DD sleep issues + Separation anxiety

[shoogalypeg]

Long story short DD (8) needs someone to sit with her to fall asleep, she’s wanting to try put herself to bed but struggles so at the moment I sit with her till she’s out.

sometimes goes through phases where she wakes in the middle of the night and struggles to get back asleep now the problem is whenever this happens at her dads place he gets visibly exasperated with her will sit with her for a bit then leaves her to it.

It’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t go to him when she wakes at 2/3 am and instead video calls me in floods of tears and it takes me ages to calm her down to get back to sleep.

Her dad isn’t happy with this and thinks she needs to stop with the calls but it just tears me up the thought of her crying alone stressed out the way she does when she’s going through these unsettled phases

I’m at a loss as to what to do, was I unreasonable to tell DD that she can call me wherever she needs me?

Ah poor kid. If her Dad isn't willing or able to support her through this unsettled period then I would continue to do or it explain she won't be staying overnight with him for the time being. Assuming your daughter is on board with this. No way would I force her into a situation where she's crying alone in the night.

Did you speak to DD’s dad about these sleep issues she’s been having and how badly it’s affecting her? Or did you just tell DD that she could call you whenever it happens and she feels like she needs you?
It sounds as though DD’s dad doesn’t have a lot of patience/understanding with what’s going on. Do you have the kind of relationship with him where you could speak to him about this so that he can better understand how to support DD when it happens at his house?
He might be feeling a bit frustrated that DD calls you because he doesn’t really know how to deal with her when this happens.
If the two of you don’t communicate about it or if he isn’t willing to help DD with it and just be irritated with her over it then he could end up making her even more anxious about bedtime/nighttime and he runs the risk of her saying that she doesn’t want to stay at his

Try a large pregnancy pillow, the long ones that you can fold around you. It takes up the extra space in the bed and she has something to cuddle that is (sort of) human shaped opposed to a Teddy and makes herself a nest.

A weighted blanket might be useful or a weighted toy, we have a bagpuss that is heavy and is microwavable and lavender scented which used to help when DD was younger.

If you are handy with a sewing machine and have a spare duvet you can fold it in half length ways and sew it so you have a long sausage and then use an old duvet cover to make a cover for it which can be much cheaper than buying a pregnancy pillow. It can then be folded around her as she goes to bed. She could even go to a fabric shop and chose the material to give her some ownership of it.

I have had a number of conversations with DD dad (who I’m in good terms with for the most part) but this is something we can’t seem to reach an agreement on

he’s much of the mind that she’s too old to have someone sit with her where as I have faith that is she’s secure she’ll be putting herself to sleep soon but like most kids the last few years have been rather tumultuous so it’s taking her a bit longer.

i also don’t think it helps that his partner gets woken when DD goes through so that’s probably a factor in his frustration

It’s worse when she’s stressed out but it might get to the point where she won’t wanna go over and that’s not ideal either.

Aww these are lovely practical solutions for OP.

Also, just had a thought, how about an item of yours @shoogalypeg like a t-shirt for example, with your perfume/particular calming scent for DD to take to bed with her?

What FANTASTIC suggestions!!

thank you so much, I’ll definitely give that a try 🙏

Oh poor luv. Sounds really stressful OP and I can imagine it’s really difficult to hear your girl so distressed. I appreciate children sometimes need to adapt to a different way of doing things whilst staying with another family member. However, with separation anxiety and sleep issues I’d say consistency is key. Does your bedtime routine/techniques typically work well at home for DD? What is Dads routine when DD stays with him? I really like the above suggestion of introducing a big lavender-scented weighted pillow (I’m actually going to get one myself now), to give DD something comforting at Dads.

Fwiw OP, I was a terrible sleeper at 8. I was very scared and had horrendous nightmares and my Mum was fed up and dismissive. It would have been lovely for Mum to support me through that in a loving and understanding way. I think I would have moved past it a lot faster than what I did. Big hugs x

@OP glad to help. DD coslept until she was 10, it wasn't until we had a conversation on why and she talked about her bed being too big and spacious and the fact I was warm and squishy that I thought of the pillow. It was an absolute game changer and she's not been in my bed since.

When she sleeps away from home she does sleep fine but I noticed last time we shared a Premier Inn room she uses the spare pillows around her body like her big one at home.

She never liked sleeping at her dads and he used to drop her off at 8pm and pick her up at 9am the next morning when he lived close. When he moved further away DD was old enough to decide on her own contact schedule and prefers a weekend da every week with no sleepovers - she does have autism s not sure how much that comes into it but she sleeps just fine at her friend's houses.

Ahhh look she’s only 8 years old and ur a good mum. You know have you thought about buying her a big dream catcher maybe try this as my friends daughter had issues sleeping and it helped her .

re the 2 am calls I think it’s good to know she can call u and it’s important that she can