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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overthinking,how do u deal with this situation?

12 replies

ivise · 07/04/2024 08:36

So me and my cousin meet up regularly. We have kids who loves to play together, mostly we meet up at my house because I end up asking to come over. She barely asks to come to hers,unless I mention. I always end up cooking dinner for us and kids because of the time she comes, we normally like to have a drink and she knows that. If I mention do u have anything to tip for a drink she say oh I don't have any money which she has ,she just always so tight when it comes to gatherings and that annoys me, and she knows we are worse off and struggling financially.If I go to hers I bring my own drinks even to her own parties (because she always lets me know that she don't have that much money for drinks ), if she comes to mine I end up always cooking and getting drink(she has brought drinks before but rarely ). What annoys me is that she never wants to hang outside the house with kids like other friends , she will just say oh don't have money but then send me pics of her having drink or new order of clothes. I don't mind what she spends on but I think this is one way friendship. Our kids loves playing together and she is family I feel hard to just ignore her,we always mention about meeting up but it's me who ends up inviting to my house . I have told her that she needs make an effort too but since then it kind of got worse 😄
Tbh it's not only me from family who has mentioned of her never contributing. People always feel awkward when it comes to gathering because she will never offer any contribution to food or drinks , but she knows if she comes people will offer her their drinks and food be there .

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 07/04/2024 08:39

Invite her at a time that doesn't involve meals or drinks or invite her to meet for the kids to play at the park (which is free) If she doesnt come you know what she's about and don't invite her again.

Aubree17 · 07/04/2024 08:40

Money possibly is tight and she needs to choose what she spends it on. That's fair enough.
Cut back the budget when she comes to yours it it grates on you. Suggest free outings to parks.

Gift what you are happy to gift and don't expect anything in return.

eish · 07/04/2024 08:40

Stop offering drinks and say you can’t afford it at the moment. Say, sorry, you’ll have to leave before tea time today as I can’t afford to feed yours as well this week. She thinks you have the money because you provide it. If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. When you can afford it, provide it.

Hellocatshome · 07/04/2024 08:46

Hellocatshome · 07/04/2024 08:39

Invite her at a time that doesn't involve meals or drinks or invite her to meet for the kids to play at the park (which is free) If she doesnt come you know what she's about and don't invite her again.

Unless of course you can afford to pay for the food and drinks and are happy to do so in exchange for their company but from your post it doesn't sound like you are.

GRex · 07/04/2024 08:49

Aubree17 · 07/04/2024 08:40

Money possibly is tight and she needs to choose what she spends it on. That's fair enough.
Cut back the budget when she comes to yours it it grates on you. Suggest free outings to parks.

Gift what you are happy to gift and don't expect anything in return.

This is goid advice. Start giving only what you are happy to give, and don't expect anything from her. There is more to friendship than giving food.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/04/2024 08:51

You need to eat if you’ve got kids, but just keep it simple, tomato pasta or something. And don’t offer alcoholic drinks, or just tell her direct “ Can you bring a bottle of wine with you?”
She does sound tight but if she has other redeeming qualities and the children are having a good time, I’d keep inviting her but just cut back on what you provide.

Original poster
ivise · 07/04/2024 08:57

I understand guys what u say but she is my family and it's not that easy to say and kids loves play dates in house and as I said she never wants to do anything outside house with us ( she mostly does it with her family ), I have cut back on inviting and it ends up us not meeting so I almost feel like I am the one wanting this situation going. But also I never wait exactly same in return otherwise I would have stop this long time ago . If there is a gathering why is everyone happy to contribute and she can always turn up to stuff and have it free and easy , I think if u contribute in any way it shows u want this meet ups as much as everyone else , am I wrong? If one side only does it all the time , it almost feels like u are the only person who needs this .

OP posts:
Original poster
ivise · 07/04/2024 09:03

@DelphiniumBlue I am going to do that , i think I need to find new friends who are more sociable and happy to plan things together , and with her keep plain kid dates at home . I don't mind doing anything for kids ,just wish she invited my kid to her house too as she keeps asking but I always have to make excuses x

OP posts:
eish · 07/04/2024 09:09

This sounds quite one sided to me and she sounds quite selfish, never contributing, never organising. Definitely find more friends with aligned values.

fatphalange · 07/04/2024 09:10

It's not that much of a hardship to pop the kettle on and make her a tea or coffee is it? It doesn't have to be expensive!

WonderingWanda · 07/04/2024 09:15

I think she is using you to an extent and you are enabling it. You mention she doesn't like to meet up outside the house. If you stopped inviting her over to freeload off you would she actually bother to keep in touch with you? Is she really as close as you think?

Boombatty · 07/04/2024 09:15

Just don't drink or offer alcohol when she comes over?

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