The old 'he forgot our anniversary' story

[Miserycrumble]

Me and DP have been together since we were teens. Never got married but always marked the day we got together in some way. This morning, I put a card on his side table as I always do and he said 'aw I feel bad now'. In all honesty, I'm not surprised as usually I make sure he remembers by talking about it a few days before. This year I didn't. It's really making me sad as I reflect on how our relationship seems to be managed by me and how I must take the lead. I'm a being unreasonable to perhaps blow this fairly thoughtless gesture out of proportion and consider if this is the sort of relationship I want to be in.

Am I being unreasonable*?

Dh and I never remember ours neither does my sister and her dh. Not sure what they says but we all married over 15 years. My grandparents married over 60 never remembered. My gran says those that make a fuss have issues in the marriage. She and my grandad died ages late 80s...

I think you are because whichever of us remembers it’s coming up asks the other what we’re going to do to mark it. Likewise birthdays. While I’m sympathetic to the frequent threads on here about forgotten occasions and hurt feelings, not discussing them in advance is such a strange concept to me I just can’t relate.

It’s not about the mental load before someone says it is, if particular events matter to you - birthdays, Mother’s Day, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day - then be clear about what will make you happy. Otherwise you’re just setting yourself and your partner up for a shit day. Now, if you’ve done that and they still can’t be bothered you’re right to be upset and complain. But if you haven’t you’re bound to be disappointed.

Is it a thoughtless gesture or is it the straw that breaks the camel’s back? You’ve said you’re coming to the realisation that your relationship is led by you. It’s reasonable if you don’t want to do all the leading in the relationship. Would I break up with a partner for them forgetting our anniversary once? Probably not but if it made me realise there are bigger problems in the relationship then I would probably be considering my next steps.

How long have you been together? Is he thoughtful in other ways?

I adore DH and am not even entirely sure whether our wedding anniversary is in February or March.

I think it's that he knows occasions are important to me. We have been together 15 years and I have communicated it time and time again. He sometimes picks up the slack say when I've forgotten to make DS his sandwich for his packed lunch or will ask if I need anything ironing. It's those times i am so grateful and wonder if him forgetting an important date or never making any plans for us is a big deal.

It was only because my mother used to ask what we were doing for our anniversary, that we marked the occasion. Since she died, I have conscientiously made a point of remembering, I just ask DH if he fancies doing anything, sometimes we do, sometimes not. It doesn't mean our love has diminished.

We struggle with remembering our anniversary since my dad has memory issues/ dementia, as he would always send a card which reminded us. Recently 15 years married and I only remembered the following day. Otherwise happy, so not an issue for us.

I agree with previous poster who asks if it is just that he forgot the anniversary or if it’s that this is the straw that breaks the camels back.

For me personally, forgetting to get a card for an anniversary wouldn’t be a massive deal if everything else in the relationship is good. I do think as well to be fair that it’s so much easier to forget an anniversary when it’s just the day you got together than it is when it’s your wedding anniversary purely because there’s no reminders. A wedding anniversary you have family & friends who send cards in advance, message you about it etc so there’s a prompt to remember because everybody tends to remember the day they attended your wedding whereas when it’s just the date you got together there’s none of those helpful hints. My husband and I have both at times forgot the date we got together but thanks to anniversary cards arriving in advance from family members we haven’t yet forgot our wedding anniversary!

We never do cards / gifts for our wedding anniversary ( never have) and we’ve been married 35 yrs this year . If it wasn’t close to our daughters birthday I doubt we’d remember it at all and we are very happily married .

Is this a wind up? So he basically does fuck all?

Not at all, I'm saying he does some day to day stuff. He just doesn't do a lot which requires a bit more thought or creativity - planning a trip (even just a walk), planning and cooking a meal, marking an occasion etc.

Op only you know .. reading your update it's not the anniversary but other things... anniversary honestly isn't that important but the day to day stuff is...I know dh has my back and there for me....that matters
..

You do his ironing and make him a packed lunch, are you his mother?

I would consider sometimes making your son a sandwich when you’ve forgotten and asking about ironing isn’t something to be grateful for, it’s not even the bare minimum.

If you buy into love languages, then you’re saying he does act of service to show his love for you. I think in long term couples acts of service gets blurred with day to day chores. However, the difference would be for me something that is usually yours that is down to alleviate your load. For example, DP getting up earlier to make DS a sandwich and do his packed lunch because you didn’t sleep well and he’s letting you have an extra 10 minutes in bed would be an act of service. Making DS a sandwich because you forgot and then presumably asked him to make one, isn’t an act of service. It’s the intention behind the action.

@Miserycrumble Sorry I read your update incorrectly.

It doesn’t sound like he does much at all. Eg he will make a sandwich if you forgot. Why isn’t he making it anyway? What does he do that doesn’t require prompting?