To think my partner needs to speak up

[Anon171880]

Basically I have children from previous relationship and son with partner. He has a son from a previous relationship who's almost 11.

He wanted his son to live with us but his ex has said 'over her dead body' but she rarely has him. He basically does live with us and she sees him maybe a couple of days every few weeks if that. She gets all the benefits for him still and I just don't think that's right when she doesn't even have her child. She said she works three days a week but picks up extra hours, we don't even know when, we just don't hear from her.
AIBU to think we should be getting the money for him and my partner needs to grow some balls?

Yep!

@cheeseandketchupsandwich yep I ABU?

if you have the child more payments should be minimal. And yes she should be paying you just as you’d pay her an amount based on how much she had the child.

do a calculation online to see what should be paid based on the time you have the child. She probably says no to full time because she knows she’d be loosing money

No, you are not being U.

What benefits does she get?

Your partner can apply to have the child benefit claim transferred to him. It takes time and she can object so can he evidence he has the child the majority of the time?

This is the passport benefit and without that she won't be able to claim other benefits related to the child.

This is the nuclear option and will likely cause a lot of trouble. It could also impact her housing etc.

@Notsureaboutittoday @waftabout I think she gets universal credit and pretty much all the help she can benefits wise.

School, social services all know he's here pretty much all the time. I don't want to seem like it's all about money but my partner is out of work atm too and we have an extra mouth to feed but yet she's getting everything for him and we are struggling. My partner has mentioned him living with ith he but she is not let that happen. She's an embarrassment of a mother TBH. We could have left the country with him and she wouldn't even know.

Put all of the crappy thoughts about her to one side. Think of the bairn, tell bloke to ring the child benefit office and start there.

Once he gets that, he can go forward.

Tbh you can't really say she's motivated by money when your bloke doesn't work either. Really time to put the calling her all sorts to bed.

@gamerchick it's not crappy thoughts though, this is all relevant and I don't want to go into all the detail but he didn't want to live with his mum. She has failed him on so many levels but refuses to let him live with us yet he basically does, just not on paper.
I have always tried to keep the peace but let's just say she isn't the nicest of women and I've heard her talking horrible about my kids to her son too but I have still tried to keep things mature and do things properly.

As for my partner not working there are reasons for him not working which I am not willing to go into as that's not what this is about but he is grieving right now. I am not suggesting she is money orientated either, as I said in my post, she rarely has her son and he practically lives with us but we don't receive any money for him. So of course why am I not going to wonder where the money she receives for him goes, when I know he's barely with her.

Given what you say then your husband should get any benefits for him and he should go on the child support calculator to work out fairly what he should give her if anything. That poor boy having a mother like that. be warned though. Nothing will make her more angry than losing her benefits.

@determinedtomakethiswork yes it's horrible for him the way she is. And this is one of the reasons we wanted him to live with us, because he needs stability and routine and love.

I wouldn't be surprised if she suddenly wanted him back if you started getting child benefit for him etc

I suggest mediation.