to NOT suck up to my relative

[PomPomDahlia27]

There's has been a long standing family rift between my parents and mum's family lasting about 30 years so consequently I had almost no contact with that side of the family.

Now things have thawed and everyone has decided to make up and move on. Good for them, but frankly it doesn't make much difference to me. Those people are pretty much strangers to me and I'm not fussed now in my 50s about re-establishing family ties.

But now X has now become close again to my mum and is planning to leave everything to mum and me as they have nobody else.

If it happens that's amazing as this person is extremely wealthy, but tbh who knows what the future holds and I'm not thinking about it.

The problem is, mum is now pushing hard for me to make an effort, call X regularly, visit them, take my kids to visit etc because we are all she has got but also I’m sure to try and ensure we are put in the will.

I don't want to do it. I think it's nasty and vulgar to suddenly make a fuss of this person because there might be money at the end of it.

As far as X being lonely, well I have some sympathy towards them for that but I don't feel any responsibility for someone I have met about 10 times in my life and played no role in my entire adult life.

AIBU to just have minimal contact and refuse to suck up to X?

I refused to suck up to such a relative.. She left her Worldly Goods and her house to her carer. As was her choice.. No amount of £££ would have changed my choice to stay away.
Your dm can do as she wishes. As can you. Tell dm just that.

Not a chance

I’d be kind to a person out of kindness.
I wouldn’t be kind to a person for profit - my conscience would follow me forever.

Being kind, generous and friendly isn’t “sucking up”.

There’s a place in between hostility and “sucking up”. Could you try and find somewhere on that continuum that you’re comfortable with?

You say you feel sorry for them as they’re lonely and have no one but then say that’s not your responsibility.

Rather confusing.

Don’t pander to them if you don’t want to but if you’d like to be kind to a relative and maybe kindle a relationship then would it really hurt to visit or contact them occasionally?

We have coincided at a couple of things recently and had a lovely chat. We also exchanged birthday phone calls and have sent each other a few messages too.

I'm not hostile or avoiding this person at all but also there is no particular reason for me to suddenly go out of my way to be in their life. There are other lonely distant members of my family, neighbours, family friends who I don't feel responsibility for and X is the same. Mum isn't nagging me to make the effort with anyone else.

Who is X to your DM for example is a close relative or a distant cousin. Maybe your DM is regretting her part in the rift and trying to make amends.

If you actually like this person, and have the time, then would it really be wrong to keep in touch with them OP? You don't have to do it for what you might, or might not get out of it, but simply because the person is lonely and is a relative who you seem to get on with. If you met 'X' and they weren't a relative, and you didn't know that they had money they were planning to leave to you and your Mum, would you be kind to them then? If so, then I don't see any reason not to make a little effort to be kind now, after all surely we make new friends throughout our lives, some older, some younger, some richer, some poorer. My thought is, if you like her, do it and just forget any possibility of inheritance, after all, you could always give it away to a good cause if you don't feel you've 'earned it', for want of a better expression.

She is technically a distant cousin of my mum
but they were brought up like sisters during their teenage years and are the same age. They were extremely close until the big row. Mum is very happy things have been smoothed over!

She seems nice enough and is pleasant company, I have nothing against her at all. But actually I'm not interested in new friends or connections at the moment for various reasons. My life is full and complex and this feels like something I'd be putting on my to do list out of obligation rather than genuine interest.

I think the inheritance has muddied the waters terribly. If that wasn't in the equation I might diarise to give her a call every so often just for the sake of it but now it feels like there's a hidden agenda which I don't want to pursue at all. Maybe I'm just being oversensitive.