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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend keeps cancelling on me

28 replies

Lonelygirl123 · 07/04/2024 12:00

So a little background… Boyfriend of 3.5 years, we live around an hour and a half apart. both in our late 30’s. He is self employed and has not been getting many job so spends a lot of his time trying to drum up new business. Financially he is in dire straights and will struggle to pay his bills next month and thinks he may even have to go bankrupt.

He keeps making plans with me, to come over, or me go there or to spend the day together. Then he cancels saying he is too busy with work as something came in and he needs to work on it. Then he feels depressed so cancels on me then, always last minute or sometimes he will postpone the meeting time to later in the day then when I later ring him to check it’s all good he will cancel then saying he is not in the right headspace to see me but he’ll see me another day, where he will most likely cancel too.

It’s getting ridiculous, however I try to be understanding and be there for him, check he is okay, offer support and not complain. I appreciate his situation is very stressful and he is struggling.

If I dare mention anything that might sound remotely like criticism for his behaviour or not sound happy/ totally fine about the cancellation of plans his response to me is to get annoyed. He will start accusing me of not being understanding or to tell me that I ‘just don’t seem to get what he is going through’. He will tell me I am so highly strung and should just chill out about it all.

Its taking its toll on me and I’m feeling unloved and unimportant and not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

Should I just accept he is busy/ working/ depressed and always be fine with how his cancelling plans and having hardly any time for me makes me feel? It won’t be forever as work will pick up, should I just be super supportive during this time?

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 07/04/2024 12:02

Pull back and see if he contacts you, if not let it go.
He dosent sound that into you.
When people want to get together, they do and nothing stops them.

Original poster
Lonelygirl123 · 07/04/2024 12:06

PassingStranger · 07/04/2024 12:02

Pull back and see if he contacts you, if not let it go.
He dosent sound that into you.
When people want to get together, they do and nothing stops them.

He messages me regularly and we speak on the phone pretty much everyday. I feel I have pulled back recently but it just involves him making plans he won’t keep and me being ‘fine’ with it. Maybe I should try more pullback and see.

OP posts:
InBedBy10 · 07/04/2024 12:08

Relationships shouldn't be this hard, this early. I'd let him go. He clearly isn't that into you and the fact he can't take any kind of criticism when he's wrong is a red flag.

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 12:08

He sounds very stressed due to financial concerns
possible depressed
and possibly losing interest

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 12:09

Financially he is in dire straights and will struggle to pay his bills next month and thinks he may even have to go bankrupt.

can you not go to him?

LlynTegid · 07/04/2024 12:11

Unless you are prepared for him to visit at almost no notice with no prearranged plans, maybe the relationship has run its course.

Original poster
Lonelygirl123 · 07/04/2024 12:12

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 12:09

Financially he is in dire straights and will struggle to pay his bills next month and thinks he may even have to go bankrupt.

can you not go to him?

I do go to him most of the time we do see each other. Often he doesn’t want me there as he is stressed/ busy/ depressed. He then suggest a new date and the cycle continues.

OP posts:
brocollilover · 07/04/2024 12:14

cancelling is classic sign of depression

does he have children? do you?

Sparklfairy · 07/04/2024 12:16

If he really is on the verge of bankruptcy, I can imagine that's pretty stressful. He probably feels guilty going off and 'having fun' with you when his business is in dire straits too. He probably also feels guilty spending money on petrol going to you, or a takeaway/nice food if you go there. I'd be terrible company in that situation as well.

I think you should cut him some slack personally. PP is wrong to say 'When people want to get together, they do and nothing stops them.' His business, livelihood, home, and life as he knows it is on the line. I bet the last thing he feels like doing is slapping a happy face on for OP and forgetting his responsibilities for a few hours/a day/a weekend.

His priority needs to be saving his business, or if he can't, folding it and getting a job. After 3.5 years together it's up to you to decide if you're committed enough to him to ride out this period or cut your losses.

GaspingGekko · 07/04/2024 12:19

How long has this been going on OP? If this has been going on for a few weeks I'd cut him some slack, his situation certainly sounds stressful. If it's been going on for months I'd be reassessing if I wanted to stay in the relationship.

Createausername1970 · 07/04/2024 12:22

I think you should take a step back. He sounds very stressed about his financial situation and maybe just doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the relationship side of things at the moment.

That doesn't mean your relationship is dead or dying though, if he is still contacting you daily.

Make plans to do other things with friends you maybe haven't seen for a while, give him some headspace, especially if he is having to consider bankruptcy. But stay in touch and let him know you are there to support when he needs it.

Then see where you are in a month or so.

Original poster
Lonelygirl123 · 07/04/2024 12:25

GaspingGekko · 07/04/2024 12:19

How long has this been going on OP? If this has been going on for a few weeks I'd cut him some slack, his situation certainly sounds stressful. If it's been going on for months I'd be reassessing if I wanted to stay in the relationship.

It’s been going on for about 4 months but the business failing has been over a year and a half and it’s just always that I need to be understanding and shouldn’t put pressure on him to spend time together. Which I don’t.

I suppose I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and be empathetic as best I can. It’s just taking it’s toll on my well-being.

