NC with MIL and issues with DH

[Mamasperspective]

I want to preface this by saying DH is an amazing dad and he loves our children.

I've had more issues than I can count with MIL who has an enmeshed relationship with her son DH, and dislikes her own daughter (presumably because she sees her as competition for attention). MIL will embrace DH for TOO long when she sees him (trust me when I say it's awkward) and I think she looks to him for the affection that her and her SFIL don't have. It's super creepy.

After a series of awful behaviour DH agreed our son and daughter can be NC with MIL as well as me (I was prepared to leave my marriage over the fact) but worry than in future he will back track because MIL is manipulative and will want him to take our children over on occasions such as birthdays or Christmas. If this happens, I think we will end up getting divorced as there have been too many arguments and too much has happened where he would not stand up to her. For context one issue was that my son has a dairy allergy, she fed him dairy because she didn't take it seriously and he ended up in the emergency room. She's not safe.

AIBU to think that DH is going to let me down and not stick to his word? It's affecting how I feel about him. Even now I am in the spare room as I am losing my connection with him.

Not necessarily.

My SIL had the same issues - down to the dairy allergy.

Her husband has supported her.

Ultimately, if you want your marriage then you need to make a conscious choice to trust him.

You cant make such an ultimatum and then live in paranoia...You either choose to trust him or you don't.

Preventing your MIL having any relationship with her grandchildren is an extreme step to take but you say you have many reasons. I suppose the only reason I mention this is because I wonder if there is any possibility of you relenting and allowing any relationship (within certain parameters/sage guards)?

Are there other issues in your marriage? Sounds like couples counselling might help you both.

Well , if you do end up getting divorced over it , he will get parenting visits where he will take them to her anyway .

hmmm. I haven’t seen my MIL in almost 10 years as she behaved in an extremely damaging way and, is, in short, a toxic, horrible person. DH agreed her behaviour was unacceptable and essentially cut contact down to the bare minimum.

This was entirely his choice, but over the years that followed their fraught relationship has been very hard for my DH. He has tried to build bridges with her (god knows why) only to have it rebuffed, it’s been quite heartbreaking to witness.

Whilst I wouldn’t dream of standing in his way, it does feel difficult that he’s persistently attempting to repair a relationship with someone who was extremely cruel to me in the past. Almost like a betrayal to be honest, but I try to let that shit go…

It has affected our marriage in all honesty because he gets down about it, and takes his low mood out on me, which I’m coming to the end of my tolerance for. He can’t seem to move past her not being the mother he wants her to be. He should go to therapy but doesn’t.

If you divorce he could take DC to his mums and nothing you could do about it

He’s Not ready to go NC yet - you can divorce for any reason and it sounds like you have lost trust and now have the ick

I don't think it's fair to expect, force or ultimatum a spouse to go NC with a parent, family member etc.

In your situation it is completely reasonable to not leave the dc alone with MIL since she isn't safe in relation to allergies. That's very clear.

But that doesn't make it fair to let that either get in the way of your marriage or mean she can't have a relationship with her son (or even her grandchildren - she 'just' can't be alone with them). Children shouldn't be weapons to use against people or to punish them with.

“[I] worry than in future he will back track because MIL is manipulative and will want him to take our children over on occasions such as birthdays or Christmas.”

What is actually causing you to worry? You say MIL is manipulative, but if you trust your husband, that wouldn’t factor.

So has your husband actually given you any reason to worry about this? Are there signs he’s wavering? Did he agree it only reluctantly?

Because on the face of it, from what you’ve written, you look unreasonable as you haven’t given a valid reason for your reaction, but I suspect if you think hard, you might be able to explain the real reason you are worrying.

There are, however, sometimes people who catastrophize and assume the worst, and the result is they end up breaking the relationship because they end up pushing the other person away with their lack of ability to trust. If you can’t come up with any genuine reason for doubting your husband, then maybe that’s what you’re doing.

So, why are you really worrying?

You should go to counselling with him and work on setting boundaries

Re kids. My two didn’t see their grandparents for a few years following the initial fallout - they would do a call on Xmas day but that was about it.

As time has gone on, kids are old enough to understand that they are difficult people and that I don’t have a relationship with them. I keep this breezy and factual and it’s fine.

A few years ago FIL became quite unwell and this accelerated DH’s need to try to repair the relationship with his parents. The kids have now visited with DH on a couple of occasions- never overnight, and I’ve said if there is any toxic behaviour or negative crap said about me, kids won’t continue to visit!

I can’t lie, I don’t exactly ‘like’ them going and pretending to be happy families after all the awful history - but I just take a deep breath and step back from it. Hopefully you will be able to do that in time also…