How do you avoid mum burn out ??

[elisssa]

I've recently been through a pretty stressful time. Work and health related.

All of it has resulted in me being on a time out from my career. I plan to go back, but only when I feel able to.

I'm looking after my 2 and 4 year olds and I'm just burnt out.

I felt like this even when I was working full time. I just don't enjoy it. I dread the days and I just don't understand how I can get through the days sometimes.

They go to nursery ( 4 year old goes 5 school days and has holidays off ). 2 year old goes 3 days a week.

I know I have a good set up and should be able to cope, but somehow I just feel so burnt out. They tire me out so much. I just don't have the patience.

I have just spent a couple of days in a row alone with them and I am exhausted.

My husband works a lot and is also burnt out. I have a cleaner. I do try to make my set up as easy as I can, but I still don't enjoy it. It's so stressful.

any advice ?

I feel the same as you so no advice :( I don't know why I find every day life so difficult. I have a 1 year old and 4 year old but 4 year old is only at school part time due to some sen challenges. 1 year old is with childminder 2 days a week so I get two full mornings child free. Im a freelqncer so work in the evenings but its not the work that bothers me its the relentlessness of mum duty I think

For me being able to go out (to the gym preferably for me) the moment that husband arrives home from work. I do work 3 days but generally get home before him.

For us it’s definitely being able to do our own things while the other takes over. Obviously without guilt or one person making the other feel bad.

I go to a gym with a crèche. That's what I did today.

Cart them there, put them in the crèche for a couple of hours, work out and then have them play in the soft play for a bit.

I have it good compared to many others but I still struggle so much.

It's so relentless. Sorry to hear you feel the same.

I feel the same. One yo and four yo here. Husband is a long haul pilot so I’m doing it on my own half-most of the time. It’s utterly relentless, exhausting, draining. I feel broken, I feel like a slave on the days it’s just me and them with no childcare. Weekends are just about survival. I end up shouting and stressed and having a glass of wine just to get through bathtime.

We went through years of infertility and IVF to have them. I feel so guilty that I am struggling so much now and I’m not as patient as I thought I’d be, or enjoying it as much as I thought I would 😔

Bold of you to assume that I do avoid burnout 😬

This is cheese, but I did find this idea quite helpful: remember the 'Mars a day helps you work, rest and play' adverts years ago? Rest and play are different things. Rest is just respite, but play (ie doing something you enjoy, something that nourishes your spirit) is the thing that really revives you and makes it worth carrying on.

Obviously I get it, you've got tiny kids and to some extent it IS just relentless. But when planning time for yourself (which you absolutely must do) remember that you need rest AND play.

"I know I have a good set up and should be able to cope" less of this, as well. It's allowed to feel hard. It IS hard. Yes, someone else probably has it harder, but that will always be the case. You're allowed to find it hard.

Have you been to the GP to get bloods checked? Fatigue and irritability can be warning signs of several different conditions including pre-menapausal, long covid, vitamin deficiency and type 2 diabetes.
It's worth discussing with a Dr.

I have long covid my husband and I tag team at the weekends to give each other even a 10 minute chill out time.
If my husband is away then we will do stuff in the morning and then for a little bit (about an hour) they get their tablets (2 and 5) whilst I make dinner or just have a lie down on the sofa.

I also find quick dinners or slow cooker dinners take the stress out of things. Older one gets 5p if he's been helpful and listening to instructions. It helps massively as he really wants the 5p so will set the table, put his shoes on without fuss etc.

I actually have a blood test booked tomorrow. I get quite regular bloods, but I do want a check.

I do have MS. This does cause fatigue but there's not much you can do about it.

2 year old and 9 month old here and I feel exactly the same at the moment. Very similar set up to you too! It's just exhausting isn't it?!

No advice but solidarity 🩷

The work, rest and play thing is excellent @PuntasticUsername so true and also memorable. It's made me think that all the 'play' stuff that I really can't be bothered to do, is actually what I need most. It's yoga, nights out, book club, gym, family meet ups... My saying is "however much you don't want to go, you'll be twice as glad you went."

Also I created the parenting self high five© When I had a good day, won a battle with a toddler, got them in bed with no drama, got out the house etc, I would give myself a parenting high five. No one else to congratulate you so I think you have to recognise when you do good things, however small. So, parenting high five to you OP. It is so, so hard. And you have been through the mill with work and health. You are still standing. My advice is to have five minutes watching them while they sleep. However exhausting they have been in the day, this always makes me grateful.

Your MS will be a big factor here. Pacing and going back to baseline and recognising that might have changed. Some find the spoon theory easier to follow with fatigue management.

