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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL acting normal towards her son (DH) - or is something going on?

25 replies

GreenAcreFarm22 · 06/04/2024 05:21

My DH and I moved abroad a few years ago for work. DH used to see his mum every few months when we lived back in the UK, and they call each other one a week/message.

My DH has gone back to London this week/end (5 days) for work and arranged to see his DM for dinner. He was really excited to see her and they had planned this a few weeks ago. She lives in the middle of the countryside with her husband (DH stepfather) so it was a bit of a drive, but considering she might not see her son again this year - definitely worth the trip and she does go to the city quite often ( so not impossible).

As soon as he landed, she let him know that she had a headache/sore tummy and would not be coming to the city to meet him for dinner. He is also free this weekend so could see her on another day, and she could not meet on the other days due to some other plans that do not seem important. For context, this is not the first time with the headache/tummy - she gets this issue quite often and I'm skeptical of it.

AIBU to think that if there is a chance you will not see your son for quite some time, you would want to make some effort to see him? He made the effort to fly half way around the world and adores his DM.

My own DM for context would persevere through a medical emergency to make sure she could see me when I came over. I'd do the same for my child too.

OP posts:
Londonnight · 06/04/2024 05:27

My son lives abroad. When he is back in the UK, there is no way I would not want to see him. Obviously unless it is something contagious / infectious. But it doesn't sound as though this is what your mother in law is suffering from.
I would also cancel plans if it meant I could get to see my son in person who I don't see very often.

He needs to ask her straight out what the reasons are for this, and to emphasise that it could be a very long time before he can see her again in person.

Kapalika · 06/04/2024 05:30

Could this be anything to do with him moving abroad and “leaving” her?

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 06/04/2024 05:31

I would wonder if she is covering something? Is she in good health or something has changed? Is she stressed about something? What is the new partner like?

Could he travel to her and surprise her ? Or not enough time?

JurassicFantastic · 06/04/2024 05:31

You could also look at this the other way.

If you rarely see your mother and she is feeling unwell,why would you not travel to see her rather than expecting her to come to you?

Pippa12 · 06/04/2024 05:36

I think if I was your husband I’d cancel my plans and drive over to see my mother. Perhaps it’s nothing, perhaps she’s covering something up. I couldn’t go home without knowing either way tho.

Original poster
GreenAcreFarm22 · 06/04/2024 05:37

@JurassicFantastic He would. Last time this happened where she complained of headache/tummy (we had all met a day prior so felt less upsetting) - he wanted to visit her when she was staying in a hotel in London to say a final goodbye and she would not let him. Reason I'm skeptical, I noticed on her "friends" instagram (young man who she befriended) they were out for dinner/cocktails that night...

OP posts:
Trez1510 · 06/04/2024 05:38

If they are in regular, affectionate contact I'd tend to think she is attempting to hide something - health/domestic violence and I'd urge him to make the trip to see her.

If their contact is perfunctory in nature, then she's just not that into him.

Original poster
GreenAcreFarm22 · 06/04/2024 05:40

@Pippa12 His plans have been pretty much to see his DM. They had planned she was coming up and for him not to vist. Hiring a car was getting too difficult, so thats why it was originally planned this way.

OP posts:
WalkingaroundJardine · 06/04/2024 05:50

Some sort of mental health condition she is not disclosing? Sore tummy and headache are what people with anxiety have. Perhaps she is getting more of that as she gets older and finds it difficult to be open about it.

Meadowfinch · 06/04/2024 05:55

Agree with @Trez1510

That sounds like either she is suffering from something health related that she hasn't disclosed - could be anything. Or could be coercive control on the part of the step father.

I'd want to check on her, regardless of the excuses. Hire a car, pop in for 10 mins on the Saturday morning. Just make sure she's ok. He doesn't need to stay long if she doesn't want him around.

Original poster
GreenAcreFarm22 · 06/04/2024 05:59

Really appreciate all the insight here - think i'm going to advise him to visit ASAP

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 06/04/2024 07:07

This sounds fishy to me . Either that or she is pissed off with him for some reason…
If definitely no falling out …
Has she moved the young man into her home
Is she being fleeced ?

LynetteScavo · 06/04/2024 07:25

He needs to insist he sees her this weekend, even if that means him going to her. He's travelled half the way round the world for work, so hiring a car for a drive or a train and a taxi can't be that much more effort?

BobbyBiscuits · 06/04/2024 07:34

Yeah, the young man she's on Instagram sharing meals and cocktails with...?!
I think she might be being taken advantage of by either this person, her partner or both.
It feels weird she would make these flimsy excuses.

