To Not Invite Any of My Family to Wedding?

[WoodlandNature]

Me (31F) and DP (43M) of 4 years have decided to get married.

Neither of us have children. DP has been married once before.

We have been on and off in the time we have been together. This has mostly been down to me having several mental health incidents along the way due to reasons which are now finally resolved. But additionally, my battle axe, quite controlling mother decided upon meeting DP that she didn't like him, for no solid reason at all. She said he seems like a snob. I can reassure you, DP is no snob.

Due to forming this opinion my DM proceeded to ostracise me from the family by being rude to me and saying highly offensive things whenever I saw her and demanded to know why I am spending my life with such a snobby, rude man….!!! My 2 sisters (older, but close in age) and father fell in line with her opinion of my DP. Because that's how my family works…. It's the easy route for them. I think this is my DM's honest opinion of my DP. I do genuinely think she feels it is important for me to not be with DP although she is absolutely wrong.

As I am close to my family (in terms of visiting them regularly for dinner etc), this was very hard to deal with on top of the other struggles I was having. I also didn't tell DP what was happening because I didn't know what to say without hurting him? This added to my mental strain in a way that made my behaviour (regular crying, etc) difficult to explain to DP. This strain then caused issues between us and so we broke up twice only to get back together a couple of weeks later….!! We want to stay together, we want to get married. I have told DP about everything now. None of my family know we are back together. I am getting on well (as well as can be….) with my DM and DS’s and DF. But I know that when I tell them about DP they will ostracise me again.

I realise I am an adult and should have stood up to my family. But I had a lot of other things on my plate at the time too. I didn't have the strength in me. Also my family clearly have issues and when you have grown up with that, it's not so easy to stop complying with the toxicity/control if you see what I mean?

Further back story, last time DP was married, his DM was too ill to attend the wedding. His wife-to-be at the time point blank refused to rearrange the wedding and there was a big family fall out.

So now I want to marry my DP.

I don't want a big wedding, I would even get married with just the 2 of us there.

DP is also not fussed on having a big wedding, but wants his family there especially after what happened during his first marriage.

Because it will be a small occasion, we don't want to wait. Essentially we want to be husband and wife - now.

I don't want to invite my family.

Is that a mistake?
Will that cause upset to me on the day, and on the run up to it? Thus detracting from what should be a special time for me and DP?
Is it especially a problem to invite DP’s immediate family but not my own?
Should I invite my family and just grin and bear it on the day?
I'm scared that if I invite them they will use it as a power-trip and leave me wondering whether or not they will turn up on the day…
DP’s family now know about how my family reacted to DP and so won't that just be horrifically awkward for them to all be in the same room?

There are no children in the family so I can't use that as an excuse for not inviting my sisters or anything. We all live locally.

Can I just never tell my family that me and DP are back together, never mind getting married? I realise that's ridiculous, but using this as a space to air out all my thoughts anonymously.

I don't know how to handle this. I don't want the mental strain of it all after having worked hard on recovering from various things. I just want to enjoy my time and life with DP.

What should I do?

i would recommend talking to a therapist. It sounds like a difficult situation and you are struggling to sort it out in your head. I think sorting it out with someone neutral would give you the confidence to engage with your family(or not) in a way that works for you. Good luck

Marrying someone your family dislike is notoriously difficult. Its really difficult to tell from your post what the issues are - why doesn't your mother like him? Has she always disliked your boyfriends?

Also, your DP's family fallout about his fiancee refusing to rearrange the wedding and his mother being ill is confusing. What sort of ill? Because if you get up with a.bad cold on the day of a wedding with 300 people invited, there is no realistic way to postpone unless you have huge insurance. If it was a longer term condition it seems surprising they planned a wedding that might be inaccessible during that time.

If you keep having mental health breaks you need to get to therapy - possibly couples therapy - before you commit to.this relationship. I think there is too much to unpack for an aibu.

