Does he get help?

[Youdrivemecrazymagic]

Having a conversation with my mum about a male friend of mine with children who's wife died a few years ago. She immediately starts asking 'does he get help?', asks how close his mum and mil are living, and when I said it was too far for day to day help she started asking if he was going to move or if he could pay for help, get a cleaner in etc.

Aibu to think that this is all because he has a penis, and she wouldn't immediately assume a female single parent would need someone to 'help'. The whole thing just felt really sexist to me - we both know women who work and raise kids and do the housework, and I've never heard her suggest they need to get a cleaner or move back in with their mum to cope!

I'm sure if you're a single parent it's bloody hard work and help would be great, but I'm also sure there are lots of people like my friend who don't get help and just manage with working and raising kids all by themselves because there no option.

I disagree, I'm a lone parent and people often assume I must have help from family (I don't)

But you know it's sexist so why are you asking?

There are women (and men) who believe that men can't cope with this sort of thing without a woman's help and your mum is one of them 🤷‍♂️

I voted YABU because I think you’re forgetting his wife died! You’re comparing his situation to single parents, not other widows. Maybe your mum is asking if he has help because he has to deal with the day-to-day running of a house, taking care of the children and holding down a job (assuming he is working) alongside dealing with his own grief of losing his wife AND supporting their children through their grief of losing their mum!
I absolutely think people would ask the same question regarding getting help if it was woman who had been widowed. It would be very insensitive to assume a woman would be ok and ‘get on with it’ if her husband and the father of her children died.
I find it strange that you’re so bothered by the comments from your mum and have made it an opportunity for a sexist talk topic IMO

It’s not the same as a break up. The man lost his wife, so not only is he now doing all the childcare etc alone he is also grieving the loss of his wife, and also having to console children who have lost their mother. It’s nothing to do with gender, it’s a horrible situation which would be equally as bad had it been him that died instead of her. I don’t think your mum is being sexist at all.

Well you are the only person who responded who agrees with me so I do think it was worth me asking.

I agree with you. Did she ask where his dad or FIL were living?

I am definitely not forgetting his wife died, she was my best friend and I'm crushed by her loss.

Mum didn't say anything about his grief or their grief. It was all just about how does he practically cope looking after children and keeping a house and working, as if it was impossible to do, whereas we know women who do that and it doesn't come up (and one of those women lost her husband to a heart attack so it seems an equivalent situation).

As for why I asked I wanted to know if I was reading the conversation wrong as it's fairly emotional subject for me and I feel defensive of my wonderful friend and their family so I realise I may not be seeing this whole thing correctly so I wanted some outside opinions of people who aren't wrapped up in it.