Hi,
So I feel horrendous even writing this but I’m so worn down and upset with the behaviour of DS and it’s at the point where, despite loving him so much, I just want to stay away from him.
He’s only 4 and we don’t have any other 4 year olds to compare to as to whether this is standard for 4 year olds with their brain development or it’s something else.
He does go to preschool and they always say he’s never any bother and they don’t know they’ve got him.
In the house it feels like a constant battle. He eats really well diet wise and rarely ever has any screen time, we try and get outdoors as much as we can. We’ve always had so much fun and had so much love to show him and still do.
The second you say no, even if you’re saying not right now, he goes 0-100. This can be because you’ve said no to a snack as it’s nearly main meal time, because you can’t immediately get to him right that second or because something has happened like a toy has fallen over.
It can also be if you accidentally say the wrong thing such as saying dinner time instead of tea time. At best we’ll just get bellowed at but it’s regularly hurtful and out of control.
Today for example, DH was upstairs changing DD (told to DS) and didn’t immediately come back so DS started screaming and throwing a range of shoes at the wall and over the stair gate. When I went to see what was happening and tell him it wasn’t okay to do that and daddy would be back soon, he then picked up a toy house for figures and threw it hard at me. He then told DH it had been me who threw all the shoes.
He throws things quite frequently and hits all of us. Just yesterday he hit our 1 year old in the head just for being sat in her high chair whilst he was getting upset. If she walks near him when he’s playing he will shout and try and push her over, sometimes by the face. He can be very unpredictable and things can come out of nowhere so it’s a battle trying to keep him safe and feel secure as well as safeguard DD because he becomes so strong. He’ll also shout at the dogs for no apparent reason or say they did something they didn’t.
It’s so heartbreaking because for so long he’s been the most polite, kind and loving little boy with impeccable manners. He’s always been a couple of years ahead with his speech so it’s not communication in that sense. Afterwards he’ll say sorry but it’s not long before it happens again.
We’ve tried everything such as picking our battles and not saying no to things that don’t really need it, reward chart, discussing the behaviour and feelings once he’s calmed down, immediate consequences like taking something he values away, asking if there’s anything he needs like a cuddle, telling him to sit somewhere for a minute to calm when he feels angry, ‘gentle hands’ which was what a family worker told us once, saying we don’t do that in our family, removing him or the item he’s trying to throw etc etc. If you try the more gentle methods, he will just continue repeatedly.
Taking away something he values just results in an escalation of screaming and angry behaviour (we don’t give in but he doesn’t calm for some time) and on the occasions that you’re so fed up that you end up raising your voice (not ideal I know), he just laughs at you and continues. If you give him a consequence such as x is going to happen now, he’ll just agree with it.
He also makes nearly every mealtime difficult by getting up from his chair countless times to do something like open the fridge and freezer, open cupboard doors or go to the toilet which is usually just him messing around with the tap. If you tell him not to in any which manner of asking, he will just continue.
He’s had a solid bedtime routine since he was tiny and has always gone to bed no issue. Alongside all of this, he’s started getting himself out of bed to then demand someone comes back to tuck him in again and will get repeatedly louder and louder until he’s woken DD up. The repetition continues even with going to him.
I just don’t know what to do anymore - is this normal? It’s so hard and I want to do the best by him.