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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended?

71 replies

Glittered · 09/04/2024 17:35

So Ive been seeing a guy for a few weeks
we met online
hit it off straight away. Ive been very selective and saw no red flags
we get on so well and the chemistry was there more so in person

fast forward a few weeks and he said something the other day that has made me rethink the whole thing

we both love banter. i laugh so much when Im with him

He is new to online dating but I was honest and told him Ive been on a few dates but they just werent matches in real life

He constantly calls me a veteran in the online dating world. Ive laughed it off but it does get tiresome he says its just his sense of humour

The other day after we spent a great couple days together he 'jockingly' called me a slag

this was in a text
I was actually quite offended

I didnt reply for a while but eventually told him not to ever call me that again even as a joke.

His reply? he simply put 'soz'

well Im just not good with this.
We still talk but i feel he has gone quiet a bit since this

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Glittered · 09/04/2024 19:03

Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 18:53

I dont think northerners have the monopoly on slang and what they do or don't find offensive so there's literally no point in everyone chipping in with the "I'm northern and..."

The point is did he mean it seriously or was he joking? And how he apologized, which is coming across as either immature or sheepish. I dont like the way hes backed off tho.

yea exactly has he backed off because I called him out on it and hes feeling bad?
or just the fact i spoke up?

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 09/04/2024 19:06

Fuck that shit. I've never ever been called that except by an abuser.
Please block him immediately the fucking arsehole. It will only get much worse if you accept this.

LoobyDop · 09/04/2024 20:02

Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 18:53

I dont think northerners have the monopoly on slang and what they do or don't find offensive so there's literally no point in everyone chipping in with the "I'm northern and..."

The point is did he mean it seriously or was he joking? And how he apologized, which is coming across as either immature or sheepish. I dont like the way hes backed off tho.

Nobody is claiming we have “the monopoly on slang”. I was quite keen to correct the apparent assumption that northerners as a homogeneous group are comfortable with ugly, misogynistic slurs being thrown around as fun bantz, or that this is standard acceptable behaviour across entire swathes of the country. I find that a point that is literally both valid and worth making, particularly if several of us do so.

Ohnobackagain · 09/04/2024 20:14

ilovemybedcushions · 09/04/2024 18:01

Absolute red flag 🚩
I had something very similar a few months back with a man I met OLD. He claimed to be really inexperienced with online dating and though I never insinuated that I'd been on loads of dates I said I had been on a few but been clear that these were coffee type dates (so no suggestion I'd slept with any of them, not that it mattered!)

Anyway after a few drinks one night when we were together he referred to me as "Miss Promiscuous"... I didn't take kindly to this one bit and despite the fact he did apologise profusely I knew I'd never move past it and that somewhere in his mind he had that view of me and it would come up again... he showed other slight signs of being jealous and insecure.

I never saw him again.

@Glittered and @ilovemybedcushions maybe it’s the same man!!!!!

justthecat · 09/04/2024 20:22

Called you a slag , helll no

BronwenTheBrave · 09/04/2024 20:28

Try and find some way to humiliate him in public, then move on.

Alicewinn · 09/04/2024 20:51

He’s intimidated by you.

BeauSignoles · 09/04/2024 20:51

Maybe he was joking, and it's just not OP's type of humour.

BUT when he realised she found it offensive he should have apologised fulsomely and explained himself. "Soz" is just as offensive as "slag" in that respect, imo.

smellslikecinnamon · 09/04/2024 21:59

@Glittered

so i was giving him a compliment about something
he replied with 'well i have been doing it about 30 yrs'

i said yeah same lol

then he called me a slag with laughing emojis

See now this is exactly how I banter with mates. Male and female. All that double entendre is exactly what we do.
Sounds like
"You did that amazingly well"
'Well I have been doing it a long time at least 30 years'
"Tbf I've been doing it for 30 years too"
'Oooo ya slag 😂😂'

Is that what happened?
Non issue if it was this sort of banter

Depends completely on context. Context is everything.

WigglyVonWaggly · 09/04/2024 22:02

He sounds like he doesn’t know how to treat women respectfully. I mean, this is him at his best in the ‘impressing you’ days… Toss him back.

Tempnamechng · 09/04/2024 22:07

No, I'm not liking this. The whole slag comment, the soz, and then the silent treatment - whether this is because he is sulking, remorseful or punishment, it isn't the way to go about things. Throw him back in.

PlasticOno · 09/04/2024 22:09

Glittered · 09/04/2024 17:48

that's exactly what my best friend said. she said the non apology was shite

Show quote history

I’m with your friend. A misogynistic insult followed by a total non-apology that’s more ‘teenager not really apologising for leaving a mess in the bathroom’ than something from an adult to someone he’s dating.

EnglishBluebell · 09/04/2024 22:31

He sounds like the type who nastily bullies/trolls women online. Laugh-reacts to pictures of women, in particular ones who are clearly not confident in themselves. Thrives off hurting women

Tadpole10 · 09/04/2024 23:21

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 17:56

all depends on the context. if it was back and forth in the context of "banter" and he's northern then its closer to a term of endearment

"Slag" is not banter in the north, at all.

Tadpole10 · 09/04/2024 23:26

Veteran
Slag
Soz

All dump-worthy in their own right!

Twistingskies · 09/04/2024 23:30

I call my DH a dirty slag at least twice a day 😂

I don’t even know why or how it started. I’m going to ask him tomorrow if it bothers him.

I also say it in a very stupid voice, I don’t know if that makes it worse though 😳

compositeconundrum · 09/04/2024 23:38

I called my cat a fat slag today. He's a virgin.

Zola1 · 09/04/2024 23:39

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 17:56

all depends on the context. if it was back and forth in the context of "banter" and he's northern then its closer to a term of endearment

I'm from Liverpool and it is absolutely definitely not a term of endearment here. I would stop talking to anyone who called me a slag.

SanFranBear · 09/04/2024 23:44

Ugh! Just no

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2024 09:29

Tadpole10 · 09/04/2024 23:21

"Slag" is not banter in the north, at all.

Show quote history

You obviously speak for the whole of the North... obviously!

LoobyDop · 10/04/2024 14:40

It’s an ugly, demeaning, hate-filled word. I would no more use it “as a joke” than I’d use the n word or the p word, or f*ggot.

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