To be assertive with a friend

[citygirl1961]

A close friend of mine can be quite cutting with her remarks at times. I used to put up with it and say nothing but now I'm feeling stronger and don't want to put up with it now.

We talk on Messenger most nights and Wednesday night she asked what I'd had for tea and I told her jacket potato and beans. She told me that's not a proper meal with exclamation marks. I replied to remind her that she only had toast for tea the other week and put a lol as a joke and she replied with exclamation marks that it was only once and she eats properly the rest of the time.

I also mentioned in conversation that I'm out for a meal with friends this week and one of them wanted to go to a Lebanese restaurant but I don't like that food and I don't want to pay for a meal I can't eat to which they agreed and we're now going to an Italian restaurant that suits us all. So my friend replied saying she can see I've got my own way again. I was upset by this but just said that my friends had agreed with my point of view. I am always falling in with what others want so this time I said what I want for a change.

I've not heard from her since, despite sending her two more friendly messages that show she has seen them.

I was telling a colleague at work yesterday who knows her as she used to work with us and she said I did right to be assertive with her and said a friend shouldn't talk to me like that.

But later on, and what's upset me more is that another mutual friend whom I'm very close to and see often told me I know what this friend is like so I need to bite my tongue and if she falls out with me it's my own fault. What he has said has upset me more.

Should I have kept my mouth shut. This friend is a good laugh and we do get on but it's not the first time she's made cutting remarks.

Saying “you got your own way again” is very OTT. It doesn’t really sound like you even said anything that bad. Tbh it sounds like she’s just needling you. Don’t message again, she’s being weird.

Side nite: Lebanese food is pretty varied and EPIC so worth another try.

Your 'friend' is really rude. I'd be quite disappointed though if you refused to go to a Lebanese restaurant and made everyone go to boring Italian. I'm willing to bet you haven't tried most Lebanese food and have just decided you 'don't like it'.

Your second mutual friend is wrong. If rude/outspoken friend is allowed to be rude/outspoken as that's 'just how she is' then the same rules should apply to you. You're allowed to answer back and say jacket potato and beans is a perfectly fine meal, and you had toast the other day, because that's 'just how you are'. You might want to exercise that assertiveness again and point out the hypocrisy to mutual friend.

Context is everything.

To me, what she said to you is not really 'cutting' or derogatory

I think it's telling that you put a lot of weight onto what others say - make up your own bloody mind.

Sounds like this friend has her faults but is ultimately a good person to be around. We all have our foibles. You need to decide whether you can put up with them or not or call them out.

Sorry but this is trivial af there’s no seriousness to any of the comments really to be assertive lol from the headline I was expecting fireworks but no toast and jacket spuds? even the “got your own way again” comment maybe she was being sarcastic? How old are you all roughly? Just curious.

I think perhaps you’re just not compatible personalities. My friends and I rib each other all the time. We’ve known each other for a million years. Last time there was a WhatsApp convo about food we all ended up laughing about each other’s dinners and to us it’s affectionate.

Yes, make up your own mind about this friend! And honestly, are we down to text exchanges about what you ate for dinner now? This doesn’t sound like fun.

Take her silence as an opportunity for space and back off. She's unlikely to change.

But Lebanese food is quite literally the best food on the planet
/misses point

Don’t like Lebanese food so made everyone go to a different restaurant? I would not put up with that. There must have been something, chicken kebab is inoffensive.

I don’t think your friend has been ‘cutting’, she’s allowed to say stuff to you, she’s a friend, I’d expect similar from my mates.

You're way over thinking all of this.

What's wrong with Lebanese food?

Any hoo, all sounds a bit childish if you ask me but if your friend makes you feel unhappy, are they really a friend?

I haven't made everyone go to a different restaurant. This other friend booked it without asking anyone else. I did offer not to go if they still wanted to go there.

I think it's rude to not consult others and just book where you want to go, unless it's a birthday which it isn't.