Funeral /Special occasion attire

[1981Thisman]

So yesterday I attended a funeral which took place in a church, then the burial and wake in a nice community centre for refreshments.
I was just shocked that a few attendees came to pay their respects in jeans trainers and club wear.

I get the whole " inviting a person and not their clothes " but I found it very disrespectful.

Comfort and cost of living is not an accuse. You can pick up smart items from sites like vinted for very little cost or just turn up in work wear as I'm sure it would be much smarter.

It's not just yesterday though I've witnessed this . Weddings, Christmas parties with sit down meals etc where the hosts has paid a lot of money for nice venues, food, photographers etc only for people to make no effort.

I personally wouldn't wear that. Was a dress code specified? Was the deceased very casual/sporty, might people have thought it was appropriate? To be honest, I wouldn't get wound up about it. They turned up, that's the main thing. The 'rules' do seem to be rapidly changing when it comes to this.

A few years ago someone in my running club died and the club asked the family if people should wear club kit to attend the funeral and they said they preferred normal smart attire so we wore that. But other times people don't mind club kit.

Also nothing wrong with jeans if clean and smart. Remember some people don't go to a funeral from one year to the next (or one decade to the next) so they don't need smart clothes and aren't going to go out and buy them for one event. Not sure I'd wear jeans to a wedding but that is a bit different.

Comfort and cost of living is not an accuse. You can pick up smart items from sites like vinted for very little cost or just turn up in work wear as I'm sure it would be much smarter

It's a reason, not an excuse. I don't have a Vinted account and won't create one for one purchase, and I don't need smart clothes for work, I wear jeans! In the summer I have linen trousers so could wear those for a summer funeral (and have).

Weddings are different, I do think people should make an effort. Funerals I’m a bit more relaxed about, I’d rather people attend that worry about what to wear. That said, I always dress smartly - I’ve been wearing the same funeral outfit for a couple of decades!

I don't know what an 'accuse' is regarding the cost of living, but surely, that people turned up, is the most important thing? It demonstrates that the deceased is loved, missed, and thought of.

Personally, I agree with you!

I find it disrespectful to turn up to a formal function such a wedding or funeral in jeans, trainers or such casual attire!

Yes I've seen every type of outfit at funerals. I'm in Ireland so people probably do attend funerals more often but yes sometimes it's ultra casual.

You’re entitled to be annoyed at someone’s funeral attire if you were the one who organised the funeral, or the person who did organise it was upset by people wearing jeans.

Otherwise, it’s not really your business. If the immediate family were OK with it, that’s all that matters.

Funerals also mean different things to different people and there are different cultural conventions. In some communities you’ll see the entire street turn out for every funeral and follow the hearse to the church on foot in their normal clothes, for instance.

My uncle’s granddaughters were tweens/young teens when he died in the early 2000s and they all wore jeans and black velour hoodies to his funeral. That isn’t what I personally would have put them in if they were my kids but ultimately it was my cousin’s dad who had died, and if he was happy with his kids dressed that way then it’s all good. And I know that my uncle wouldn’t have given a damn what his beloved granddaughters wore to see him off!

I think it depends on the jeans really. My aunt died in Jan and 14yr old DS wore very dark black jeans, but with a white long sleeved school shirt and black tie. He looked perfectly smart. I wouldn't have put him in blue or more grey than black, jeans. Having said that, there were only 5 of us there, including me, DH, DS and DD and I arranged it, so my choice really!

So until recently I would have agreed with you. And indeed, I'd never be that casual at a funeral myself. However, when my father died, I didn't notice, or even care what people wore. They could have turned up in a bin liner. My dad was a stickler for tradition and being 'proper' which was widely known, but honestly, all that mattered to me in that moment was that people were there.

If you were the one who organised the funeral or specified a dress code then you absolutely wouldn't be unreasonable to be annoyed about it. Otherwise, it's none of your business.

My DH wore black jeans to my dad's funeral. He doesn't wear smart clothes for work and had never been to a funeral before. He wasn't going to buy a whole new outfit that he'd never wear again and I didn't expect him to either. He was there, that was all that mattered.