You can't do anything about your MS but can try to manage your baseline. That's also being honest with your DH that your struggling fatigue wise.
Finding things you can do with them which doesn't exceed your baseline as well. For me I would struggle with softplay as keeping up with my 2 year old whilst making sure he doesn't get hurt etc is too much. I do find taking them to a museum or science centre easier if they are child friendly/interactive.

Also speak to your GP about your MS management and is there anything which might help.
I've been put on nortriptyline low dose to help with nerve pain and after a few weeks of rubbish side effects it is helping.
Also get them to check you for POTS if they haven't already it also causes fatigue and is common in MS, ME, LC. There are options for management including eating more salt.

No advice but happy to cross my fingers and follow the thread in hope!

I've been a solo parent for 6 years and I burnt out a while ago 😂 I'm just fully running on fumes at this point

I felt like this. I remember the start of this year I was incredibly stressed and short tempered especially whenever I had my children on their own (very similar ages to yours). So much that I dreaded the days with them. I was also not very kind to my husband, or myself!
This lasted for a couple of months, which felt like forever when I was in it, but I seem to be out the other side now. I can’t say that anything has changed (if anything work is significantly more stressful) but I don’t feel like this any more, and reading your post made me realise it.
Just wanted to post to show you’re not alone, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Although with young kids it’s a rollercoaster and I’m not sure the ride is over yet haha!

Guys I'm back.

I am just so done. I just don't know how to enjoy it more. I love them so much but I'm just so exhausted.

So the last week I looked after them alone on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Then Wednesday my little one went to nursery and my older one went to a kids club for 3 hours while I did some exercise. Thursday little one was at nursery and I had a play date with the older one at soft play.

Today I'm alone again looking after them and they are driving me nuts. I've got a massive headache, I actually feel a bit dizzy from it.

The mess they create in the house is unbelievable. It's a tip unless I'm constantly tidying up.

When I take them out into the garden where they have swings, trampoline, and box, play house, swings and lots of other stuff- they're constantly needing entertainment too out there. I get so tired.

I've literally just fled the house with them and put them in the car because I was losing my mind.

I'm going to the pharmacy to get some migraine tablets and then I don't know what to do really.

Carting them around is also a complete nightmare and exhausting.

The weekends are even worse because H will be home and will be exhausted from his week and wanting to relax and I'll be frustrated and angry with him because he'll be trying to retreat by himself. The best thing for us to do at weekends is get out of the house. But H doesn't always want to do that. Staying in with them is hell though. I could scream.

@RazzberryGem I see you! I've been running on fumes trying to fit everything in as a lone and SEN mum plus a load of family and DC illnesses bad enough for hospital and a promotion at work to try and improve my income. I think I've crashed and burned this week. I've got some kind of monster bug that turned into an ear infection and hacking cough that I can't shake off. Luckily it is still school holidays here and I had booked annual leave, so I can lie on the sofa and feel sorry for myself for a few days. I think you just keep going and going until you can't. The kids are going stir crazy though, it was meant to be a fun week 😫

Don’t bother tidying up until the end of the day when they’ve gone to bed. While they’re up they’ll just mess it up again.

if your H is gonna be lazy just get them out yourself. Try as much as you can to shift your mindset to enjoying the time with them. I know know know it’s hard. But they’re small once. Get them out and busy and enjoy the little moments. If your H stays home and does nothing he’s the loser xx

I imagine with your condition you’re exhausted, and add to that that the age of your children means childcare is tiring, you’re probably doing the best you can.

For me I used to ask the same questions as you, and wonder why I wasn’t enjoying it more. Things got better around when my youngest turned 4. That slight gaining of independence is freeing. I also think some mums just prefer older stages of children’s development and personality than the baby and toddler stage (just like some teachers prefer to teach teenagers than early stage primary school children). I definitely fall in that category.

It’s their ages - hang in there. My 6 and 5 yr old played in the garden together without my supervision (except to provide drinks and snacks) for 4 hours today and drew independently for 2 hours. There’s no way they could have done that at 2 and 4. But their ability to do that started from when my youngest was four onwards.

Long term try to start encouraging them to play, draw and read both together and independently. 15 minutes twice a day and keep building it up. Your future self will thank you. My husband still finds his days with them tiring because he acts like their entertainment. Whereas with me they just get on with things because I’ve encouraged independent play from when they were young as I was exhausted and overwhelmed by it all.

Even things like intervening on arguments- only do it to the extent you’re teaching them to resolve things themselves. That way when they’re older they can argue and you won’t need to rush out to mediate - they’ll sort it in their own way.