I think the biggest mistake here was dp telling his parent what your parents think. Frankly massively unhelpful before a wedding as the tension will be across the family and raise risk for a shot show

if you want to keep relationships with fam8ly then you need to invite them if his family will be there. If they aren’t invited and his are, that’ll create problems further down the line

BUT, you need to set your boundaries. They only can come if:

1. they apologise to you both for creating issues with your relationship
2. they cease their relentless disapproval and accept youand dp as you are and keep opinions to yourself
3. they agree to support you in your marriage and your vows to each other
4. they turn up on day and are focusing on ensure you and partner have a stress free, happy day about the 2 of you

if they cannot or will not support you both, your marriage, and your vows and make that commitment to you both, then they don’t come to wedding. It would be the height of hypocrisy and a complete sham. Weddings are public acknowledgement and asking support of a social group to accept the relationship socially. If they can’t and won’t do that- there is no point at all in them attending. It simply won’t make any sense.

the ball is then in their court to decide if they will accept dp as your husband and thus attend the wedding.

id suggest writing it in a letter so that the boundary is clear, the choice is clear that they need to make. Write to parents first as they lead the way with family. Say in letter that you will visit to tlak about it and their choices, once they’ve had time to digest the information and think about it.

if they choose not to agree to your boundaries and don’t come to wedding, then you don’t HAVE to make that the end of your relationship with them. You have a boundary, you say that’s fine then but they’ll not be coming to the wedding then, and that if they ever pass comment unsolicited about your dp or your marriage then you will walk away form that conversation, and only return when they stop passing judgements and comments. It’ll not be easy, but don’t do a Hobson choice here of having to “choose” them or dp. That’s not going to make you less stressed or happy. The hobsons choice is already made you ill so just say to both dp and parents, you will NOT allow either to force youto choose, and will keep both relationship entirely seperate and refuse to engage in conversations with them around the other party.

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate the inputs. I have read them but I am going out now so I want to read them again properly this evening

Your choice OP

However, for better or worse and IMO, for the better longer term - invite no one. Then no one can complain

Your marriage, your life and those that really love you will come around the situations

Good luck and I hope it works out for you guys

My DM is hugely into appearances. Always trying to tell me what to wear, how my hair should be, what skin procedures I should get, telling me not to get fat... It's a lot… Separate to this, she has a definite preference for a ‘bad boy’. My last partner, years ago now, kinda fitted that bill and she LOVED him. When I broke up with him (I just wasn't feeling it), she was so sad about it.

My DP is not that at all. He wouldn't be someone to walk around in designer clothes or anything like that. He's quite modest?

So ironically it's actually my mother being a snob about him. That's my honest belief as to why she doesn't like him. I think, in her head, this is a legitimate reason and she feels very disappointed.

Story about my DP’s ex/previous wedding I have been a bit vague about sorry, just because I don't want to reveal too many details online.

I'm going to speak further with DP and see just how strongly he feels about his family attending. Perhaps we could do it just us 2 if he was okay with that.

In that case- would you tell my family ahead or afterwards if you were me? I'm veering towards afterwards because I don't want to be upset by them the weeks before. I could just send them a photo after the day has passed.

If not, I will write a letter as per Dartwarbler’s advice. The only thing is I won't ask for an apology because I know I will never get one.
I will then think about how to handle DP’s family’s knowledge of things from there….

Now you've written more about your mother I really wouldn't want her there!!!

A compromise for your DH could be that his parents come and be the witnesses.

With your family I'd keep up the grey rock of "if you can't be happy for us then say nothing" and learn to walk out of their house whenever they start or hang up.

Why should you worry about your family, they aren't worried about you?
Just go ahead if that's what you want.

Go to a registry office. Get future FIL and MIL to witness. Get married. Have a nice meal with his family. End.

As to your family. Go LC rather than NC. Live your life. See them as and when. Don't tell them about your personal life. Compartmentalise. End.

Only issue will be if you have kids. At that point, if not before, therapy needed to break dysfunctional patterns and a decision to be made regarding LC/NC with your family (although if you reveal you're pregnant, with someone they disapprove of, decision might be made for you. No FOG on your side then. They went NC themselves).

In that case- would you tell my family ahead or afterwards if you were me?
I wouldn't tell them at all.
Look, at some point, you have to evaluate that dynamic and decide what works best for you. I don't think it's a healthy one so I would do what takes from you least.