To not be a morning person

[gratefulbutsad]

Someone recently started a thread on here about her partner not waking her up when she is not a morning person and needs assistance. I found it fascinating as she felt the need to justify that she was not lazy, just struggled with sleep and getting up and reiterated how much she hates it.

I feel exactly the same. Always have done, have tried ambitiously booking morning gym classes (and I mean before work) to try to fit in with the high achievers I work with who all seem to be up at 5am, 6am to exercise and still be at work at 8am. Even the times I forced myself to go I felt awful for it all day.

It's my worst nightmare anyone at work knowing how much I like to get out bed very shortly before 9am calls. Even getting up to wfh is bad enough, I have DS but DH and me have an agreement be does mornings and drop off and I do pick up and bed times. It works for us.

But yet I feel so self conscious with the mums at the gates who note I 'never' seem to drop off. I've tried to cover it up with 'I work better in mornings' but it's all a lie. If I am a mum and work 5 days a week and have a busy household with a dog too, why do I need to justify I'm not lazy?! Maybe a me problem. I'm constantly ashamed of my need for sleep and hatred of getting up and it's a viscous cycle as the more I try to cover it up the worse I feel. I just can't change, I've tried!!

Due to DS I've been awake at 6am all of this week and weekend but twice DH took him and I went back on work days.

Anyone else feel the shame? And want to change!

do you exercise etc in the evenings?

i suspect you’re seeing shadows where there are none

I’m the same OP hate mornings, always have - always will I suspect!

Have you read the ‘why we sleep’ book? It talks in there about how huge chunk of people (maybe a third I can’t remember how many) aren’t morning people at all but the world basically revolves around those that are. Teenagers would be scientifically better off if they could start school later.

I think a surprising amount of wfh’s just get up right before 9, would love to see some stats on that!

If it because of something such as alcohol consumption, then little sympathy. Otherwise I don't see is as an issue if you are a reliable person. I worked for many years with someone who was not a morning person, but never once was a deadline missed or a response lacking.

I think the greatest secret to a happy life is when we can accept this is just the way we are.

Everybody is different, personalised medicine will be amazing when they can tailor our needs to our biology and biochemistry. This doesn’t need to be a cop out for not trying to do things better.

Ive always had low energy. All my life I have spent trying to find the secret formula that other people have obviously cracked. But no, it’s the way I am. So now I do physical stuff in short bursts and rest in between. The rest may be sitting sorting my laundry, or doing admin. Sometimes I could get far more done in a week than my ex who had amazing stamina.

You need to work out who you are, and work your life around you for the best fit.

It sounds like you have already done that.

I hate early mornings and drag myself out of bed - I kind of assumed most people do this. Even are dog is happy to lay in until 10am.

But, I love nights and go to bed between 11pm and midnight. I work full time, have 3 dc, am studying for a masters. So while I’m lazy on a Saturday morning, I’m not lazy overall.

Definitely not alcohol related as I stopped drinking much after DS, rarely drink and only have a few if I ever do. Being on maternity leave taught me I have a very fragile brain and body, unlike the other mums who 'just got on with it' with continuous little sleep, I would fall to pieces. I learnt alcohol disrupts sleep quality and I also have always known I can't function on hangovers so it was a no brainer to not drink after becoming a mum.

This is what I mean when I say I try hard, I know my fragile brain can't function without sleep and I try to do everything in my power to overcome the the obstacle, I think I have high sleep needs, have undiagnosed ADHD which I very clearly have and anxiety challenges. But all in all a very good life I'm grateful for!

But yet I feel so self conscious with the mums at the gates who note I 'never' seem to drop off.

Well I think they can be safely ignored because I'd bet money they wouldn't say that to a dad. I mean, the only way they know you never drop off is because they always do, and therefore presumably their children's fathers aren't doing it.
Which is fine, whatever works for each family is fine. But there's absolutely no reason to query why a mother isn't doing drop offs.

How many hours sleep are you getting? If you go to bed at midnight and get up at 9. That’s just the same as going at 10 getting up at 7
Ive always been a morning person. But I’m ready for bed at 10 the latest.

I’m not naturally a morning person. I have to get up early in the week to sort out kids and start work but at the weekend I sleep until 9 when I can. Generally I don’t feel bad as I know I’m not lazy. I work hard. But it does annoy me when my sister in law scoffs at our long weekend lie ins. She gets up really early but seems to forget that she goes to bed at 8:30! Firstly I couldn’t sleep at that time. And secondly I’m doing jobs whilst she’s in bed and she’s doing things when I’m in bed. What difference does it make?!

I'm not a morning person either. At all! I also need more than the average amount of sleep and barely function if I'm sleep deprived. I think if you've found a way that works for you and your family, then don't worry what other people think! The other option is you force yourself to do the morning drop-offs, get tired, stressed, probably less productive at work, and if you're like me grumpy!

