AIBU to not know how to help my small person? ASD? Trauma?

[Bumblingbee101]

Wise mumsnetters buckle up its a long one.. posting for traffic in the hope someone has some wise advice. Go gently please I'm one exhausted mama.

My little boy has just turned 4, I'm well versed in childhood behaviours, 15 years background in education, I know a lot about the spectrum but I just don't know what to do anymore..

Context- his youngest sibling was born end of Sept 22. He had language but not lots he was 2.5. I was very ill after 8 weeks in hospital, 4 in ICU very nearly didn't come home and now have lots of medical issues (think hospital appointments x3 a week). We kept everything as normal as we could when I came home but it was extremely hard.

Fast forward a year and his behaviour starts deteriorating, answering back, no etc. Mpre language. Mini tantrums. We kept his preschool and nursery teacher informed of everything. A support plan was created.

The last 2-3 weeks he throws everything, has starting slapping his baby brother across the face for no reason at all. They are never alone together ever. He can be kind and cuddle him then out of nowhere slap. Started kicking. And the language.. he will just start screaming and shouting unfortunate words he has picked up from his previous setting (we moved him as soon as we found out what was going on as did lots of parents I feel the damage is done). Everything is no. Mentioned guns as he knows from school it is a bad thing as other boys have been told off. He picks up on everything but it seems to be all the bad things but we have a pom pom jar and trying to constantly praise the good but he isn't bothered..
Its a firm no thank you from us, remove him from the situation with a fidget toy if his behaviour is dangerous, if we deem attention seeking we ignore ignore ignore. Nothing is working he is getting worse. He kicked me as I was putting my shoes on causing my nose to bleed today ;(

He was the sweetest cuddliest boy. We know he has issues around the hospital and me leaving him. He is on a waiting list for play therapy. Also a waitlist for an Sen meeting the wait time is approx 86 weeks :(

The school are out of options I honestly do not know what to do. Is little brother adores him but its getting to the point where I can't do anything and I just want to help him. Any ideas?

I am no expert but I am a mom of a boy who sounds similar to yours. I followed lots of parenting feeds and they only thing that made sense to me and worked was, connection before correction, lots of quiet deep hugs. It’s possible that something has traumatized him whether it was missing you while you were in hosp or the other Creche, and he’s not got the words to explain to either himself or yourself, he’s so young, his prefrontal cortex is not yet developed so physiologically he’s not got the capacity to self regulate. So you have to help him regulate, to soothe him. That connection, lots of hugs & love in good times and bad. Ours was having nightmares on top of everything and I sleep beside him every night, he seems so much better when I make a big effort to maintain connection. So glad you’re well and wishing you the best

It’s probably not this as you have had very stressful circumstances but have a read about PANS / PANDAS

I often think the advice to ignore negative attention seeking behavior can be misguided as kids tend to ramp up the behavior rather than getting bored straightaway! With my son I can ask him if he's doing something negative because he wants attention. If he says yes (which is almost always) then I explain he needs to stop and then he will get good attention, and I tell him how (e.g. at dinner refusing to eat or mucking around with food, I tell him to stop and when he eats the next spoon he will get loads of good attention for eating his dinner like a good boy). Sounds simple but it works for him, I always tell him he can have the attention but he needs to take the first step to being good first. The fact that there's a sibling makes me think he just wants your love and focus so rather than ignoring, could you try making it really easy for him to see how he can get good attention from you?

Yeah this is so important! Connection before correction and lots of regulatory activities (rocking, bouncing etc.). I would recommend looking up PACE as well.

Agree wholeheartedly with the above posters about connection. Maybe he is feeling angry about your illness but can’t properly understand it or say it. Coupled with the arrival of a sibling (which in his eyes was at the same time as you getting ill and more absent, how does his brain connect that?) and changing setting (possibly another loss in his eyes?) then that is a lot of change in a little person’s world. My suggestions would be to promote a sense of safety by lots of love, connection and regular loving routines. Nurture him more like when he was younger to help him move past this tricky stage. Hope things get better for you soon x

I agree with the connection approach. How can you build more loving closeness with you in to your daily life? Like lots of long, deep hugs, going on your lap, tickles, horsey - whatever he likes to do with you. I often sleep in the lower bunk of my little boys bed as he struggles to get to sleep without that closeness and will wake up scared. Just an example, but it’s the being there and present thing.

love bombing is good, but you may need to do it a few times before he relaxes and stops trying to ‘test’ you - the first time he may play up. But just calmly go home, and then next week try again, and while you’re planning it with him talk about what happened last time in a light way and say this time we won’t do that again.

💐 sounds tough right now.