To ask how to manage this situation with my friend and colleague

[Iseeaghost]

I job share.

My colleague is great, is very good at coming up with ideas and really good with people. She is neurodiverse and this
means it's very difficult for her to make plans with, complete tasks in an organised way.

She also has a barrier when it comes to reflective learning. Where most of us step back and reflect on what could be done differently, recognise the need for thinking ahead and putting measures in to complete a project, she is free flow.

In most other situations she would be having extra supervision by now, however the nature of it means that she isn't.

I love working with her in lots of ways, shes fun, high energy and positive. However I feel overwhelmed,. The interactions we have are taking up too much of my energy and she hyjacks the things I feel I need to talk about or talk through and bless her, she is a terrible listener! She'll hop in with unsolicited advice constantly and go off on long winding tangents, I sometimes have to be really firm to keep the conversation on track.

She's a bit of a star really and people love her and love her work but I can also see some glaring deficits which are going to possibly have long term consequences, I've tried to talk to her or make recommendations (as i have more experience and quals in the sector) but it's as if she doesnt hear.

She's brilliant. She optimises 'winging it' and makes such an impact. (Creative) She doesn't have wellbeing measures in place to manage herself, pace herself and her lifestyle is not one which is going to support her to manage her workload going forward.

I am struggling a little, feel overwhelmed but absolutely love my job and the energy of what we do.

Part of me wants to leave and find something more straightforward but it's a perfect set up that fits my home life; its good for my CV and I love my colleagues and boss.

The culture is though that if I raise these issues I'll be the one pointing a finger at the Emperor and the other side of the coin is, I recognise that her style is really effective for the work in many ways.

However, I'm starting to resent her chaos and approach and I'm worried I'm going to snap at her. I feel like I'm going to be unkind. A couple of times I feel like I've had to talk to her like a child. She comes back and says, yes, you're right, (everytime). But then doesn't follow through.

6 months ago I was asked to line manage her.

I said no because I don't want that responsibility.

Any tips on how to set boundaries with her without squashing her would be great fully received!

The interactions we have are taking up too much of my energy and she hyjacks the things I feel I need to talk about or talk through and bless her, she is a terrible listener! Try and limit the time - you mentioned before you are managing to keep her on track - maybe implement time limits whereby you let her fly for 2 minutes then its back on track?-

but I can also see some glaring deficits which are going to possibly have long term consequences, Log stuff - document it - to pass to someone else to manage; don't accept liability - you're simply highlighting issues to not lose them - they need an owner and that's not your issue.

She doesn't have wellbeing measures in place to manage herself, pace herself and her lifestyle is not one which is going to support her to manage her workload going forward. Not your issue; this is outside your remit - stay in your lane - its healthier

I am struggling a little, feel overwhelmed - Document areas where you do not have capacity, raise this to manager so they take ownership - keep a tight ship when it comes to capacity

This is great advice. Thank you. I like the idea of letting her have two minutes to ramble. Great plan.

Like how clear you've made it to separate what is my responsibility an what isn't.

And tell her the plan? so she knows you're facing it head on. After all, you're a team right? You're acknowledging that her methods provide results but the world does have constraints. You're embracing the differences, acknowledging the challenges and finding ways to deal with the gaps.

Sometimes it's easy to slip into the realm that you have to solve everything. Much easier to remember that you can't "boil the ocean", you keep in view what is within your remit, what's in your scope, what you can keep a handle on... and the rest... not mine, that lives elsewhere..

on a seperate note, i always say in my head "cant boil the ocean"... when im looking at a project that has multiple tangents, and it helps me keep in view the bit that needs focus.

good luck!

She's not your problem, you don't line manage her.

I doubt you're perfect either. Sorry, but it reads like a bit of stealth ND bashing to me.

You feel the need to put her in her place. Why is that, when you're not her line manager?

I'd start there with the reflections.

You say you job share. Do you mean you job share with this colleague? Because it would be very odd to job share with someone and also be asked to line manage them.

To be brutally honest, I think you sound quite patronising and judgemental at times. She doesn’t work in the same way as you and you sound as if you don’t really like her at all (I’m amazed you call her a friend in your title) which I realise is annoying for you but in any workplace you have to deal with people you don’t gel with. It also sounds like you’re behaving like you’re her manager when it’s actually not your place to do that. Other people like her work, so I’d say it’s not really your problem if she fucks up.

You are WAY overstepping by talking about her lifestyle. That is absolutely none of your business.

I do completely understand why you find your colleague tricky to work with. But I’m sure some people find you tricky as well. The thing is, I can absolutely imagine your colleague posting something like “I work with someone who is nice but who I find really difficult. She is very rigid about things and talks in corporate speak a lot, and everything has to be done her way. She wants our conversations to be only about what she wants to talk about so nobody else has a chance to explore other ideas and think more creatively - it’s all about her needs. And although I’m sure she means well, she fusses about things that have nothing to do with her, like whether my ‘lifestyle’ is compatible with my job. Everyone else is really happy with my work and praises me for my creative input, but there was some talk of her possibly managing me a while back, and that would drive me insane.”

I think this is a personality clash and you either have to accept that and work with it, or consider moving on. You say you feel a bit overwhelmed and I wonder whether that’s because you’re worrying about things that aren’t actually your responsibility and taking on too much? Presumably, if you are not your colleague’s manager, someone else is - sounds like they’re the one at fault here if they’re not dealing with any issues.