To wonder where it all went wrong

[Theroadnottravelled]

My life is a bit of a mess. Work wise I was in a previous role for over a decade and moved last year to a new company after I felt undervalued after Mat leave and the whole team changed. The new company is not a good fit for me, I’m very stressed with high anxiety and I can’t manage the workload or expectations. I also have preschool kids and it’s all too much. So I’ve handed in my notice because I can’t go on. I feel a total failure as trying to manage everything isn’t feasible. I have a DH, he’s supportive but we need two incomes. Has anyone else ever felt the same? Does it get better? I’m wondering what the point of it all is, my mental health and confidence has been shot to pieces.

"It's a bad day, not a bad life."

You've changed jobs and the new job isn't a good fit. It happens. Take what you can from it between now and the end of your time there, and any time you feel like you're drowning, try to remember that you only have X number of days left that you have to make it through.

Identify what you don't like about the company/role (too big? too small? toxic culture?) so that you can try and avoid a repeat in your next role. Ask your DH to take your kids out for the morning or afternoon at the weekend so that you can have the space and peace to apply for new jobs.

But the big picture is that it hasn't all gone wrong and you haven't failed - you just don't like your job and it's making you unhappy. Trying to keep all the plates in your life perfectly balanced at all times is really hard. Focus on trying to control the things you can control and letting be the things you can't.

Use this time in your life as a pivotal point to reflect and make changes. Sometimes things feel like a bad fit and make you uncomfortable, I would embrace this as a push towards doing something different and moving your life in another direction.

How many kids do you have? I think work changes a lot after kids. I have two (one with severe SEN) and I feel working FT almost and dealing with everything else is close to impossible and my partner and I are chronically stressed. My son isn't likely to ever grow up and get 'easier' like most kids do either, so that pressure will always be there.

Life is very hard now for families, so don't feel like a failure.

Some jobs are easier than others for the same pay. It sounds like your employer may have unrealistic expectations, so maybe look for a new job?

I can empathise. I had a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old, both at home during Lockdown whilst my partner and I both had full time jobs. Even with school open it’s really hard and easy to underestimate the mental load of juggling it all. It got substantially easier the year before my youngest started school and another huge leap ahead when my youngest started reception. You can’t see it when you’re in the depths of it but life with young kids is hard. It might feel like a long time til your youngest turns 3/4 but in the grand scheme of your whole working life it is a short period no what you need to to get through it unscathed.

I kept working because I didn’t want to take myself out of the workforce but very much did the bare minimum at work to get by. But it was an awesome feeling when I started to feel the mental fog was clearing and I’m now (mostly) a fully functioning employee.

My Mum (may she RIP), used to swear sometimes that Women's Lib had done women no favours at all.

Back in her day, once you had children, the men earned the money and the women looked after the home and the family. Women were not expected to juggle all of that with also working full time in a stressful job, because quite frankly there aren't enough hours in the day.

It's great that women can now earn the same as men etc, and that there are no barriers to success, that was a wonderful outcome and she appreciated that, but let's face it, unless you can afford a Nanny, it is extremely difficult to keep all of those plates spinning and for something not to give.

I think I remember her saying, that the strapline for Women's Lib was that "women can now have it all", but maybe we were just being sold a load of shite?

Because that works if you are earning £100k+ with a fantastic live in Nanny, but if you are working 40 hours a week, in a low paid job and can't afford any help, the reality is that you are going to tits up at some point through sheer exhaustion.

I'm sure there are some wonderful men out there, who do 50% of the housework, laundry and cooking etc, but in my experience, men invariably do a lot less of that and certainly carry far less of the mental load, which means that women are burning out. Hey, but don't worry Gals, you now "have it all".

No real advice, other than could you go part time and reduce some outgoings? You are by no means a failure, you are a human being who only has 24 hours in a day!!

I agree with this and thank you. I’m grateful that women have so much opportunity now but at what cost? Our role just got bigger but with no more time to do it all in. It’s awful really. So much burn out.

When I lived on a very posh estate (pre my divorce), most of the Mum's didn't work, because the men were high earners. Which kind of demonstrates what a lot of women would opt to do, if money was no issue.