Sorry in advance for the long post...
I have a neurodivergent (high functioning) son in their late 20s who's been living at home for the last several months (this is meant to be a temporary arrangement)
My problem relates to the tension between my DH and him. DS can be extremely irritating and doesn't really respond to limits/attempts to talk things through which tend to escalate things. The family generally works around him, steering him in the right direction when he's out of line as well as enjoying him when things are well (he can be very likeable). The warm feelings/affection that we have for him enable the gentle steering to work. My husband though has no affection for him, or can't access it at least (understandable in the context of DS's difficult adolescence with a lot of the difficult stuff directed toward his dad as well as resonances with DH's own father who was also on the spectrum). DH tries to sit on his anger but then intermittently can't and explodes, which may not matter except that it isn't tempered by a context of being warm at other times (quite the opposite in fact- my DH tries to manage his difficult feeling toward him by keeping a distance/ignoring him for the most part). When DH gets angry I struggle (Im not good with anger) and my DH ends up feeling unsupported by me (though I try and support I don't always succeed) which causes big issues between us
I'm feeling caught in the middle/am finding it really distressing... My main feeling is one of protectiveness toward my son, maybe misplaced at times and maybe at the expense of a protectiveness toward DH. It causes great rifts between me and DH which likely wouldn't be there if our DS weren't living at home but makes me wonder about the glue in our marriage and whether it's strong enough if we so easily polarise/are at odds.
I know it isn't really a AIBU though would really welcome any thoughts