Toxic family dynamic affecting relationship w son

[LaVieestBelleNestCePas]

I had an upsetting exchange with my son (a young adult) today. It raised deep feelings and some pain. So the story goes like this.. my younger brother … a recovering addict of some 40 years told my son a month ago that many years ago… whilst I and my fiancé lived at his apartment a cheque for rent bounced. My son asked me if this had actually happened and if I ( not his eventual) father had given a cheque to pay for the monthly rent that never cleared for insufficient funds.

To be honest I simply could not recall… it was 36 years ago and my son was wanting a black and white yes or no answer which I could not recall. A couple of hours later … and in the quiet of the kitchen whilst preparing lunch the details and the memories came to me… and pelted down… yes the cheque did not clear.

I was in my 20’s. With the same brother and sister living in our flat (which my brother had actually bought the year before but as he returned to drug use he could no longer afford the mortgage payments. Our mother was the co-mortgagee. Our mother proposed my fiancé our two year old and me (fresh out of uni) take over the payments .. which we did.

A few weeks later my 17 year old sister moved in in addition to my brother. They had no where else to go. They weren’t welcome at mums and dad had a new girlfriend aged 20 and wasn’t interested

My fiancé and I were very young, earning a young persons wage and supporting ourselves, our two year old and my brother and sister.

Mum had basically washed her hands of having my sister at home following her divorce from our dad. she lived a few hours away, worked as a nurse , lived in a lovely home and had a social life, boyfriend etc.

My fiancé and I barely had a penny to spare. We were racked with guilt and didn’t really know what to do. Food was enough to go around but we had nothing left at the end of the month.

This went on for 18 months and I got very frustrated and upset. The crunch for us came when bailiffs came to the house, forced entry and took off with the brand new microwave (which unlike today cost the earth in those days!!) and our television and VCR machine.

I remember my fiancé standing in the front of the house with tears streaming down his face as I’d just arrived home from work… with our young son in tow from nursery.

I work in tech law now… own my own home (divorced for 22 years) and regularly travel for work and pleasure. I live thousands of miles away from my famiky of origin. My brother lives at home with our mum. My sister lives in state housing. I’ve tried very hard to out distance between me and family but this is just one of many situations where I feel constantly undermined, devalued, and back-stabbed. If it’s not our mother then it’s my brother or sister.

It is simply exhausting to try and keep the peace , provide some insight and understanding despite feeling being out in a position of trying to explain some very toxic family behaviour that I have tried to distance myself from in mind, memory and miles.

I’ve also gone low contact with my siblings over the past 10 years and NC now with our mother as a result of similar behaviour.

It seems that I always feel out in a position to justify whatever I am being accused of by my children having been fed whatever aspersions by my family.

Am I being unreasonable?

Why was this even a discussion between your brother and son? Why did your son ask you about it? What relevance could it possibly have to anything now, decades later?

I dont really understand what your question is. Your son asked if you struggled financially when you were younger- and you did, but didn't remember the exact details when he asked?

Why is his question upsetting you? Just say you struggled, but it isn't a time of your life you think about very often now?

@wombleberry indeed i am uncertain what the motive was. It’s not the first time though? Let me out it to you this way .. when I left the country many years ago.. I left my car keys and car with my sister in mum’s driveway … with the plan to organise to sell the vehicle. My sister forged my signature sold the car and pocketed 10k. When I found out … as the sale occurred on ly wedding day and it would be impossible to be on two continents the same day mum said I was « punishing my sister » by asking her to account for what she did?! No one told me what had happened and in deed what I was told was that the car was leaking oil and that sister had towed it to the car wreckage place …an explanation as a newly married woman which I accepted at the time.

All you can do is explain to your son that he needs to hear stories like that with an objective ear and ask why the person is telling him those things instead of addressing it with you if it's such a problem. I'd give him examples of instances like the above and tell him you don't know why your brother is dragging up stuff that happened years ago when you don't, and that you don't go on about anyone else's ancient history so you'd appreciate it if in future he shut those conversations down and didn't entertain shit-stirring from your family members. You've done well for yourself and they haven't, and there is likely some jealousy there. Doesn't sound like you owe them anything, though.

in my haste…. The crunch came with the confiscation of OUR things by bailiffs because my brother had listed our address as his!!! The bailiffs were acting in his unpaid debts!!! My fiancé and I had none

I'm struggling to follow why this is such an issue.
You wrote a cheque which bounced. Yep to your relative so a bit shit but unless this kicked off a chain of events that resulted in some great disaster for him, does it matter now all these years later. And why does it matter for your son now?

It sounds like you've got quite a history there with your family. You can either sit your son down and explain it all or you can as a PP suggested tell him there is a lot more backstory to all of this and he should at least try to remain a bit curious as to motives for sudden reveals of information like this