Ex Partners

[SuperSpecial]

My partner is in contact with some of his ex partners and I find this difficult but I put it down to my insecurities. We live separately due to location of work and my kids (he has none).

Tonight he informed me that "an ex contacted me for advice about their current relationship and bent my ear for 45 minutes". I queried if it was the usual one that contacts him about such things and it turned out it wasn't. It was one not previously mentioned.

We've been together for three years. He's had quite a lot of short long-term relationships.

I'm watching a TV show about relationships and on the show they seem to be suggesting that meeting up with former partners is a deal breaker.

So I'm now confused. Is it OK to meet up (he does do this sometimes, as in, meet in person) and keep in touch with previous partners when in a relationship? Should I be completely calm about this? Or is it not OK?

Because I'm insecure I suppose, I think if an ex contacted me I'd avoid engagement because I'd deem it disrespectful to him. But they're exes so...

It's just me being insecure right?

That would make me insecure too and I'd probably try to steer the conversation to it being a bit odd and how it could seem like these women are in some way not able to move on or address their own issues while he drops everything to support them. I'd drop lots of info on healthy boundaries into chats from now on, not in reference to the ex but it will sink in.

I can see why you feel insecure but on the other hand, as it's more than one ex, it sounds as though he's just a really nice guy that people feel comfortable opening up to.

I've known two guys like that over the years and honestly, neither of them had a bad bone in their bodies.

That said, you boundaries are your boundaries and if you can't handle it, you don't have to.

Thanks for the replies. The votes are near 50:50. Any more insights, please?

It’s tricky, I guess it all comes down to your boundaries. It all depends on what you are comfortable with, a lot of people are friendly with their ex’s especially if the breakup was amicable. But some people might draw the line at meeting up for example. He seems to be open about these friendships which is good but if you don’t feel comfortable with the level / type of contact he has with his exes then you should talk to him about it. Sorry I feel like that’s totally unhelpful… there really is no right or wrong way to feel…. You feel what you feel and you need to communicate that x

I can’t work out how to apply the voting, but I think it is you being insecure.

Personally I think it is a sign that a man is not an absolute toxic mess if exes are friendly with him. And… they’re exes. I am friendly with some exes, all my long term relationships have been amicable with some exes.

And if a DP had tried to tell me I could not be friendly with people who were now simply friends I would be very very unimpressed.

I've been with my DP almost 7 years. He has 5/6 exes (he is late 30s). He is friends or in touch with all of them bar his last ex with whom he has a daughter with (beyond having to communicate about their child) as she is a terrible human.
He doesn't regularly meet up or speak on the phone type sense. But in an occasional friendly chat, fb catch up etc. He did meet up with one but that was with his child and his ex and her boyfriend so I was totally fine with it. Same ex sent his daughter plus my children easter eggs that year too.
He is just a very nice person. I would want to stay friends with him if we split (and it was amicable, which I would hope it would be given he is a genuinely nice man).
I have reasons in my past why I should be insecure. But not once has he ever made me feel that way, and I have all the trust in the world for him.
Does he make you feel otherwise secure?

I dont know how people can be bothered with partners who can't move on and need to be in constant contact with exes. As if because they once had a relationship and sex with someone, they can't be fully in the present. If I bump into exes we're friendly and chat and can have a good laugh but there's no reason for it to be any more than that is there? Phone calls and long conversations for what, exactly? As for your partner telling you about his chats with exes and wanting to instigate conversation about it 🥱.

I know some will be quick to say that you're insecure. Thats to cover up that they're actually the ones who are insecure as they crave attention and validation from people they're no longer in a relationship with to the point they'll blight current/future relationships for the sake of needing that link. Silly.

Up to you how you want to tackle this OP but I can't imagine a man yapping on about his exes is an attractive trait tbh. Maybe he's not got enough going on in his life. Or he's just nosey about their lives.

It's your right not to particularly want this intruding on your relationship and feeling you're worthy of more respect than this. Talk to him properly about it and see what he says.

YABU

I am friendly with a lot of my ex-partners. I went to the wedding of one. Another stayed at my house over night recently as he was in the area (moved abroad when we split) I have a new DP, and he didn't mind at all.

I think it a green flag to still maintain a friendship with an ex (when you are both clearly moved on). Sometimes going out with someone shows that you were better suited as friends than as a romantic pairing.

I just don't understand how it must be that you are not allowed to be friends with people who you used to share a bed with.

I would take it as a positive sign - it’s a massive red flag when someone doesn’t get along with any of their exes, all their relationships ended on bad terms, they bad mouth their exes etc. I am on friendly terms with quite a few of my exes (all moved on and in happy long term relationships) and I often ask them for advice about things because they know me so well and often give me the advice that I need to hear.

I once stayed close friends with an ex boyfriend, we had a really nice friendship until his new girlfriend got jealous and made him cut contact with me. So I would say that it's possible to have a good friendship with an ex that really is just friendship, but then it's also possible that there's something inappropriate going on.

I've stayed on reasonably good terms with a couple of Exes. Not that we're constantly in touch or best pals, but we're perfectly civil when our paths cross, and there is one that I do chat with from time to time. I think this is perfectly normal, and I don't think I could be in a relationship with anyone who thought it was problematic. I don't tolerate or pander to jealousy, and I would view it as being no different to a partner attempting to police who I kept as a friend for any other reason.

It depends. I'm in touch with most of my exes - saw one at a party at the weekend, because it was hosted by a mutual friend from 30 years ago. But I'm not in daily contact with them - in most cases, it's Christmas and occasional FB updates. There are times when it's a bit more frequent- e.g. the father of one has just been in hospital with a bad stroke, so we have talked more about that.

I'd find it a red flag if someone weren't in contact with any of their exes. If you liked someone enough to have a relationship, if you didn't end with any on friendly terms, that would put me off.

(I'm in my 50s - I expect most people to have gained an ex or two by this age.)

@SuperSpecial

The thing is how 🤔 comfortable do you feel about this kind of relationship dynamics as a whole then continuing in this kind of vein ?

Do you feel its worth all the insecurity ect that comes with this?

Do you know any of his ex loves then?

How does he react talk about his ex loves then?

I can relate to@PTSDBarbiegirl post in that it definitely could be an issue with healthy boundaries in whether they have moved etc etc,

It could be that he is a tidy guy as good guy and they just see him as platonic friend who can give a useful male perspectives on their relationships or other things in their life,

or
On the otherhand,
He could be like my ex partner who liked having harem of past lost loves to keep in touch with under guise of Mr Nice guy facade and how he loved creating dramas and seeing how others react and being centre of attention

under the guise of too i am different to other men in emotional matters, in reality he was a master manipulater head fuck

he was still emotionally unhealthy attached to them wishing things could have been different and had worked out better..

It’s a difficult one. My partner is proud that he’s always stayed in touch with his ex’s… but they didn’t know the truth as to why he spilt up with them ! They didn’t know his lies and if they did - I don’t think they’d still be in touch with him.

It’s a weird one to say “bent my ear for 45mins”… like how did he expect you to react ? Does she know about you and how happy you two are together ? That’s what I’d be thinking. Fair enough if they’re still close. But what’s he’s saying about your relationship - hopefully good things but id be watching his behaviour!