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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it normal for pre-school teacher's to dictate friendships

4 replies

Zippy84 · 04/04/2024 22:49

My dd, aged 3, has recently started a new pre-school two days per week.

I am unhappy with several things, but something I find particularly concerning is the pre-school teacher trying to choose who plays with who. A little context, my child was naturally forming a friendship with another little girl who she was getting on well with. As parents we were relieved as its a new school and she has struggled to adjust. It was commented on at handing over by the teacher that she was 'discouraging' the friendship as that little girl is a year behind and won't be starting reception with my dd. She will be in pre-school another year once my daughter has moved up. So she has been trying to form a friendship between my daughter and another little girl, who by the teachers own admission is a 'bolshy and pushy child' , but and I quote 'your daughter holds her own with her'.

My daughter has often been upset the night before school, and is telling us she doesn't want to go. And I feel awful that she is being told who to play with, and that she is having to 'stand up to' another loud pushy child who she would not naturally be drawn towards. My daughter has told me that she tries to go and find her other friend, and the teacher takes her hand and walks her back to the other girl (the one she doesn't really want to play with). AIBU to feel that this is a bad approach on behalf of the school? My daughter is finding it hard to settle which I have discussed with them, so why would they make it any harder on her? My daughters confidence is being knocked. I can see she is struggling and I am becoming increasing annoyed by the teachers approach. This with other things, lack of communication with us, making my daughter finish her lunch on her own and not play outside as she is taking too long to eat, not passing on that my daughter is sometimes crying at school ect. There is more but this is becoming long and ranty.

I already know that we are going to pull her out of the school and not return after easter but just curious to see what other parents think regarding the forced friendships.

OP posts:
ThisNiftyMintCat · 04/04/2024 22:52

That is so weird wtf good for you for getting her out. How does she have this much spare time to be carrying out social engineering experiments on children?

Zippy84 · 04/04/2024 22:58

ThisNiftyMintCat · 04/04/2024 22:52

That is so weird wtf good for you for getting her out. How does she have this much spare time to be carrying out social engineering experiments on children?

I know right! I've been scratching my head wondering if this is normal. Intuition says it's not. It could be very damaging to be forced into a 'friendship' with someone who you do not gel with, or worse someone who you feel a little unsafe around. I am worried for her mental well being and Im not putting her through it for another second. I think it's appalling frankly.

OP posts:
Crispsandcola · 04/04/2024 22:59

I think this teacher is seriously overstepping her bounds here - surely she knows that children make new friends at infant school anyway? Further, I would be concerned that she is using your daughter to help with a child who displays challenging behaviour. Forcing a child to sit alone and miss out on a fun activity as a punishment designed to force them to rush their food is not acceptable. I think you are right to pull your DD out.

sleekcat · 04/04/2024 23:06

This is not at all normal. I have worked in some nurseries and preschools and never seen this happening. The only time I have seen children encouraged to play with others is when they clash and wind each other up.

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