To be annoyed DH is going away

[riesfae]

DH is on disability benefits and I work FT, we have 2 late primary aged children.

DH goes out once a week to a hobby and is away for a weekend for 3 nights next month with the hobby. He also has a night away coming up for a friend's birthday.

I reviewed the finances recently and said I don't think we can afford for you to go to either thing as we have booked a family holiday abroad for the summer. I deal with all the big purchases and I hadn't even considered his weekend away as I've been concentrating on saving/paying for the holiday and other large outgoings that have come up.

Today he's managed to come up with several hundred pounds that means he can now go on both things. This money was supposed to come to him in February but it never arrived and he kept saying he'd need to chase it up but didn't until today. The money is all above board, think along the lines of underpaid benefits and due a repayment.

He thinks it's great because he can now go to both things whereas I'm thinking the money could go towards the holiday or things we want done in the house. Or if he'd sorted it out sooner he wouldn't have had to ask me for money each month from my spending pot, or the money I had put by in savings/for the holiday, to see him through to the end of the each month. We each get the same amount to spend per month after bills and some added to savings.

I don't have time for hobbies during the week as I work later and I'm shattered by the time I've finished. I don't go away for weekends without him either although I could if I wanted to.

I don't know if IABU or not.

Not being unreasonable- he doesn't bring any money in, you should all get to enjoy this windfall.

I think it’s time you looked at finances again.

All money is shared, except his money? Not really fair is it?

I am of the opinion that when I know a lump sum is coming my way, eg a bonus, I make a ‘plan’ for the money before I get it. You say this money was being chased an was expected—had you discussed how that money would be used once it arrived?

It wasn't being chased until today and we didn't know it was going to be as much as it was. He thought it would be about £150 but it's turned out nearer £600.

Sounds like you're overdue a windfall of time and budget for social activities/hobbies yourself.

My DH told me once (when I complained about his going to the pub on the way home from work every day while I was sleep deprived and caring single handedly for multiple children) that no one will ever give you time, you have to take it. Life changing advice. You work hard, have a hobby. Dont expect him to tell you when you can squeeze in you time - make it work!
And no, you're not BU. He is bringing thoughtless and selfish. Hopefully pointing that out will be enough to put it right

He's not tight with money when he gets it - that's the problem! He cannot budget at all and hadn't put anything in place for the weekend away although it happens every year so isn't news to him! I budget for Christmas, the kids birthdays, holidays etc etc. He blows all his money in the first 2 weeks of getting it and then I need to subsidise him from "my" money.

He got a lump sum a couple of years ago which was used to pay off my debt allowing me to get a mortgage after us renting for a long time.

He just thinks money is for spending with no thought to what's ahead.

To add, I also do this. My bonus from work is due just before we go on holiday. Guess what I've earmarked it for... 🙄

I'm sorry for you OP. I think you need to be honest with him and say the money is needed for other things. Could it all the money went to you, including his benefits and then he had a monthly allowance, like you'd give a child? That way he would have some choice over spending or saving, but not with all the family's money?

You have 3 children, most unattractive.

@riesfae
Don't you think it's odd your h gets the payout the same day he enquires about it? Is it possible he's had the money since February but just didn't tell you until his weekend away was under threat?

Why are you subsidising him when he spends his money in the first 2 weeks? Teach him a hard lesson by not giving him YOUR money.

You say he paid your debt so YOU could get a mortgage, does he pay anything to that? Do you have an account where your wages AND his benefits go in to? Like someone else said, you need to look again at your finances, stop handing out your own play money and starting doing something for yourself.

You need a serious rethink about finances, your DH is out of order.