to feel exhausted and numb.

sleeptight1 · 2024-04-04T13:54:39+00:00

I was with my parents yesterday both in their 70's. My mum had been feelig sick and had a headache so was in her bed. I went to ask her if she wanted a cup of tree and she wasn't breathing.I called 999 and they told me to perform CPR which I kept going for 20 minutes until they came. They used defib oxygen, adrenelin but they couldn't start her heart. She has a number of health conditions but this was still very unexpected. I slept for about 50 minutes last night according to my fitbit and have been trying for the last hour to get to sleep but the events of yesterday keep going round and round in my mind. I am exhausted but I just can't shut my brain off. I loved my Mum, she was so kind and funny.I am going to miss her so much. I'm fortunate that I've not had any significant losses before but really worried about how I am going to cope with the grief. I've suffered with depression before and don't want to end up in a bad way. Any experiences to share.

W0tnow · 04/04/2024 14:57

How traumatic for you. 😢

I’m so sorry. You will cope. You will be sad. My advice is to wallow in the sadness for a bit. Really, really feel it. You’re supposed to be sad. She was your mum and you loved her. Depression and grief are not the same thing.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 04/04/2024 15:01

I am so sorry op 💐

It will all be feeling very surreal at the moment.

You might find periods of time where you're absolutely fine, because your brain hasn't processed it yet, and then other times where its all you can think about.

I always think the time between the death of a loved one and their funeral is the oddest time of all, you're still doing things for them, planning a funeral and flowers and thinking about music etc, so ime it's just after the funeral that it really hits home.

There are lots of charities where you can get support, and it might be an idea to check in with your gp, if you feel like you need some support to sleep.

At the minute just take things an hour at a time, don't try and put on a brave face and alow yourself to feel your feelings.

This is a path that, unfortunately, lasts a lifetime, so don't pressure yourself, just take your grieving at a pace that you're comfortable with, you will get to wherever your new 'normal' is when you're ready.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 04/04/2024 15:01

I’m so sorry, how traumatic for you and your dad. At least you were with her, and you did your absolute best to help. Perhaps she knew, which would have been a great comfort.
If you hadn’t been there, you would probably also ( but unfairly ) regret it.
It is in the right order of things that we lose our parents, it is better than the other way round. I wish you peace.

FlakyPanda · 04/04/2024 15:08

What a heartbreaking shock for you, I am so sorry 💐
Not entirely similar experience to share but I held my lovely, kind grandad’s hand as he died in a hospice some years ago, his death was not a shock but the aggressiveness of the cancer that took him was a horrible shock. He was like a father to me. We had plans to have a last, amazing holiday and never managed it, he got sick and died too soon.
I still miss him and have a cry over photos and memories. I have also had depression but his death did not trigger it. Do you have family and loved ones around you? Xx

NoSquirrels · 04/04/2024 15:17

I’m so sorry

I worried how I’d cope after my mum died (she was ill for a while) but whilst I was grieving very hard, and only muddling through at times, and didn’t feel like myself for a long time, I did cope. You’ll find comfort in purpose, probably, and for me that was trying to support my dad. Be gentle with yourself. You’ve had a huge shock.

UndecidedAboutEverything · 04/04/2024 15:21

My dm died suddenly and unexpectedly, although in her case spent a few days in a coma prior to her inevitable death. I remember having to come home to dh and kids and explain I’d had to ride an ambulance to hospital and i would need to go back and stay until she didn’t need me any more.

It felt unreal and I was absolutely exhausted. The grief was overwhelming tbh. I still miss her every day, but as the months pass the grief becomes less acute - you learn to live with it.

How is your dad taking it?

Mischance · 04/04/2024 15:23

I am sorry to hear this - it must have been such a shock for you. Please make sure you give time for yourself; time to process this and be sad.

Mammma91 · 04/04/2024 15:26

I’m so sorry OP. Sending so much love. If you can’t sleep, please try to rest. A hot drink and a rest in a quiet room. You don’t have to gather your thoughts and feelings now, just try to get through the day whilst you’re still in shock. Have you eaten anything since the discovery? Try even a wee biscuit with your cup of tea if you can manage.

BlondeFool · 04/04/2024 15:27

I'm so sorry. You must be in total shock. Be kind to yourself 💐

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 04/04/2024 15:29

I’m so sorry for your loss x I lost my mum just before Christmas 2022. She was in her late 70’s, copd but wasn’t on oxygen, very independent and active around the house. She caught the flu, had to go to hospital where she deteriorated and passed away a day later. It was a huge huge shock. I was on my own holding her hand when she went and had to let family know. It was such a surreal experience and shocked me so much that my body just stopped working properly in the days and weeks afterwards I had a nasty gum infection, eye infections and couldn’t sleep. My dr prescribed some short term tablets which helped. The things that helped me cope with the initial grief and shock was to sleep, talk it out with friends/family, eat as well as you can, get outside in the fresh air and take warm baths. I found that being comfy and warm helped my body soothe itself.
Take lots of time off work and be with family and or friends. Let yourself cry and express the emotion.
i found that the pain doesn’t go away but it gets easier to live with. In the early days I read a lot of articles on the Cruse bereavement charity website which helped, there’s a free helpline too I believe. You will get through this, the practical stuff like the funeral will have to be planned and worked out, presumably you have other family members involved?
lots of love xx

RecycleMeNow · 04/04/2024 15:30

What a shock. Your life has suddenly changed overnight. I am so sorry. Wishing strength to you and your family x

Concannon88 · 04/04/2024 15:31

@sleeptight1 I am so sorry for your loss and by the sounds of it she went peacefully.