I am not a morning person either. In the holidays I often get up at lunch time or after. My ideal job would be one where the hours were between 2p.m. and 7p.m. I get anxious about having to get up early and that in turn stops me from sleeping so it's made even worse!

Getting up early has become one of those things (see also: being super-organised, having an immaculate house, having a 'routine' for your kids, high personal grooming standards etc) that signals superior beings. When actually they are default settings and preferences. If you're not getting up at 5 to fit in yoga and posting your latest musings on substack - what are you even doing with your life?

We all exist on a a scale somewhere between extreme control and extreme chaos. Lucky if you're in the middle. But there are pros and cons whatever your default setting is.

Having small kids is tiring. What time do you go to bed? Have you always been a night owl? Wondering why you want to change?

@SmellsLikeTeenSpirits you're so right. If you are an early riser it seems it's very well known. I have for my entire adult life found it difficult to rise early, and I think it's ADHD and insomnia related but I don't spend time getting diagnosed. I should.

Honestly, I want to change as I find it embarrassing. From the mums who say they get up before their kids for 'peaceful time' and those who exercise on a Saturday morning whilst their DH takes their DC, yet if my DH takes them im on my phone/having a hot drink on sofa or in bed. Foggy brain, processing the morning.

Mainly though, it's the company I work for. There is a real hustle culture of high performers, mainly men in sales but a few women too and they gym before work or get into work for 7-7.30am, book meetings for 8am. They go out drinking and socialising and still function the next day. I don't feel the need to drink anymore but I just wish I could ride early. I also feel for DH doing the mornings. It would be better if it was 50/50. Although he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow 99% of the time. I'm 60% fall asleep in ok time and 40% stay up for hours.

I've always been a night owl, never had a routine as a child or rules at home, had a lock on my door and did as I pleased so I had awful sleep hygiene all the way through my teens and adulthood too. I had very irresponsible parents. I don't know if it's that but I have also had in the past jobs which allowed me to start at 9.30am and the past 8 years I've been in jobs which it's frowned upon to get in after 9am, my current company people would typically get in way sooner, although since Covid I wfh 4 days a week.

I go to bed at 10.30pm and fall asleep anywhere between 11pm and 1.30am.

God, other people are the pits. Just do what works for you and your family, who cares what anyone else thinks - especially school gate mums!

It’s not, although it may seem that way. We are genetically predisposed to enter our deepest sleep cycles at certain times of the night. For some people, for example, that may be 1-4am and for someone else that may be 3-6am, which shifts how tired/rested we feel at a certain time of the morning.

This predisposition also affects what time we are most likely able to fall asleep. For some that is 9-10pm, for others 11-12am.

My natural sleep pattern is midnight - 8am. I sleep pretty well if I can match those times. When life forces me out of it (like pretty much all work) I feel crap and sleep badly. I’m semi retired, aiming for complete retirement to alleviate this, but I resent having felt crap pretty much all my life because society is arranged around early risers.

I feel you! I’m a natural night owl and my optimum sleeping pattern would be around 1-2am until around 9-10am. Work doesn’t allow for that sadly! However I do relate to the justification part of what you’re saying - I work with “5am” club people too and always feel like I have to justify sleeping later. However I am very productive at night whereas many of them go to bed with their kids at 8pm. They don’t feel the need to justify this. 🤔 It’s a weird one!

I am like you Op. I understand, it is a struggle. I feel so exhausted in the mornings and as the day passes, my energy levels go up. I am at my most energetic self in the evenings and night, almost like they were my mornings. But reality is world is built around morning people.
Like you I also had irresponsible parents.

I’ve also heard/read somewhere an hour before midnight is worth 2 after. Can’t remember where though.

People look at me like I’m crazy if I tell them I’ve been up since 4. Like it in summer it’s awful in winter. And I’m starving by 10am.

Another one here who hares early mornings 🙋‍♀️ I'm much more of a night owl, but with work and school days I try to suck it up and have at least 2 cups of coffee before I leave the house lol 😆

That’s definitely true of children. The hours of 7-12am provide the most restorative sleep.

I’m not a morning person at all. I actually feel physically sick if I have to get up anytime before 8 am no matter how late I go to bed.

it’s actually one of the main reasons why I won’t be having children. Because I know that I would not cope on little sleep.

There is a definite evolutionary benefit to having a range of different circadian rhythms in a population, so that they were adaptable to changing environmental conditions, see below I read elsewhere that these traits have persisted because for instance as cave dwellers, lookouts would raise the alarm if predators were approaching and it was of benefit to have members of the community who were awake at different times to facilitate this.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1142335/