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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why so many men simply refuse to accept their part in the downfall of a relationship?

23 replies

razz · 05/04/2024 08:44

To my ex husband......if you treat me like I am a piece of furniture, withdraw affection and take me for granted when i have done eveything for you and the kids for 20 years...I am going to leave you to find peace. I do not and did not have an affair...I didn't need to, you provided me with more than enough reasons to leave. But why can't you accept that?

To my last bf.....For 6 months you sent me dozens of texts every day, called me every day, showed me care and concern and the sex was incredible.....if after I tell you I love you you keep calling and texting everyday, it doesn't matter how many times you said you don't want it to be more....your actions will make my heart believe there is a chance. Yet you say you have been honest about your intentions so I am being unreasonable to feel hurt and used!

So I ask you ladies, wtaf! Is it too much to ask for someone's actions to match their words? For someone to look at the outcome and accept their part in it?

My heart is breaking and I feel like every man I have met recently wants me to believe the problem is me...I accept my part, I see my impefections clearly but why can't they?

Are all men like this? I need hope that maybe some day I will meet a man who understands the part their actions and words play and that you can't just do or say any old shit you want without taking some responsibility for the outcome.

So if you have found one tell me your story please....I need to hang on to some hope today.

OP posts:
Original poster
razz · 05/04/2024 10:46

So no hope out there then!? Bugger....not what I was hoping to find out😥

OP posts:
Jovacknockowitch · 05/04/2024 10:48

Ladies?

pointythings · 05/04/2024 10:50

Scenario 2 is 100% you. That man told you he didn't want more than FWB and you couldn't handle it. Scenario 1 is on your XH.

Life isn't black and white. Also most of us on MN aren't ladies. We're vipers. 😂

DearSilverGirl · 05/04/2024 10:50

These sound like two completely different situations.

Mayorq · 05/04/2024 10:52

I mean you've posted 2 scenarios where you're accepting no responsibility for the breakdown of the relationships so it's kind of a score draw between the sexes on that front.

CroftonWillow · 05/04/2024 10:53

All men are like this I'm afraid. You're doomed.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 05/04/2024 10:56

Well 1 could be your ex husband. But sorry 2 is on you he did nothing wrong .he liked you you had great sex but you fell in love when he was honest sorry but not his fault

bottomsup12 · 05/04/2024 10:57

number 2 is you. Why does he have to get into a loving relationship with you just because he enjoys your company and body? When he specifically told you no. Maybe he doesn't believe in monogamy? Maybe he doesn't want it with you and doesn't want to be tied down? Why can't you accept that

turnips4u · 05/04/2024 11:00

it doesn't matter how many times you said you don't want it to be more

Of course it matters- he was honest with you. If you chose not to listen to it thats 100% on you. Noone owes you a relationship but they do owe you honesty which he gave you. If you chose to ignore it thats your fault.

TinyYellow · 05/04/2024 11:03

Why do you need them to accept their part in it? You have no control over that and it doesn’t matter what’s in their heads after you’ve separated anyway.

Focus on your own acceptance and the things you can control.

Priminister · 05/04/2024 11:05

YABU for posting an unanswerable question in AIBU.

Sapphire387 · 05/04/2024 11:10

I'm sorry, OP. Not all men are like this. But too many are.

Original poster
razz · 05/04/2024 11:12

Easier to reply to all than each poster!

I didn't give specific details as I didn't want to bore people. But I do accept my part in the breakdown of the marriage....i didn't communicate my needs properly and allowed myself to be taken for granted....that's on me.
With the boyfriend....yep I fell in love despite what I was told...again on me. But my heartbreak here was that I told him this early on and broke it off because I didn't want to get deeper into something that wouldnt be the future I would have loved to have had.....he kept calling, texting and telling me how.much he cared and had feelings for me, sending me cute gifts. Was I unreasonable to believe those words and actions? Probably but surely he has to accept that those words and actions meant something? Yes he told me at the start it wouldn't be more than it was but his subsequent actions spoke differently.

I accept the that relationship is over...I actively ended it and blocked him so he can't message to tell me he misses me again but it doesn't make it hurt less.

However, the point of my post wasn't to get reactions to my situations but to hear stories of love and joy...I know they are out there so I wanted to hear about them as much so I can learn from them tbh.

Unfortunately Mumsnet doesn't seem to embrace stories of positivity or joy though does it so I should have know better.

Oh and apologies to those who took issue with me directing this at 'ladies'..I was looking at the issue from my perspective and hoping to hear stories I could relate directly to.

OP posts:
MissUnicorn · 05/04/2024 11:12

I was always told to watch a man's actions instead of his words because men can lie.
That did me well until I met a man who was like your scenario number 2.
His words said maybe but his actions said forever. I decided to believe his actions until I had proof that he cheated. He pleaded innocence when I confronted him because he had told me it wasn't forever.

