Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband messaging work colleague

19 replies

SuzieQk · 06/04/2024 11:49

My husband works in health care and around 6 months ago, a woman joined his team. I noticed that they’re friends on social media, and saw a notification pop up with her name. I’m not proud to admit that I snooped and saw messages dating back to December between the two of them. The messages were not frequent but it looks like they’re becoming more frequent.

There’s nothing sexual in the messages, and they all relate to work issues. However, the tone from her is quite jokey and mildly flirtatious. More recently the messages have been instigated by him, and usually late at night while I’m in bed or settling our DS.

I confronted him and he said that she’s just a work colleague. However, he eventually admitted that they recently went to lunch together (alone).

Aibu to feel uncomfortable by this? He’s always got on with females more than males, but this seems different somehow.

OP posts:
PattyDuckface · 06/04/2024 11:53

Messaging out of work hours is highly unprofessional. Going for lunch, ok if you're at work but arranging something private is not on.

I think you are right to be suspicious. Tell him it's out of order as a husband and as a colleague to this woman. He needs to pack it up.

Bellsandthistle · 06/04/2024 11:56

Ask to go out to lunch all three of you so can meet her, since she’s such a good friend. The fact you felt the need to snoop suggests there are underlying trust issues.

Nmchanger · 06/04/2024 11:59

Messaging out of work hours is highly unprofessional. Going for lunch, ok if you're at work but arranging something private is not on.

Says who?

SeismicSalad · 06/04/2024 11:59

PattyDuckface · 06/04/2024 11:53

Messaging out of work hours is highly unprofessional. Going for lunch, ok if you're at work but arranging something private is not on.

I think you are right to be suspicious. Tell him it's out of order as a husband and as a colleague to this woman. He needs to pack it up.

Huh? Have never become friends with a colleague? I don’t have any problem with my partner having friends.

heathspeedwell · 06/04/2024 12:01

Trust your instincts.

ilovepixie · 06/04/2024 12:01

People do have friends at work. And the OP says her husband gets on better with females. Some men are like that they just like female company.

DiamondArtists · 06/04/2024 12:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

helpwhichcar · 06/04/2024 12:08

The problem I believe is that OP's husband probably wouldn't have told her without her finding out. He's gone to lunch alone with a woman and not mentioned it until now?
I would be very sceptical about him and his intentions.

Original poster
SuzieQk · 06/04/2024 15:18

I shouldn’t have violated his privacy, I know that. But then surely he should have told me that he and another female went for lunch? I would feel odd going for lunch with another male without telling my husband about it. It worries me more that the messages are often late at night. It wouldn’t seem so odd if they were during the day time I guess. She’s attractive and single which doesn’t make me feel great.

OP posts:
applegreentea · 06/04/2024 15:22

I think if you feel something off then something probably is. You said you know he gets on with women usually more but something feels different with this one. I always think trust your gut, I would just be a bit cautious. Might be nothing but it could develop, who knows.
it’s a difficult one but I’ve always been right when I felt something was “off”

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 06/04/2024 15:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Get a fucking grip. He’s messaging another woman behind his wife’s back, waiting until she’s asleep or not around. He’s having secret lunches with this woman. The messages are flirty. They’re not explicit yet, but I suspect he’s working up to that. He’s been caught out.

youlied · 06/04/2024 15:34

This is how my stbxh's affair began.
Messages with a woman before he began prioritising her, her feelings and then he began working later and later whilst changing his personality overnight.
Our what I thought perfect marriage was blown apart to be replaced by being gaslit, abused both physically and verbally. It very nearly broke me snd I mean that!
Trust your instinct, it is always right.
2 years on, i have my own place. Custody of the dogs ( he wanted to keep one! ). I emptied the property (owned by his parents which was in disarray) of f everything I had paid for leaving him with a skanky dining room table only.
Not sure if they're together tbh, don't care, you can't build your happiness on another woman's misery Smile

Original poster
SuzieQk · 06/04/2024 15:37

If the messages are all work related - should I still worry? She tries to veer away from work stuff but he doesn’t. There’s some jokey chat but it’s more that he’s instigated the last few messages

OP posts:
helpwhichcar · 06/04/2024 16:24

I would still worry that he's having secret lunches. He didn't tell you for a reason.

Spaceracers · 06/04/2024 16:43

I wouldn't mind about the lunch or even lunches but it's unnecessary to message outside of work. If you think something is off, then it is probably off

Didimum · 06/04/2024 16:54

No one can give you a definitive answer, but it’d certainly be too close to comfort for me. When you get a vibe you get a vibe.

Despair1 · 19/07/2024 21:22

youlied · 06/04/2024 15:34

This is how my stbxh's affair began.
Messages with a woman before he began prioritising her, her feelings and then he began working later and later whilst changing his personality overnight.
Our what I thought perfect marriage was blown apart to be replaced by being gaslit, abused both physically and verbally. It very nearly broke me snd I mean that!
Trust your instinct, it is always right.
2 years on, i have my own place. Custody of the dogs ( he wanted to keep one! ). I emptied the property (owned by his parents which was in disarray) of f everything I had paid for leaving him with a skanky dining room table only.
Not sure if they're together tbh, don't care, you can't build your happiness on another woman's misery Smile

Brilliant that you have escaped!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/07/2024 21:36

My work colleagues message each other all the time . DP messages work colleagues all the time I don't think I have ever told my partner who I had lunch with and don't think he has ever told me either .

sentfrmmyiphone · 19/07/2024 21:40

my DH has chats with loads of women he either does work with or used to work with.

he currently has 2 work wives.. their messages arrive at any time of day or night, doesn't bother me in the slightest.

he even meets up with them for breakfast every so often.. again i don't care

and the reason i don't care... because he tells me! i know these women, i've been invited too these breakfasts, it does not bother me at all!

its when they start keeping secrets that the trouble begins

New posts on this thread. Refresh page