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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I ask my ex again if he is seeing our son tomorrow?? Help please

15 replies

userzH · 05/04/2024 12:17

Ex has been inconsistent with contact for our 5 year old son for 7 months - seeing him for a few weeks then nothing for a 5/6/7 currently on 9 weeks of no contact.

I have a solicitor and getting legal aid.

Ex contacted me again to ask if he could see ds. My solicitor advised short frequent visits to build up contact. I emailed ex with 3 hours every Saturday - the first date being tomorrow. I said to ex if he could keep to this then we can build up to every Saturday. I told him we would facetime also to help re build contact - we have FaceTimed him twice this week.

Ex has not replied to my email which I sent 10 days ago.

I emailed ex again on Easter Sunday to ask if he could confirm these dates. He has not responded though we have FaceTimed twice since. Ex ended both FaceTimes with 'speak to you soon' - no inclination that he was going to see ds. Nothing was mentioned. This hasn't helped as ds is asking when he is seeing daddy and I'm still not able to give him an answer.

My solicitor has suggested I could possibly email him again to say he needs to confirm by 5pm this evening as to whether he is going to see ds however I don't have too. This makes me feel uncomfortable to do this.

Thoughts? Shall I just leave it?

I'm worried he may just turn up however handover for ds never takes place at my house so he won't come here but he could turn up at my mums which as she is a 3rd party and we do the handovers at her house.

My mum says just leave it and see what he does .

This is my little boys life, I just am struggling to cope today.

OP posts:

waftabout · 05/04/2024 12:18

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Does your son know he might see dad tomorrow?

I'd email with the deadline and if he doesn't respond, make other plans. You don't want a child waiting for dad to maybe show up.

Sirzy · 05/04/2024 12:22

I would just send him a message to say you will be with your son at your mums at 10am (or whatever) and will have his things ready.

don’t mention anything to your son incase he doesn’t turn up.

Original poster

userzH · 05/04/2024 12:24

waftabout · 05/04/2024 12:18

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Does your son know he might see dad tomorrow?

I'd email with the deadline and if he doesn't respond, make other plans. You don't want a child waiting for dad to maybe show up.

Sorry I should have mentioned this part - no my son isn't aware he may see his dad tomorrow. He hasn't seen his dad since the end of January.

I just can't handle the abuse I might get back from him. I just feel very fragile right now. He has emailed me about maintenance this week calling me jealous and bitter. He has only just started paying maintenance and has arrears so he's had a letter from CMS threatening court. Apparently this is all my fault. I just can't handle the response I might get.

But no - ds definitely won't be waiting for his dad in the morning. 100% not.

OP posts:

TwirlyWhirlie · 05/04/2024 12:26

Sirzy · 05/04/2024 12:22

I would just send him a message to say you will be with your son at your mums at 10am (or whatever) and will have his things ready.

don’t mention anything to your son incase he doesn’t turn up.

Don’t do this. You need to be the one in control here. Take the advice you’ve been given and say that if he doesn’t respond by 5pm then you will be making other arrangements this weekend but he can see DS another time. Then you can tell DS that he’s not seeing dad and you can let him know what you’ll be doing this weekend without him being all excited this weekend thinking the visit might be happening. I’ve been through all this and it’s horrible.

waftabout · 05/04/2024 12:31

@userzH I totally understand that fear and reluctance to rock the boat. But, actually not holding boundaries means that he thinks he can continue dicking you both around unchallenged.

Original poster

userzH · 05/04/2024 12:31

@TwirlyWhirlie thank you, I feel sick to my stomach and really just need a good cry but I can't do that.

If my ex does see ds tomorrow, it will be absolutely horrible. How he can just try control us so much is beyond me. He is more bothered about making my life hell than he is ds.

I will send the email - I do think I need to follow what my solicitor says. I doubt it will ever go to court but I need to make sure I have given ex all the chances just incase.

OP posts:

Original poster

userzH · 05/04/2024 12:39

I've sent the email. I feel so upset, this is really affecting me now.

If he doesn't reply then I will probably have to get my solicitor to deal with it all.

I don't know how to hand my son over to a person who really doesn't seem to care about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

userzH · 05/04/2024 16:45

He's emailed me back. He's going to pick him up. Why it's taken him 10 days and 3 emails to confirm I have no idea.....well I do. It's control.

No doubt he would have just turned up or emailed me last minute to confirm. My solicitor was right.

OP posts:

AnicecupofBordeaux · 05/04/2024 16:59

Well done OP! Really feel for you.

Original poster

userzH · 05/04/2024 17:40

AnicecupofBordeaux · 05/04/2024 16:59

Well done OP! Really feel for you.

Thank you - I just need to learn to trust my gut. I now know that he was clearly always planning on having ds but was leaving it until the very last moment just to cause me we much stress as possible.

I feel I can't win. The more I have firmer boundaries, the more angry it makes him. I just want him to bugger off and leave us alone - selfish but life is easier when none of us have any contact with him.

OP posts:

TheCatterall · 05/04/2024 17:56

Next time state that plans need to be confirmed x days in advance at this early stage to ensure you can let child know of the plans and get him prepped for a change in routine.

if plans are not confirmed x days in advance then they won’t be happening.

Take control. Set boundaries.

I used to use a UIHO method with business clients and roll it over into personal life - ‘Unless I Hear Otherwise’…

so unless I hear otherwise by X date I will presume y is happening - or unless I hear otherwise by 5pm Tuesday I will presume you are giving permission/want me to etc.

Original poster

userzH · 05/04/2024 18:55

TheCatterall · 05/04/2024 17:56

Next time state that plans need to be confirmed x days in advance at this early stage to ensure you can let child know of the plans and get him prepped for a change in routine.

if plans are not confirmed x days in advance then they won’t be happening.

Take control. Set boundaries.

I used to use a UIHO method with business clients and roll it over into personal life - ‘Unless I Hear Otherwise’…

so unless I hear otherwise by X date I will presume y is happening - or unless I hear otherwise by 5pm Tuesday I will presume you are giving permission/want me to etc.

This is good advice thank you. I will use that going forwards.

I know if I asked about the next visits in April, my email will get ignored so I can use 'unless I hear otherwise' going forwards.

Thank you

OP posts:

TheCatterall · 05/04/2024 20:45

Massive squishes and good luck with it all. It’s so hard trying to handle a coparentimg relationship with someone like this.

I like to think of them as a child that needs very clear and enforced boundaries, routine etc. I mean they obviously can’t adequately adult so what else can I think of them.. ;)

Original poster

userzH · 05/04/2024 21:21

TheCatterall · 05/04/2024 20:45

Massive squishes and good luck with it all. It’s so hard trying to handle a coparentimg relationship with someone like this.

I like to think of them as a child that needs very clear and enforced boundaries, routine etc. I mean they obviously can’t adequately adult so what else can I think of them.. ;)

Oh yes that's very true. Towards the end of our marriage he tried therapy and was told his inner child is constantly having tantrums. 7 months later and these flippin tantrums of his are worse than ever....towards me anyway being the villain in his story.

It's going to be a rocky road, he already has an older son who has chosen not to see his dad anymore. I hope my son doesn't have to make the same choice but I'll be there all the way.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/04/2024 21:30

Just tell your ex when DS is available for contact and if he doesn't turn up within 10 minutes of the offered time you'll be going out/leaving.

Asking him to confirm etc just increases communication. Start using one of the court approved co-parenting Apps too instead of email or text.

Flip