To ask for your help wording Q about intimacy to my DH

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20 years with DH.
He's 50's, I'm 40's.
1 DC, 11.

DH has always been someone whose interest in intimacy is affected by stress. I'm used to it and understand it.

We've never been particularly regular sex wise, both quite happy with every few weeks, sometimes a lot more, sometimes a lot less.

DH lost both his parents, close together, about 1.5/2 years ago.
Sex & mostly, just general intimacy, dropped off, understandably. I've been patient and haven't brought it up. Given lots of time, I think.
I then had a gynaecological issue which is now resolved, but it feels like it set us even further back.
Also to note, sex and flirtation etc is definitely more likely if alcohol is involved.. sadly.

How do I best broach the topic? He's not a talker..!

I want to ask if it's 'him' or 'me'. Is it that just doesn't feel like it, doesn't feel horny - or if it's me. And he just doesn't want it with me. Doesn't desire me.

I understand that he might not be feeling sexy and still be grieving. But I feel like I'm reaching a point where I just want to know where he's at. For my own sanity.

I'm also now worried, and would like to discuss it, incase there is something physically wrong with him, that he may be ignoring.

Other than a quick cursory goodnight peck, he doesn't hug /spoon me or literally put one finger on me bed anymore. As if he is scared I'll get the wrong idea and jump his bones.
I snuggle up and spoon him occasionally, just for a cuddle, in the morning if we're both stirring, and he just ignores me and stays still and asleep.

The rest of our relationship is good. We are a great team and spend lots of time together. He shows affection around the house, gives me a random hug or kiss (not snog!), and is a great partner. There is a lot of love.

But he seems to have completely lost interest in romance. Either completely. Or just with me. Or maybe something is wrong...

I just can't work out how to bring it up. Help!

I would say to him that you love him very much and would like to start dating and reconnecting.

No pressure on intimacy, but having fun together, focusing on your relationship and investing in each other with an eventual goal to establishing your intimate lives.

Coming at it from all angles rather than just focusing on the sex means that it won't feel like an attack and either way, everyone's long term relationship can benefit from dating and romancing wacj other.

I eoukd emphasise to him that its something that is really important to you but you are okay to take it slow as long as there's effor being made.

I would then take the practical steps needed as often things just get brushed under the carpet after conversations like these.

Maybe each week you plan something to do together, but take it in turns.
One week him, one week you.

That way it's equal effort.

It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but just some lovely romantic time together.

I would pitch all of this to him, but also possibly say that you need him to tell you if there's something else going on.

@Booksoverbros That sounds like a really good approach. Thank you.
Especially as I have always never wanted to ask him about sex as I know it can actually backfire so easily and put too much pressure on it. So this more 'general' approach makes sense.

I think the main thing to avoid is bringing it up "in the moment". So try it after dinner or something, fully clothed and relaxed, and not when you're both in bed and he's essentially shrugged you off.

I think that answer from @Booksoverbros is spot on.

What happens when you 'try your luck'? The getting into bed at night, lingered kissing and 'rubbing' sort of thing?

Unfortunately, even getting to that point is tricky.
He falls asleep before our DC is asleep.
And in the mornings, as I said, if i try to spoon, he ignores me and eventually just gets up.. using the dog/needing the loo as an excuse.
He is also an early riser, and hence always being fast asleep before me and DC.
When DC was on a 4 day residential, still nothing.

I totally agree. I think I will do it on a dog walk, on our own.
Part of our issue is our DC is always in ear shot!

'DH, I'm starting to miss our sex life. Can we talk about it, as I'm wondering if there is anything either of us could do to get it back on track?'

Take care to use 'I' not 'you' language 'I miss you touching me' rather than 'you never touch me', or he will become defensive.

Take care not to be gaslighted into thinking its a you problem 'you never bother with me either'.

Avoid placing too much emphasis on your need for reassurance that he finds you attractive. He will just say 'of course i do' which wont address the sex problem.

Prepare for this being the first of several conversations because he may give you the brush off 'I'm just tired' and imply things will improve, and they may not and will need revisiting. It often takes several attempts before a problem is owned, and even more before help is sought, if that's what's needed.

And to add.. after many years of being the primary 'initiator' and being rejected many times, the fear of rejection is overwhelming.

If you don't feel you can bring it up face to face, maybe write to him/email him. Sounds silly but it can enable you to say what you want to say without getting over emotional or going off on a tangent.

Sadly it sounds to me like he's no longer attracted to you OP 😔 To be a red blooded male and to not touch you at all, just does not sound right to me at all. I'd be worried he's getting it elsewhere

If he was at all attracted to you, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off you, even if he still had no desire for sex. Attraction creates desire. He seemingly has no desire ergo no attraction

I second this - I think everything you need is in this advice

ignite some passion spill some coffee on his best shirt while he's wearing it and if that doesn't do it and you can't think of anything else yall might be in tubble

🙄

Could he be suffering some performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction? Does he still get his morning glory, have you noticed?

@EnglishBluebell

Ofcourse it has crossed my mind that he isn't attracted to me anymore. But, after 20
Years together, some very tough times life has thrown at us, when neither of us felt like sex, that we came through and went on to have fantastic sex and both felt completely connected and desired by one another, I also believe and know it's completely possible for there to be periods where even a 'red blooded' male doesn't feel in the mood.
I'm not ruling it out - but
I do think your view is quite simplistic.

Getting it elsewhere. Really??!!

I’m surprised you didn’t also go for the classic “he must be gay” explanation.

This is something I was thinking. He generally used to be more of a morning sex guy in general and I do wonder if part of the issue might be related to a decline in morning glory.. and therefore indicate an erectile
Issue.
I know that in the first few months after he lost his parents he would find he woke up and thought of them as his first thoughts.. so wondered if that's had an effect.
I still wonder if it just needs more time and I am rushing things.

You're allowed to ask OP. He can explain, but to leave you floundering in the no man's land of uncertainty isn't fair. Approach gently, but he doesn't get to ignore your feelings, you need to understand what is happening and the only way this can happen is if he talks to you. On the dog walk sounds like a good time to approach it all.

Much sympathy OP, this would really bother me too. I don't think you are rushing things by wanting to know where you stand/what the underlying reasons might be. I think it's a lot healthier to address it and have an open conversation.

I agree with what others have suggested above in terms of strategies for bringing it up. The one thing I would add is this: if he does fob you off or resist talking about it (which it sounds like he might, if he's not a talker generally, and doesn't like being emotionally open/vulnerable) - then please know that this is a completely valid and understandable thing to want to talk about. Don't let him tell you that you're creating the problem by thinking/talking about it. It might make him feel uncomfortable, but his discomfort doesn't mean that you should stay silent or have to keep feeling this way. All you're asking for is some honesty from him, and that is completely reasonable.

@neverenoughplants @Pashazade

Thank you both for those very helpful and constructive thoughts. Really reassuring and so true.

God the dramatic responses here. Men in their 50s often lose testosterone and lose their sex drive. Just like women in their 50s. Perfectly natural. Doesn’t mean he couldn’t see about hormone therapy if he wanted it.

@EveryoneJapan
Haha, There'll be one along soon I've no doubt!