I tend to agree, though pp are right that it's not worth getting upset about.

At my aunt's funeral last year, I noted that all the women were really smartly dressed; it was some men who turned up in jeans and the like.

I find it very sad that instead of seeing the person's presence as supportive and respectful of the deceased family and friends, you see it as an opportunity to judge on appearance.

I fail to see how the choice of clothes, during a persons day, remember most will be returning to their jobs or other obligations, is a reflection on someone's respect for the dead.

We held our mothers funeral a few weeks ago, we wore bright colours like she asked. Family and friends did the same, it spanned formal to sports casual.The idea that someone would judge is actually sickening.

If you equate respect with outward appearance then I feel sadly that you really don't understand what respect is.

I wore black jeans and DMs to my dad's funeral. And a bright red jacket. He knew who I am.

I have literally no memory of what anyone wore to that funeral. I was mired in grief and all that mattered was that people came and told me that they cared.

I don't remember much about my close family members funeral other than who didn't turn up. However I remember commenting on a few people looking lovely and telling them..felt like the person we were 'celebrating' would have appreciated the effort...that probably makes no sense but that's grief for you..nothing makes sense does it

I wore a black shift dress to my dad's funeral but had a cream coat over it. I'd bought the coat a few years previously in a vintage shop. It was wool and cashmere and when my dad saw me in it he said how fabulous I looked in it and that I should wear it all of the time and not " save it for best" . He was not overly generous with compliments so the fact that he noticed and remarked on it meant he really liked it. I spoke to my mum and asked her if she thought it would be ok if I wore to the funeral. She smiled and said of course dad would have loved it. So all was good ........ except for my aunt, (who was mum's sister not dads) who complained loudly and insistently how disrespectful I was being. She just wouldn't let it go. My dad was a popular guy and there were something like 120 people at his funeral. It got embarrassing at the finish but I stuck to my decision albeit telling some of the mourners why I was wearing it. Dad would have loved me in it and would definitely have told her about herself .

I’ve been wearing the same funeral outfit for a couple of decades!

Me too, I bought a black dress for my mums funeral and I’ve worn it to every funeral since. If I hadn’t, I’d wear something in darker tones and would dress smartly. For me it’s a mark of respect, assuming the family haven’t asked people to wear bright colours etc.

What other people feel is appropriate is none of my business though, much better they feel able to come than they stay away for lack of a smart outfit.

I think like you - but I think it's an age thing. They're there. They care. That's the thing to focus on.

Besides being rude, your aunt was a bit ignorant. Shades of white/ivory/cream have been traditional alternative to black mourning colours for a long time. Queen Fabiola of Belgium wore off-white to her husband's funeral. The late Queen Mother famously wore white for a state visit to France right after her mother died when she was in mourning. All of Dutch Queen Juliana's daughters, including Queen Beatrix, wore white/cream to her funeral.

I went to a young person's funeral recently. Young men who had jobs requiring a suit, wore that, others had done their best with their usual going out clothes, smart jeans and a dark shirt. Lots of the women were in a LBD that I would call clubbing gear. I think they'd just worn the 'nicest' black thing they owned. Which is fine.

Thank you for your views.

Just to add ... smart attire was requested and if attendees chose to, they were requested to wear a football strip to the reception.

I just personally think standards have dropped.

I agree with you op. A member of DHs family came to my dad's funeral in a blue checked shirt (no tie) and a baseball cap. I thought it pretty disrespectful to be honest and would rather he hadn't bothered since he seemed more dressed for a day at the shops!

For my dads funeral, we specified "something bright and cheerful". Dad was absolutely not a "black suit" kind of guy. Myself for instance, I wore a pink duffel coat and a smart flowery dress. Colourful but conservative.
Almost everyone wore something similar, and almost all the men were in suits, but paired with a coloured shirt or jazzy tie.

But then one old university friend rocked up like he'd just tumbled in from his farm! Dirty old jeans, checked shirt and a grubby bodywarmer over the top. He's notoriously scruffy, and has been all the years my parents have known him.

Mum just shrugged and rolled her eyes. Personally, I think it's more important that people are there, than what they're wearing.