My lesson from that is words and actions have to align. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not a nice lesson to learn.

To answer your question, some men do, but it takes a while. I recently dated a divorced man who was able to admit 2 years after the divorce that he was the problem.

Original poster
razz · 05/04/2024 11:15

MissUnicorn · 05/04/2024 11:12

I was always told to watch a man's actions instead of his words because men can lie.
That did me well until I met a man who was like your scenario number 2.
His words said maybe but his actions said forever. I decided to believe his actions until I had proof that he cheated. He pleaded innocence when I confronted him because he had told me it wasn't forever.

My lesson from that is words and actions have to align. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not a nice lesson to learn.

To answer your question, some men do, but it takes a while. I recently dated a divorced man who was able to admit 2 years after the divorce that he was the problem.

Thanks for this. It's very good advice and something I will definitely be mindful of going forward.😘

OP posts:
KitKatChunki · 05/04/2024 11:16

Yes, most men are like this. It is why I think parents really need to focus on making boys accept consequences of their actions as much as we do with girls. Girls like to study psychology, I believe, largely to try to figure out our own past and men in general. As a subject it is very female heavy because we are curious, like to understand the why behind situations and have an innate need to prepare for future bad situations - see flags etc. Men have developed into a state of complacency and are not at all interested in the why's of anyone else because their world revolves around them. Therefore if someone has an issue with their bad behaviour, the issue lies with their victim.

Original poster
razz · 05/04/2024 11:19

TinyYellow · 05/04/2024 11:03

Why do you need them to accept their part in it? You have no control over that and it doesn’t matter what’s in their heads after you’ve separated anyway.

Focus on your own acceptance and the things you can control.

You are absolutely right.

I spose I am hurting, overthinking and wondering whether I can trust my own feelings and reactions any more. It takes time I guess🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 05/04/2024 11:23

I know it's a cliché, but you really do have to find happiness in yourself before you can find it with another person. That means being 100% content with your own company and life - and only allowing a person in who is in with both feet, in both word and deed.

MissUnicorn · 05/04/2024 11:24

razz · 05/04/2024 11:15

Thanks for this. It's very good advice and something I will definitely be mindful of going forward.😘

Show quote history

I won't lie, it reduces your dating pool!
However, the men I've met have been lovely.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 05/04/2024 11:26

Words and actions have to align is a super important lesson in relationships. I've had 2 on the bounce that didn't align.

neilyoungismyhero · 05/04/2024 11:30

Well I get it. Talk about mixed signals. There's something odd about his actually nasty behaviour in my opinion. Kept reeling you back to keep you sweet. You're better off without him. Not all men are like this.

MissUnicorn · 05/04/2024 11:33

KitKatChunki · 05/04/2024 11:16

Yes, most men are like this. It is why I think parents really need to focus on making boys accept consequences of their actions as much as we do with girls. Girls like to study psychology, I believe, largely to try to figure out our own past and men in general. As a subject it is very female heavy because we are curious, like to understand the why behind situations and have an innate need to prepare for future bad situations - see flags etc. Men have developed into a state of complacency and are not at all interested in the why's of anyone else because their world revolves around them. Therefore if someone has an issue with their bad behaviour, the issue lies with their victim.

To add to this, I think as well in relationships women were sold the "happy ever after" trope, while men were sold the "ball and chain" trope and so men expect to be miserable in their relationship and expect their partner to put up with it.
I think the TikTok peeps call it "a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness".

That divorced guy I was dating said he knew his ex was miserable, but not enough to leave! He was convinced that she was cheating but then realised (over a year later with therapy) that she was just tired of his shit.

KitKatChunki · 05/04/2024 11:42

MissUnicorn · 05/04/2024 11:33

To add to this, I think as well in relationships women were sold the "happy ever after" trope, while men were sold the "ball and chain" trope and so men expect to be miserable in their relationship and expect their partner to put up with it.
I think the TikTok peeps call it "a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness".

That divorced guy I was dating said he knew his ex was miserable, but not enough to leave! He was convinced that she was cheating but then realised (over a year later with therapy) that she was just tired of his shit.

Show quote history

I was going to say Miss Unicorn, he sounded like a Unicorn himself! It is so rare to meet a man who has had therapy, has recognised their own bad behaviour and will admit it! I've advised female friends to ask about why the last relationship broke down in the first few dates, so they can see the depth of reflection and make an instant character assessment on things like honesty, reliability, growth mindset and resilience. Most men will be coy and say something along the lines of my ex was 'mental' etc. It is indeed a unicorn who will own even half of the issues that happened. Most men don't reflect at all so never grow.

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