Is this abuse?

[notsurea]

Very close family member of mine has DD who is 14 (also very close family member). DD is just 14, but mentally much younger and attends SEN school.

DD has a boyfriend. They seem to do everything together. However, I have learnt he stays over their house and they sleep in the same bed. I am concerned as the DD is my family member, (very close blood related) and I am frightened she will not understand she could be taken advantage off and I am not sure she even understands consent.

I am worried she could fall pregnant or be raped. I have tried to gently say to my family member but they have taken no notice at all. To be honest, it feels like they are actively encouraging them to spend time together and does not care they sleep in the same bed and she is becoming isolated from friends and family.

What would you do? Would you be concerned?

What are her parents thinking? Can you talk to them about it and suggest that allowing them to sleep together at 14 is really risky?

I think a lot would depend on the age of the bf? If you don’t feel you can speak with the parents without it causing unpleasantness i think you may need to look at reporting to SS if you’re that concerned or maybe even a call to her school for them to safeguard her. If she’s a child and a vulnerable one at that then she needs people to step up and call out a clear safeguarding issue. I’d rather step up and be wrong than do nothing and be right. Good luck.

It doesn't necessarily sound like the boyfriend is abusing your family member but it sounds like her parents are putting her in a vulnerable position where its certainly opening up the possibility for it to happen.

That would be too young for me personally but unfortunately, there isn't really anything you can do. Maybe speak to your 14yo family member if you're quite close and see how she feels? What's her understanding of the relationship she's in? What do the parents say?

I don't think its wise any 14 year olds being allowed to share a bed with their boyfriend/girlfriend, but depending on the level of SEN for her, or him, (which can vary massively) I'd potentially be worried about capacity to consent and how much they both understand about contraception etc. I'd also be worried if there was a big difference in the SEN level between the two or an age difference. I'm also curious that the parents/guardians of her boyfriend don't seem to be concerned.

It is utterly stupid to let any 14-year-old, especially one with presumably fairly significant learning disabilities, share a bed with her boyfriend.

As for “Is it abuse?” that depends on a lot of things. Are you are asking whether the boyfriend is abusing your relative, or are you asking whether the parents are abusing her by not safeguarding her?

The former would depend on how old the boy is, whether he also has similar SEN etc. From your post we don’t know if he might actually be vulnerable too, and may also lack capacity to make decisions. If there’s a gap in age (or just in mental age, or intellect) then of course that’s a lot more likely to be an abusive or exploitative situation, rather than just an inappropriate one.

I think the girl’s parents are certainly neglectful/negligent. More detail would be needed to know whether they were abusive. But it’s awful parenting on their part.