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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to end my relationship

9 replies

OneFluentOwl · 05/04/2024 13:14

We're both 31 and have been dating for a year and a half. I do love him but I just don't think this relationship is good for me.

Good parts of my relationship:

  • He takes accountability whenever he messes up. There's always a promise to improve and then I see effort.
  • Amazing chemistry physical and emotional
  • Similar values and outlook in life
  • I love spending time with him
Reasons I feel like it isn't working:
  • He says he is committed and wants us to move in together, but just renewed his lease at his current place for another year as he was offered a good rate.
  • He lies about stupid things like having cooked when he actually ordered food or being on ever so slightly less salary than he initially told me. I don't think he's cheating but I feel like he's capable of deceit and I can't trust him.
  • He has debt and is trying to sort it out. It means that we don't do much over the weekends.
  • We see each other half of the week but he wants even less of that. He says he's stressed and needs his alone time.
  • His family is wild. Very toxic and he's aware. He does nothing to protect himself or me when we do interact (not often) because they help him out financially. Although he'd still lack boundaries I reckon if they didn't.
I know that I don't need to justify if I want to break up, but my friends and family think I'm being unreasonable. They think everyone will have flaws and overall his positives outweigh the negatives. I have a history of anxiety and depression, so I wanted to check if I'm sort of self sabotaging or whether the things I mention above would be a deal breaker for others also.
OP posts:
IfIwasrude · 05/04/2024 13:16

Bad news.

MILTOBE · 05/04/2024 13:16

What has it got to do with your friends and family who you are dating? They're not the ones having to put up with that crap.

There's someone much better out there for you, OP. His family alone would be a huge reason for me to run a mile and that won't ever change.

skippy67 · 05/04/2024 13:22

Well he can't help how his family are...
Him renewing his lease is a bit disappointing though. Could you move him with him maybe? The other stuff is minor to me, but if it's not to you, then you should probably end it.

JollyJanuary · 05/04/2024 13:27

Don't move in with this debt-ridden liar who won't defend you to his toxic family. I really don't think you do have the same values. I'd have a think about why your family want you to to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy because the good outweighs the bad (according to them). Are you not worth more than this?

Magpiesalute · 05/04/2024 13:31

You can’t trust him. That’s what jumped out at me. You need trust in a relationship.

Haveyouanyjam · 05/04/2024 13:46

This is not someone you want to be tied to for the rest of your life, let alone have children with (if you want children). Don’t settle, you’ll regret it in the long run. You can’t trust him, he’s bad with money, he’s flaky in terms of his commitment and he has a heap of baggage. One of those alone may not be a deal breaker (aside from the trust) but together they absolutely are.

Keepingongoing · 05/04/2024 16:28

He’s says he’s committed to living together but just renewed his single lease. He wants to spend less time with you than he already does. He’s a bit deceitful. His family are terrible and he doesn’t stand up for himself, or you. He’s in debt.

He really doesn’t sound like much of a catch. And, maybe he’s not that into you in terms of a long term relationship. I know you say that the chemistry is great but in my experience, having once tried to have a relationship with someone who couldn’t commit, the chemistry is great because he can’t commit. It’s very seductive.

If your best friend was in this relationship instead of you, what would you advise her to do?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/04/2024 16:36

Well he can't help how his family are...

That won't stop his family from affecting the OP's life and the lives of any potential dc they might have if they stay together though. I'd have to be super 100% sure about a partner (and their boundaries with their family) to even vaguely consider staying with them long-term if they had a toxic family.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 05/04/2024 16:38

Imo never get mixed up with bat shit family... And you will if you stay with him...

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