
spoke/speaks to me).

I’m writing this in tears - I feel like I’m broken and that I’ll never be able to fix this part of myself that I hate. I will obviously get therapy for past trauma which I think is contributing, but I’m wondering if anyone has had similar and come out the other side? I’m struggling to see any hope for myself or my relationship if this continues and i’m struggling to see how therapy can help.

thanks for reading this far if you have.

Honestly do not underestimate how much good therapy & actively engaging with therapy can help you with this.

Therapy will enable you to be more self aware, to teach you how to communicate more clearly, and could even allow you to understand what is triggering your behaviour at these times. Once you have spent some time in therapy yourself, it may even be beneficial for you & your partner to attend therapy together.

Trauma is in the body. So often therapy alone isn't enough as you can't think yourself out of a response. Look into somatic work , lots of things like TRE (David Berceli on YouTube) EMDR , vagaries nerve stimulating devices, simple things like humming , singing shaking all can help but in your position you may need an experienced practitioner to help you.

Your autonomic system is still protecting you and needs to relearn what is danger and what isn't. It is possible to heal

I feel like I’m broken and that I’ll never be able to fix this part of myself that I hate

This part of you is the part that is still trying to protect you, not from physical or sexual abuse but from emotional damage - I know it feels like it's working against you but it really isn't. It is following a strategy it adopted when you were a child and had no option but to accept the behaviour that was meted out to you. It IS possible to change this, but it has to be at a subconscious level rather than with your rational mind. Remedial hypnosis or EMDR could help.

Therapy can make a massive massive difference but it will take time.

I have similar and have had problems with dissociation. Therapy and working on my body have helped massively.

When you get upset and shut down,can you maybe write it out? Sometimes I have to text dh from another room as I don't feel able to talk or share with him there (due to ex, in no way his fault).
Have you only had therapy or have you been properly assessed by a psychiatrist? Could you have something like Emotional Intensity Personality Disorder, which can cause untriggered dissociation? It may be worth seeking diagnosis if you don't already have one.

Have a look on the mind website for PTSD tips and grounding techniques, keep communicating with your partner whenever and however you can. Stay strong and good luck!

Yep. I agree with others. I felt exactly like you , totally broken and I like I could never get any better but I have been having EMDR for a couple of months and can already see a significant difference.