AIBU to sometimes feel like crap with my boyfriend?

[Chrissie377]

I sometimes feel like crap with my partner and I don't know why

Let me start by saying that my partner(40 M) has been a good and supportive one and cares and loves me about me (37 F) a lot. We don't know each other for long, 1 year but I fell pregnant early in the relationship. I feel like sometimes he does invalidate my feelings and experiences. He said to me that he wants to get married with me when our kid can be a bridesmaid so that she can deliver the rings. This is his vision according to him.

I understand that and everything. We live together and have joint accounts, my name is on the tenancy agreement as a permitted occupant (not as tenant, we said that on March 2025 when the contract renews I will be in the tenancy agreement). My name is on the council tax with his name and on some of the bills. The past 2 days I asked him what is his intention from now on since we have a baby, cohabit and we are saving to buy a house. He told me that he is surprised with this question as I already know that he wants to marry me. I explained that I would like to have some assurances since we aren't married such as to sign a cohabitation agreement. He refused to sign that as he said that he doesn't need a piece of paper to dictate his relationship with me. I told him I really need to know if he is serious about us and this is a stable relationship and he is not just gonna walk away and not pay any support if we break up. He said that our girl is on the birth certificate and in this event the law is gonna chase him for support. He assured me he would never avoid child support. He didn't understand why I need assurances at this stage despite I explained to him why.

Yesterday another event that happened as an icing on the cake is that I was with his mum at an all day event with the baby and on the way back my battery died but I did have a contactless card for the travel (UK) This didn't work on the first bus we took for some reason but it worked on the second. His mum said that she won't leave us to go home alone despite that she would get out of her way for home. I told her multiple times she doesn't need to do that as she had a long day and we would be fine. She said she wanted to come with us just to make sure we are safe regardless of the battery situation. When I went home he was angry because his mum came with us as my battery died and she was worried (that's what he understood). I told him this is not the case she wanted to make sure we are safe regardless. Then he went on saying how he is angry that his mum wasn't home because of me. Then I snapped and we argued but then we calmed down and had a normal convo. He thought that because of this event I'm asking for reassurances now with regards to our relationship as he thinks I'm scared that because I have no family in the UK and we aren't married, that his family will gang up on me and they will take my baby. I said its not that I just wanna make sure where we are heading as a family and as a couple. He said that I'm on the flat contract and he can add me in the rest of the bills if it makes me feel more comfortable but he said he never asked assurances of me as he trusts me and loves me a lot and he really intends to marry me as he views our relationship as forever.

Anyway these are some recent examples. Also his family and other people keep mentioning how our daughter looks so much like her dad. I can't help but be bothered about this as it feels invalidating and a bit not so nice to me really. They might not mean any harm but I don't feel good. I feel like I'm not equal. Also he helps with our daughter but not as much as I want. He helped quite a bit the first month as he was on paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. I understand he is working but I would want him to hold her more.

This is what I feel currently. I don't know if all this is justified or a start of a postpartum depression.

tl;dr partner doesnt seem to want to give me security

Where are you from? You’re not from the UK but he is?

Marriage is about legal protection not anything at all to do with flower girls and rings.

You currently have no legal protection and it sounds like your position is precarious.

His words are just words. Do you have the financial means to support your daughter alone if necessary?

Not from the UK but I'm a working professional for years and I have ILR. For marriage he always said he wants to marry me without me asking. However he refused to have a cohabitation agreement between us. He made me yesterday a beneficiary to his main credit card.

As for our kid he said since he is on the certificate he cannot legally run away and not pay support

I'm Greek

All that adding you to bills and credit cards is doing is making you responsible for any debt, I really wouldn’t want that in your position.

I can understand why you feel vulnerable but it’s really too late to do much about it. He won’t marry you and you already have a baby 🤷‍♀️

If he wanted to marry you he would’ve done it already.

Being added to his credit card isn’t a legal protection for you.

We only know each other one year. He said he loves me and sees our relationship as forever

All he seems to be doing is adding you to all his bills, that’s not a sign of commitment, that’s just making you liable. Sorry @Chrissie377 , I think Mumsnet will tell you he has no intention of getting married.

Well im on the contract of the flat as well. He always said he wants to marry me. He agreed that he wouldn't want us to be together 5-10 years and be eternally bf/gf.

His family considers me family and he considers my family his. I dont know what exact legal protection marriage provides with regards to bills etc but I guess it would be the same liability. I just wanted the acknowledgement

Credit cards don't have benefiaries, credit cards are debt, not something you leave someone when you die!

If you split you will have no where to live. Do you have your own savings? I would be putting some money away for you and dc. Where did you live before?

Putting you on the bills just means you're equally responsible for them. That's not a commitment.

You will be entitled to child benefits when your child is born. Register this in your name it's about £95 a month. Will you be entitled to any other benefits? Have you discussed maternity leave, will he support you. Do you intend to go back to work full time? What will happen with child care.? Have you talked about parenting do you have the same values?