Allwelcone · 06/04/2024 07:35

Is she being taken advantage of by the young man maybe? Or even paying for his services....

FlowerBarrow · 06/04/2024 07:37

Yes I thought if out of character then visible domestic violence, or something else serious she’d want to hide, an illness or something
He could visit her anyway but maybe tell her this?

BCBird · 06/04/2024 07:39

He needs to.go and see her. It's the face that's important, not the venue.

ButterflySkies · 06/04/2024 07:40

Hire a zip car and pop up with some flowers anyway, if it's anxiety/something else going on i wouldnt give too much notice. Either when in the car so he cant then answer/get into a debate about going or on a stop on the way. X

BCBird · 06/04/2024 07:41

He will get chance to.put his mind at rest. Is all well bwn ur husband and step dad? Is it possible his mom.is placating step dad?

Octavia64 · 06/04/2024 07:42

I drop out of events with similar reasons - I'm severely disabled and if I'm very ill with my disability it's what I tell people.

I'd be concerned in his shoes and want to check on her.

ColleenDonaghy · 06/04/2024 08:27

Based on the previous cancellation I'm wondering if she can't face the goodbye at the end of the evening?

Lastglass · 06/04/2024 09:52

I have family who are like this. We both moved away from our childhood homes.
DHs family are far away in the UK. We've taken various holidays nearby where they live, with the specific aim to see family. But when we get there, they are always quite busy and we seem to have to push to organise seeing them more than once in a week. They don't see to get we are entirely doing that holiday to see them! My sibling lives abroad and the same thing happens then too.
My parents live nearer us now. But are often too under the weather for us to see them. Oddly fine for the rest of their social life plus shopping trips + days out.
It is hurtful and confusing family are like this, we just never seem to be their priority.
I have come to the conclusion its part of what happens when you choose to move away. Others get left behind and feel that because you moved, you have to put in the effort to come back. It seems to become out of sight, out of mind. When we moved away, they filled their life with things they enjoy and my guess is they got so used to us not being there, it doesn't seem to occur to them to drop things for our visit. I guess we don't ask either. I feel that DH, our kids + me have become de-prioritised in their lives. They don't make the effort to travel to visit us. I realised that they may say its because they are too busy, but its more they have filled their lives with other activities and aren't bothered to make the effort.
Also I think its attitudes. We are more independent, self reliant people, as shown by us moving away. I wonder if there is underlying hurt or rejection from this or if somehow we just give off a vibe.
I don't fully get it but I have learnt to live with it.

On the phone family may talk about how its a shame we never see them, but overtime I have realised its a hollow sentiment they won't act on. And I've had to accept that either we do all the running or we don't see them. I also ensure our holidays near them also involve something treat for us, as well as just visiting family. By having a planned activity, like a theme park / zoo, you get less bitter and it feels less like we ended up spending £1.5k and a week of holiday time for just 4hrs of their company.

Having said that, this repeating vague excuse could be something minor but reoccuring that makes it difficult to interact, like migraines or ibs. You don't want to travel or even see family when embarrassed to be in and out of the toilet every 10 minutes. Perhaps your husband should ask more about it. He may find he only gets the real story if he speaks to his stepdad directly. Both DH and I usually speak to our mums on the phone. Both DM and MIL had separate minor embarrassing health issues they were downplaying. We both finally learnt the truth when for a rare change, DF/FIL answered the phone + let things slip.

Nicebloomers · 06/04/2024 10:39

Did she take the move abroad personally? If so I’d wonder if she was trying to punish him? It’s all very odd though.

Ahwig · 06/04/2024 11:12

My son ( who is an adult) was getting a bravery award with his work. It was a big deal and a big ceremony. He was only allowed to take 4 guests which were his son, partner, me and my ex husband. My ex and I get on really well but I've been married to someone else for 25 years. My son felt bad that my husband ( his step dad) couldn't come but my husband absolutely understood. On the day itself my ex husband phoned our son to say he couldn't come, his hemorrhoids were playing up. Luckily my son phoned my husband immediately and he was able to come. We had a fabulous day and I was a very proud mother, but having had hemorrhoids myself ( and yes I know they can be uncomfortable) there is no way on this earth I would have missed it, he could have stood up for starters. Mind you this is a man who will say he has a severe chill on his kidneys when other people just call it a cold 😀

User1979289 · 06/04/2024 11:16

DM does this - it is a 'test' - do you really want to see her or was it just convenient.

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