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Original poster

Why is my partner pushing me away?

31 replies

Monster616 · 05/04/2024 14:16

For context my girlfriend has a history of anxiety and depression but recently I feel like she’s trying really hard to push me away.
She says she really wants everything to work and that she loves me, so I can’t understand why she’s doing this.

I don’t feel as close to her as I used to.

I’m starting to feel like I can’t be natural in our relationship. Everything I say has to be corrected or questioned. One example is, she apologised for calling me at a bad time and I said “it’s fine”. Apparently I used to always say I wanted to talk to her and that I love it. She can’t understand that these terms are interchangeable. “It’s fine” means exactly the same thing.
I then said I like speaking to her, of course I do, and she said “not love?!”

I feel I can’t talk to her about things. She takes everything the wrong way and gets upset.

A lot of the time, the conversation turns into her. I’ll be trying to talk about my day and she’ll end up ranting about hers.

She encourages me to go out with my friends, but when I do so, she then says she’s upset and feels I don’t want to spend time with her.

She asked if I was going to text her today, I said “I have a lot to do, a lot to get done”. She then attacked me for not giving a straight answer and I should have directly said “I don’t know”.

Also, I can’t do anything right. If I don’t text her when out with friends, I don’t love her anymore. If I am a bit quiet, I’m going off her.

The last few days she’s been extremely snappy, everything has been a nitpick or correcting me.

I love her to bits she has so many other amazing qualities which is why I want this to work. But it’s starting to pull us apart and I feel so distant from her.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 05/04/2024 14:19

She encourages me to go out with my friends, but when I do so, she then says she’s upset and feels I don’t want to spend time with her

She's setting you up to fail so she can complain about it. Is this really the kind of relationship you want to be in long term? It sounds exhausting and you'll forever be trying to explain yourself to her.

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:19

So she's depressed and anxious and you're upset that she's talking about her feelings rather than listening to you talking about yourself?
How are you trying to support her?

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 14:22

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:19

So she's depressed and anxious and you're upset that she's talking about her feelings rather than listening to you talking about yourself?
How are you trying to support her?

😅 what a predictable and ridiculous response.

She might have anxiety and depression but she doesn't get to monopolise every conversation with her thoughts and feelings.

Her partner is allowed to talk about his day - good and bad - without her using it as an opportunity to talk about herself.

The relationship is supposed to be mutually beneficial and supportive to both of them. Not just her.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 14:24

I love her to bits she has so many other amazing qualities which is why I want this to work. But it’s starting to pull us apart and I feel so distant from her.

Have you told her this?

Have you told her how you feel?

How does she respond when you do because, really, that lies at the heart of whether this relationship can work or not. However much you might want it too.

Hesterbester · 05/04/2024 14:24

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:19

So she's depressed and anxious and you're upset that she's talking about her feelings rather than listening to you talking about yourself?
How are you trying to support her?

Ridiculous response.

And he said "history of anxiety and depression" not that she is currently.

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:26

It's not ridiculous, they are supposed to be a couple, not competing over who talks about themselves the most. He's getting fed up of her talking about herself, yet he's expecting her to listen to him do the same thing?

GalileoHumpkins · 05/04/2024 14:27

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:26

It's not ridiculous, they are supposed to be a couple, not competing over who talks about themselves the most. He's getting fed up of her talking about herself, yet he's expecting her to listen to him do the same thing?

That's not what he said at all.

meganorks · 05/04/2024 14:28

I think you might need to talk to her (not when your in the middle of an argument about something already) and point out some of the things you've said here to see if you can get to the bottom of it. It sounds like she might be feeling very insecure about your relationship and so she is constantly trying to 'test' you. Except that is likely to have the opposite outcome and drive you away. Or she just likes to moan and complain about things!

Personally I would find this unpleasant and exhausting and unless she can address her behaviour I would be walking away. It will only get worse. My FIL could never do anything right. He did absolutely everything for my MIL and nothing was ever good enough. I really feel like he wasted his life trying to please an unpleasable woman.

Hesterbester · 05/04/2024 14:29

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:26

It's not ridiculous, they are supposed to be a couple, not competing over who talks about themselves the most. He's getting fed up of her talking about herself, yet he's expecting her to listen to him do the same thing?

Nope, not what he said in the slightest.

Go back to the OP. You clearly didn't read it before leaping in.

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:33

Well I certainly read the part that said:

A lot of the time, the conversation turns into her. I’ll be trying to talk about my day and she’ll end up ranting about hers.

Why can't he just talk to her about her day too? If they are having a conversation, then it's a two-way thing.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 14:35

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:26

It's not ridiculous, they are supposed to be a couple, not competing over who talks about themselves the most. He's getting fed up of her talking about herself, yet he's expecting her to listen to him do the same thing?

Yeah, that's not what s/he said.

Butchyrestingface · 05/04/2024 14:36

Run, rabbit, run.