About ten years ago we had a litter of kittens die and my daughter was devastated and I said to my friend I can't believe my daughter is having to deal with this and my friend said to me in some ways its a helpful lesson as it helps children learn to griev and know how to deal with it later in life and I agree with that, now I have experienced my own losses, there's no pain like it. So sorry.

Original poster

sleeptight1 · 04/04/2024 15:32

UndecidedAboutEverything · 04/04/2024 15:21

My dm died suddenly and unexpectedly, although in her case spent a few days in a coma prior to her inevitable death. I remember having to come home to dh and kids and explain I’d had to ride an ambulance to hospital and i would need to go back and stay until she didn’t need me any more.

It felt unreal and I was absolutely exhausted. The grief was overwhelming tbh. I still miss her every day, but as the months pass the grief becomes less acute - you learn to live with it.

How is your dad taking it?

My poor dad is coping but devastated. They have been together since they were 16 and he he is 73 and she was 72. I have never seen him cry in all my life until yesterday it was utterly heartbreaking. He took over from me with the CPR while I let the parademics in. I just keep reliving it.

Thank you for sharing your experience with your DM.

OP posts:

Original poster

sleeptight1 · 04/04/2024 15:41

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 04/04/2024 15:29

I’m so sorry for your loss x I lost my mum just before Christmas 2022. She was in her late 70’s, copd but wasn’t on oxygen, very independent and active around the house. She caught the flu, had to go to hospital where she deteriorated and passed away a day later. It was a huge huge shock. I was on my own holding her hand when she went and had to let family know. It was such a surreal experience and shocked me so much that my body just stopped working properly in the days and weeks afterwards I had a nasty gum infection, eye infections and couldn’t sleep. My dr prescribed some short term tablets which helped. The things that helped me cope with the initial grief and shock was to sleep, talk it out with friends/family, eat as well as you can, get outside in the fresh air and take warm baths. I found that being comfy and warm helped my body soothe itself.
Take lots of time off work and be with family and or friends. Let yourself cry and express the emotion.
i found that the pain doesn’t go away but it gets easier to live with. In the early days I read a lot of articles on the Cruse bereavement charity website which helped, there’s a free helpline too I believe. You will get through this, the practical stuff like the funeral will have to be planned and worked out, presumably you have other family members involved?
lots of love xx

Thank you for sharing your experience with your Mum and your advice.It must have been a terrible shock. I have my husband and my two children. My children were there at the time age 12 and 16 so worried about them too. I will look at the Cruse website and try to eat. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday lunchtime before it happened. I tried to eat a piece of toast but it was like cotton wool in my mouth. I will try again.

OP posts:

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/04/2024 15:45

I am so sorry op. sending you the biggest hugs, just take one day at a time. Xxx

Ahappymediumlarge · 04/04/2024 15:49

How awful OP, I’m so very sorry.

Do contact your GP as soon as you can, they can refer you to bereavement counselling.

betterangels · 04/04/2024 15:50

How heartbreaking and traumatic. I'm so sorry. One day - one minute - at a time.

Keepingongoing · 04/04/2024 16:13

So sorry OP, that is a very shocking and traumatic bereavement.

Exhaustion and numbness are completely normal. My dear nephew (we were very close) died 2 years ago having been in perfect health up to 6 days before. It was a very fast and lethal kind of leukaemia but I just couldn’t take it in. I felt frozen and numb for a long time and thought that the numbness must mean that I didn’t really care about him. Have read some things recently about a trauma response, which means that you freeze and feel totally exhausted because your brain is overwhelmed by what’s happened.

As others have suggested, gentle self care. Do things that connect you with your mum. I found comfort in having conversations in my head with my nephew, imagining what he’d say. Try to eat even if it’s just a biscuit dipped in a cup of tea. Go on the Cruse website when you feel ready, they know their stuff about bereavement. You can refer yourself for support from them.

Hugs x

Whalewatching · 04/04/2024 16:18

You poor, poor pet @sleeptight1 I’m so sorry, that is all so traumatic. There’s no dodging grief, this is the way it goes. I felt anguished then numb, then (irrationally) quietly angry with anyone who still had their parents, sad then finally accepting. It’s a journey and you won’t get to accepting it all overnight. It takes time.

So just be kind to yourself and talk about your lovely mum as much as you need to. It can help in getting your head straight 💐

hellsBells246 · 04/04/2024 18:48

I'm so, so sorry to hear this. You did all you could for your mum. You might find counselling helpful, in time.

Remember that it's totally normal to feel sad; it's not depression, it's a normal human reaction to loss.

Be kind to yourself. Sending you big hugs. 💐