Not seeing parents enough? Guilt trip?

[Bubblegirly]

My parents are elderly (late 70s/ early 80s). They love together and are fairly independent although neither drive anymore. (They choose this due to various health conditions in order to be safe). I have always been close with parents and have 3 other siblings. Between us they will see one of their children at least every other day. I am the youngest by 10 years and so my children are much younger than siblings children.

For this reason my parents always want to see us lots as they love the grandchildren (5&7yo). However I work full time term time and the kids are at school. My oldest has ASD and ADHD they both do lots of activities and clubs and family life is generally busy.

I aim to see parents every other weekend (at a minimum) and will spend a good 4-5 hours with them. My DHs parents are divorced so that is two other sets of parents wanting to see grandchildren throw in the kids going to parties, own activities and our own family time/ days out and seeing friends time is limited.

After a few times of my mum saying she feels like a burden and how “all my family let me down and leave us on our own all the time” etc I promised I would make sure we spent lots of time with her in school holidays. Last week we saw her 4 times; took her shopping and for lunch on Good Friday, spent the day at parents with other family on Sat, had a big family BBQ on Easter Monday and on Friday went for lunch. She told me at the weekend she was busy Monday but we would all come see them both this week. I said I had planned something for today with the kids and payed for tickets.

this morning she rang to arrange seeing us this week. I suggested Friday but she said she has plans and also plans on Wednesday now. I said it will have to be the weekend then as we have arranged to meet friends now Thursday. She got really cross and sighing down the phone. Said well what are you doing today can’t you come over. I said I told you I had plans today. She shouted that she has had the whole week free and I can’t fit her in??? I explained you don’t as you were busy yesterday (Monday) and just told me weds and Fri you have plans. She’s cross I have arranged to see friends Thursday and asked if I could change it? I have said I will try but am free both days of the weekend but this is too far away? My husband has said not to change the plans.

when she was sighing down the phone she said “you told me you would make more of an effort with us in the holidays” and I said I did I saw you 4 times last week. I feel like nothing is good enough.

just for background. Mum has form for always ‘picking on’ or not being happy with one of her children at a particular time. My sister has had a month of it. Had a big row last week which ended up in a big making up and so now I feel like it’s my turn. Im just so tired of it. AIBU? Am I not seeing them enough? (My dad is mega chilled and just wants kids and grandkids to be happy)

Your DM sounds very lucky to see all of her children so much. She sounds very spoilt. I would not change plans on Thursday. Stand your ground.

I think you over promised re the holidays. You need to put her on an information diet re your whereabouts. Hi mum we’re quite busy over the holidays as the DC have commitments with their friends but I can see you Monday and how about we go out Friday. When she responds but but but, just repeat sorry we can’t do that but looking forward to seeing you Monday.

also it’s worth starting little short visits. Pop in unexpectedly one morning, hi mum we’ve got a commitment at the leisure centre at 11 and had half an hour free so thought we’d pop in to see you. How are you, no time for a cuppa thank you but tell me what you’ve been up to.

Hi,

My mum is similar, although she has a history of depression and trauma, so ultimately no matter how much effort we make, sometimes she just doesn’t see it. It’s very difficult, we get comments about how she feels under appreciated and we don’t make as much effort. It’s definitely hard, so I sympathise.

I had a conversation with my mum and asked her what exactly she needs from us, and it helped us get an idea of her expectations. I do live further, so I try to call her everyday even if it’s just for ten minutes, and I do go as regularly as I can. I think your mum needs to understand it’s not always possible for you to drop things and see her.

I do feel that as people age, some of them mellow out and become relaxed (my dad has), and others become very highly strung and nothing seems good enough.

I think you’re doing enough, you’re making an effort to see her, and to go round and making plans and communicating to her about when you can and can’t come. Sorry I don’t have any advice as I’m in the same boat!

It's an odd generational thing. She would never have worked full time, juggled kids and other family life and the kids (I.e you and your siblings) wouldn't have had all these clubs and stuff like we do nowadays. So she just can't see where you're coming from as she's never experienced it. She just doesn't get it so whatever you do won't really be good enough. Just carry on as you are and try and ignore the negative comments.

You're definitely seeing her enough and making a real effort with her. I usually think people should make more of an effort to see their elderly parents but in your case, you're doing plenty. Your mum's really lucky to have you all nearby and visiting regularly and she's behaving like a spoilt child.
My parents have 3 kids who all live hundreds of miles away so they only see us about once every 3 or 4 months. They never complain.
Your mum needs to understand that you have busy lives and other friends and family to see. The world doesn't revolve around her.

YANBU but she is. You are seeing her plenty by the sounds of things Your lives are a lot busier than hers and you shouldn’t be revolving your life round your parents. Don’t change your plans -she won’t change hers so why should you. She has either forgotten what this busy phase of life is like, had an easier run of it or doesn’t care. Either way it isn’t great

This is absolute MADNESS. You are seeing them far too much as it is, and she wants more? You are going to need to draw some boundaries here, do not bend to her will any more.

For context, my Dad lives a few hundred miles away. I see him once a year. We do speak most days on the phone, and even that feels too much. My sister sees him more regularly as she is local, but she tries to keep it to one visit a week. He wasn't the best Dad, so that maybe affects how we feel. He's very old and has carers.

My DH's father lives about 1 hour away, and we never see him. He has a full active life with his Partner and doesn't seem to want to see his children or grandchildren. Last time was saw them was last summer, when we invited them round. They promised to invite us to theirs, but here we are, 9 months later with no invite. He never calls either. He is the same age as your parents.

I'm in my 50's, with adult children living away from home. I never pressure them for contact or visits. I will try hard not to change this as we age, as it sounds so stifling.

There are 4 children in your family. Theoretically you could each visit once a month, and they would still be getting weekly visits, which is ENOUGH!