Tell your girlfriend you are freeing her so she can sign up for her true calling - as an MI5 interrogator.

Original poster
Monster616 · 05/04/2024 14:37

I have spoken to her about it a few times now, and if I do, she gets very upset and says she didn’t know. But then nothing changes.

She’s going through a lot at the moment and I try my best to be there for her, but it’s hard when everything you do is analysed, pushed down and not good enough. I feel like she rips me apart. I know she doesn’t mean to, she’s very insecure and anxious

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 14:37

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:33

Well I certainly read the part that said:

A lot of the time, the conversation turns into her. I’ll be trying to talk about my day and she’ll end up ranting about hers.

Why can't he just talk to her about her day too? If they are having a conversation, then it's a two-way thing.

Because a conversation allows both people to have their say.

You have taken this one line from the OP completely out of context.

If she is allowed to talk about her day then surely the op is too?

kalokagathos · 05/04/2024 14:38

What a draining person!

CraftyBum · 05/04/2024 14:39

I couldn't be with someone like this. My life would feel like it's being slowly drained out of me. If she's refusing to listen there's only so much you can try!

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/04/2024 14:41

I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that. Whatever you do it's going to be wrong. That is abusive.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 14:41

Monster616 · 05/04/2024 14:37

I have spoken to her about it a few times now, and if I do, she gets very upset and says she didn’t know. But then nothing changes.

She’s going through a lot at the moment and I try my best to be there for her, but it’s hard when everything you do is analysed, pushed down and not good enough. I feel like she rips me apart. I know she doesn’t mean to, she’s very insecure and anxious

She might not intend for her actions to have the impact on you that they do but they do have that impact.

Employing some posiitve self talk and CBT strategies like STOPP will help her not to catastrophise but this is something she will need to look into and undertake herself. It's not something you can do for her.

Google STOPP CBT and it will throw up some resources that might be a good place to start.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 14:43

But, ultimately, unless she takes some responsibility for it, then the relationship will become untenable.

It's already happening.

HeadsShouldersTitsandArse · 05/04/2024 14:45

What steps is she taking to manage her anxiety and depression? Because I bet my husband could have wrote this 6 months ago. My anxiety and depression was becoming worse and by me trying to just tough it and and act normal I’d say things that I don’t mean, or tell my husband to do things that would make me seem like I’m ok when I’m not.

It’s not fair on you. It wasn’t until I started therapy again that I realised what I was doing and how it affected my husband.

Mental health is super tough, and it’s about the only thing that creates argument in our relationship. We manage it a lot better together now I’m in therapy and can put into words how I’m actually feeling and we have a much better relationship now.

She’s pushing you away to try and convince herself she doesn’t need to depend on you to help herself. In my opinion..

Thinkonmadam · 05/04/2024 14:53

HeadsShouldersTitsandArse · 05/04/2024 14:45

What steps is she taking to manage her anxiety and depression? Because I bet my husband could have wrote this 6 months ago. My anxiety and depression was becoming worse and by me trying to just tough it and and act normal I’d say things that I don’t mean, or tell my husband to do things that would make me seem like I’m ok when I’m not.

It’s not fair on you. It wasn’t until I started therapy again that I realised what I was doing and how it affected my husband.

Mental health is super tough, and it’s about the only thing that creates argument in our relationship. We manage it a lot better together now I’m in therapy and can put into words how I’m actually feeling and we have a much better relationship now.

She’s pushing you away to try and convince herself she doesn’t need to depend on you to help herself. In my opinion..

This.

is she medicated? Does she need to change meds/dose.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 14:54

She encourages me to go out with my friends, but when I do so, she then says she’s upset and feels I don’t want to spend time with her

I actually wonder if she does this because when you're there and together and she's feeling OK, she actually does get that it's reasonable and normal to do that and she wants you to enjoy yourself and see your friends.

But the reality for her is that, once you are out with them, her thinking goes into overdrive, and her brain tells her all kinds of lies about you and the relationship.

I have a history of trauma and that is exactly what I happens too me on occasion. The difference is that I know it's my brain getting it wrong and so I talk myself down from it. I wouldn't expect anyone else to have to reassure me or accuse them of things because that's abusive.

Original poster
Monster616 · 05/04/2024 14:55

She is medicated, sertraline 50mg. She has been taking it for I’d say about a month but she said she doesn’t feel any different so has an appointment to up it.
She is also in therapy but only 3 sessions in so far.

I can she she’s really trying and it’s really hard for her, but it doesn’t change what’s happening

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 14:56

Getting her meds right is the first step. It's positive that she's on the case with those

Stickysusan · 05/04/2024 14:59

artfuldodgerjack · 05/04/2024 14:26

It's not ridiculous, they are supposed to be a couple, not competing over who talks about themselves the most. He's getting fed up of her talking about herself, yet he's expecting her to listen to him do the same thing?

Interesting how you have twisted that. (S)He hasn’t said anything of the sort and I don’t know how you can make that leap.

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