OP posts:
Astariel · 07/04/2024 12:26

He’s a boyfriend of 3.5 years. You’re both still living hours away from each other and living largely separate lives - to the extent that he doesn’t seem to see you as a person who supports him with his troubles and you are feeling unwanted and always in the wrong.

It may be that the relationship has run its course and no longer does what either of you need it to. That is ok.

It’s easy to end up focusing on him in these circumstances - and if does sound like he’s having a crap time. But you need to also think about yourself. Do you want to keep going in a long distance relationship? What do you need at this point in your life to feel happy and fulfilled?

The advice would be totally different if you were a partnership - living together with entangled lives. But you’re not and it doesn’t sound like that’s ever been on the cards for this relationship. That might have been great for you 3 years ago, but it doesn’t sound like it’s what you want or need in 2024.

Astariel · 07/04/2024 12:28

I suppose I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and be empathetic as best I can. It’s just taking it’s toll on my well-being.

I don’t think this is a reasonable expectation of yourself. That's why it’s taking such a toll on your wellbeing.

You can be empathetic - you can recognise it’s hard for him and that you’re not his top priority - and still prioritise your own wellbeing.

Original poster
Lonelygirl123 · 07/04/2024 12:31

Createausername1970 · 07/04/2024 12:22

I think you should take a step back. He sounds very stressed about his financial situation and maybe just doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the relationship side of things at the moment.

That doesn't mean your relationship is dead or dying though, if he is still contacting you daily.

Make plans to do other things with friends you maybe haven't seen for a while, give him some headspace, especially if he is having to consider bankruptcy. But stay in touch and let him know you are there to support when he needs it.

Then see where you are in a month or so.

I think this is great advice, thank you. It really puts things into perspective.

I’ve been so focused on him that I’m forgetting about me. I want to be there for him and also for me. I have lovely friends and really should reach out more.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 07/04/2024 12:33

I think @Astariel makes some really good points. This is a fairly long term relationship, and yet it doesn't seem to have progressed. You are still a long distance from each other, it still sounds casual in that he keeps cancelling 'dates' rather than you being his partner and regularly staying over/seeing him.

I would be re-thinking the relationship. He doesn't have a get out of jail free card to keep cancelling seeing you - and yet STILL keep the relationship going. You don't have to be with anyone, for any reason. I would probably tell him this weekend, 'Jack, I'm here for you and I want to help and support - but I have my own life and my own needs. If you continue to keep cancelling spending time with me then I will assume the relationship has run its course, and I'll be moving on. I've tried to support you - but you don't appear to want that. You simply want me to stay away, shut up and sit around waiting for you. It's been 4 months now and I'm not prepared to keep doing that indefinitely'.

SheepAndSword · 07/04/2024 12:33

Is he worried about the cost involved with meeting up? What do you usually do when you see each other?

Thelnebriati · 07/04/2024 12:35

If I dare mention anything that might sound remotely like criticism for his behaviour or not sound happy/ totally fine about the cancellation of plans his response to me is to get annoyed.

Its unreasonable that you aren't allowed to have your own feelings about a situation that affects you.

He will tell me I am so highly strung and should just chill out about it all.

You state your feelings, he gets annoyed at you for having feelings. That's not you being highly strung, its you trying to have an adult relationship.

It doesnt sound like he has the head space for a relationship right now.

existentialpain · 07/04/2024 12:36

He's got a huge amount on his plate and I would imagine he doesn't have enough emotional energy to deal with a relationship at the moment but he doesn't want to let go of you either.

All you can really do is take a step back and see how he reacts. It's very difficult when someone is defensive because you can't really be honest with them without causing a row. That's a bad sign in itself.

Catza · 07/04/2024 12:37

Sounds like you are dating my ex! And he is an ex for a reason. The flakiness is not a problem as clearly there is stuff going on but the fact that your emotional wellbeing doesn't matter and you are scared to mention anything because he will blow up in your face is not something that is worth wasting your time on.

Original poster
Lonelygirl123 · 07/04/2024 12:38

SheepAndSword · 07/04/2024 12:33

Is he worried about the cost involved with meeting up? What do you usually do when you see each other?

He is worried about the money which I understand. So mostly I go to his and we stay in and watch movies and cook, go for walks. Or he comes to mine and we do the same really. If we go out to the cinema I usually book and pay for it for us these days.

OP posts:
Emptyheadlock · 07/04/2024 12:43

Just dump him.

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 15:21

what are you getting out of this op?

you hardly see him
he’s long distance
and i’m guessing when you’re with him…. it’s fleeting, he is distracted and if you do anything that costs money… he has to be subbed by you.

if you were married and / or living together …. then i could get why you want to stick by him. But it’s long distance, he’s either depressed or not keen or both and…. his finances are likely to get worse before they get better .

Original poster
Lonelygirl123 · 10/04/2024 13:04

Thank you all for your take on the situation. So by way of update…

He came over eventually after cancelling again first, said he would stay for the week. Stayed just over 24 hours and then left in a manic panic after getting some negative work news. I asked if he was coming back, he said ‘no’.

OP posts:
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