The main concern is that he decides what's happening and you basically go along either way it. Couples should make decisions jointly. It's not fair he decides and you don't get a say

Our child is three months old and I'm on maternity leave and I'll go back to work

From your timeline, it sounds like you got pregnant the night of your first date.
It has been a hectic year, meet a girl, she gets pregnant, 9 months of pregnancy and then a bundle of joy.
That is a lot in a year!!

It doesn't sound like he doesn't want to marry you, he just wants to wait a while and I can understand why.

You haven't said your relationship is bad, so carry on and maybe don't keep mentioning marriage to him. Him not asking you to marry him is fine, he has said he wants to marry you, try not to get hung up on that fact.

His signing a piece of paper to commit to you will give you no more security than you have now.

I got pregnant in the first 2 months

It's not too late😂. They've only been together a year.

You've got a very young baby, you're still recovering and sleep deprived.

I'd say the most important thing is for both of you to get a will. Plenty of people get married with young children but don't rush, have the wedding you want.

There is no reason or benefit to being added to his credit card unless you cannot get one of your own. If you can get your own one and build up a credit history.
I haven't really heard of a cohabitation agreement, but that would have limited validity. You can replicate most of the protections of marriage through legal processes but it is far quicker, cheaper and easier to just get married.
Child Support would be payable regardless of him being on the birth certificate all that has done has given him some legal rights (over schools etc) without having to go through the courts.
I would suggest you get some legal advice to explain the situation in the UK, maybe you can get some legal advice through your employee assistance programme?

Yes but it would outline the type of relationship we have and arrangements in situations of finances, child arrangements and touchwood death

I'd go and speak with citizens advice and go through possible scenarios and see where you stand should you split up.

I also see a little bit of a red flag around how he responded to his mum bringing you home. Something that was totally innocent and actually extremely caring on her part.

You have a baby with a Brit, not a Greek. It works very very differently, you can’t expect him to behave like a typical Greek.
The cultural differences are quite vast when it comes to family between the 2 countries. It’s a shit situation to negotiate with someone who has very little insight into your own culture.
My ExH was British. I’m not. Initially we lived in my country, then moved to the UK when we got married. I got lost somewhere in between being a wife, a mother, an immigrant.
With a 3 month baby, not married, in a foreign country you’re bound to feel vulnerable and lost. But that’s how you feel. From his point of view, he has no idea what the problem is, he loves you, he’ll take care of you, you made him a dad, all is more than well.

My suggestion would be to seek comfort in things familiar to you. Keep Orthodox Easter cause it’s next month anyway, even if you’re not particularly religious, it is part of us, our traditions are different. Get a briki and make coffee like at home, watch Greek TV, rally your Greek friends around. I know the displacement you feel well. It’ll pass, it’s just a stage.

Also, get yourself British citizenship and Greek for your daughter. Trust me.

She said that she would come with us regardless of if my battery died or not. He was pissed that she just didn't go straight home. It was her decision to do so and not ours.

I will definitely do that. Are you Greek as well? I told him I don't wanna be an eternal gf and he agreed. I don't understand also how he will go from bf /gf to the other extreme marriage without anything in between. Unless he just stringing me along and using me to save money which I don't wanna think this is the case. I've seen a lot happening to people married or not. I guess there are no guarantees in this life.

As a PP said, his reaction about his mum is a bit worrying. It may be that he does want to marry you but wants to take a little bit of time. Time will tell… You being added to the bills is a commitment you are making not him….

I would take steps to protect yourself financially as best you can. I think return to work full-time as soon as you can, ensure he pays his share of the childcare (as he is as responsible as you if he has a child and needs to work)… Try and save some money, so you can build up a bit of security if things dont work out. Ensure you receive the child benefit.

Honestly I wouldnt worry about his family saying your child looks like him and their side of the family. People always say that.

About the marriage thing…people on MN will tell you that he doesn’t really want to marry you, but I don’t think that’s true. It sounds like he’s set in his ways and inflexible. My DH is the same. He also had his set ideas how and when to get married and wouldn’t be open to hearing me out. Not saying that this is great and we had our fights, but he saw it through and it wasn’t a case of him not loving me or not wanting to get married. Of course he should be listening to what’s important to you, but I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that he’s not serious about you.

With the rest, I would wait and see. You just had a baby, it’s a massive change for the both of you and you’re both maybe sleep deprived. If he doesn’t make you feel good in the long run, you should leave because you’ve deserved happiness, but I would focus on your baby for now.

I can see why you feel vulnerable given that you are a long way from your own family.

But from your own description it sounds like your partner is committed and plans to marry you. It also sounds like his family are looking out for you too. You are currently being supported financially and have the means to support yourself and your lo.

Of course, it's important to plan for all eventualities. But, there's nothing to suggest you're going to be left high and dry here.

1. I wouldn’t be pushing to get my name on his debts (credit card) or bills. I’m struggling to see the benefit.
2. As a previous poster said, he needs to pay 50% of childcare when you go back to work—the baby is 50% his. You BOTH require the childcare to work.
3. Pressuring a man to get married often backfires. Your posts give the impression that you think it’s important to be married to the father of your child, so I’m a bit perplexed about why you had a baby out of wedlock to begin with. Just because you have a baby together doesn’t mean he will automatically marry you.