To dislike my BIL

[northchesterforest]

I would really appreciate some advice on how I can start to get along better with my BIL or at least let him get to me less.

We got along really well until about 3 years ago, when his personality shifted and he become quite right wing. We essentially have opposing views on every topic imaginable, from diet, to gender etc. he is very vocal with his opinions, and whilst I generally prefer to avoid confrontation, I can't sit back and let him say some of the outrageous things he does, particularly about women, disability etc.
he always thinks he is the most intelligent person in the room and is very argumentative.

It's clear that I'm his worst idea of a woman, and he is my worst idea of a man, which is probably why it's a good thing I'm with his brother lol

My DH agrees he is a nightmare but loves him and prefers to keep the peace, even when he is being difficult. I really do my best to play along but I find it hard to sit back when I can see that he is upsetting DH.

The rest of the family all agree he is difficult but allow him to rule the roost. When we are all together he decides where we go, what we do, what we eat etc. even if it's at the detriment to other people. He is so forceful they just accept it and roll their eyes and laugh along and say 'it's just what he is like'.
He works full time but earns less than his siblings so conveniently forgets to pay for dinner or contribute to family holidays.

My biggest issue is that he seems to have a particular distaste for DH and will go out of his way to always make sure he gets the raw end of the deal. DH is the middle child but younger than BIL, and further ahead in life goals and has lots of friends. BIL has 0 zero (yes... 0), is behind of his life goals (which we always try and make him feel better about), but has recently got a new girlfriend who we do all really like. He is quite controlling with her though IMO and she has changed a lot about her life, such as her job, to accommodate his life.

I'm feeling a bit fed up, but I do think there is a way back to a good relationship if he was more reasonable, but I don't think he is going to change. Shall I just put up and shut up? Encourage my DH to be more vocal and stand up more? It's so delicate as the family all pander round him so much. I have siblings and we would never treat each other so spitefully.

Any advice would be appreciated!

It's clear that I'm his worst idea of a woman, and he is my worst idea of a man

A lot of romance novels start this way 🤣

Easy. Don't go on holiday with him, don't go for meals with him.

He is behind on his life goals 😂😂😂

He sounds like a bit of an arse but like you say, your with his brother not him so just do what everyone else does, roll your eyes when he says something stupid and just change the subject.

and avoid him at every point

The first part of your OP really resonated with me about my BIL. But I am lucky enough not to have the second part where he's a controlling dick to the rest of the family.

Re the first part, I largely just ignore him. Which often does require me to get up and walk out of the room - so when he says this shit is when I'm off to load the dishwasher or popping to the bathroom or checking on the kids or whatever.

Re the family stuff, that is harder. Can you just say, "no, we can't eat at Jimmy's because I really really can't face more shellfish. How about Steak5Us this week?".

BIL is not mean, as such, to DH, but DH does take on a lot of stuff to sort of cover for him. I try to support Dh and let him know that I am 100% on his side, but otherwise I stay out of it. So, for example, BIL wouldn't remember one of our DC's birthdays if his life depended on it. The entire family is used to covering for him. So when this year I heard DH calling BIL on the day and then putting him on on the phone to DD so that DD wasn't upset, I rolled my eyes but didn't say a word. what's the point? DH is struggling enough as it is with it, so me reminding him how ridiculous it is won't help.

Also, I've completely stopped being proactive. I'm so tired of having him over to my house, initiating things etc and never so much as getting a thank you or a box of chocolates and obviously, no reciprocation in any form. SO I don't do it. If DH wants to see him, fine, he's welcome to go and see him or even invite him back here. I'll even cook for him when he's here. But I'm not making that effort.

I found cooking as a subject. BIL and I are the same but we talk about black garlic and Maillard reactions and copper pans and are fine.

I wouldn't go on holidays with him if it was 1000 a night overwater bungalows with concierge service.

The rest of the family all agree he is difficult but allow him to rule the roost. When we are all together he decides where we go, what we do, what we eat etc. even if it's at the detriment to other people. He is so forceful they just accept it and roll their eyes and laugh along and say 'it's just what he is like'.

Stop condoning his behaviour through your presence. Stop playing along with your blinkered in-laws. Have enough courage in your convictions to refuse to spend your precious time with a fucking horrible person. If your husband wants to sully his own life by having a relationship with such a terrible person, he's more than free to. You, on the other hand, should absolutely refuse to have a toxic, bullying, hateful misogynist in your life.

The "oh, but he's family" bullshit is just a weak excuse to gloss over deplorable behaviour.

I couldn't be invested in getting back to having a good relationship with this man at all. I wouldn't be avoiding confrontation with him over his dickhead opinions either so that ship would be sailing the minute he expressed them in front of me. I'd simply be avoiding occasions where he was present wherever possible, even if that meant absenting myself from family events. I couldn't really respect family members who allow him to rule the roost and dominate, anyway. Just wouldn't want to be around any of them.

I'd also be pointing out to my partner that his brother is bullying him and while obv I understand that's a hard dynamic to untangle yourself from, I'd be supporting him all the way in that.

I could have written this post OP. My own BIL is very similar. Doesn't have the right wing views but everything is about him.

I also tried to get my husband to stand up to him but he just won't.

The final straw was when he started to critisize my son. I think it was a way to have a dig at my husband.

I haven't seen him and his wife since Christmas (which is another looong story!)

I tried not letting him get to me but was so hard. I now feel so much at peace not putting up with his awful behaviour and disrespect.

Children hardly see him either (late teens) his loss.

I agree word for word. I’d argue till the cows come home with someone like this if I had to spend time with him.

Don’t know why you spend time with him if he’s such a right wing pita. Let your DH go out with him, but I don’t see why you have to. If you do, definitely call him out on where you eat/how he’s paying. Not your problem that he’s ‘behind on his life goals’. I mean, don’t choose the Ivy if he’s broke, but no way would he be choosing the restaurant every time. I’d happily dig in my heels.

Just don't go anywhere where you are aware that he is going to be. No need for you to go out for meals or on holidays with him.

The only way I dealt with this type of BIL was to just let him rant on and ignore him. He sounds bloody awful OP.
You are never likely to get along with him as you wish. At least you probably don't have to put up with him too often.

Also, try not to rise to his goading, because that's what it is. Live your own life with your own values and don't give him any ammunition. X

He is quite controlling with her though IMO and she has changed a lot about her life, such as her job, to accommodate his life

that feels like a huge red flag. What has she changed and from/to what job?

In your shoes I would go very low contact. I couldn't sit back and say nothing while someone made offensive ablesist or sextet comments in front of me, nor would I put up with someone being deliberately unkind to my DH. So for me it would be a choice between avoiding the person or having an argument every time we saw each other, and life is too short to argue with dickheads. I would tell DH that I understand he is in a difficult position and that I had no wish to prevent him from spending time with his DB, but that I would not be going on holiday with him or seeing him any more than was absolutely necessary.

Reminds me of how I feel about FIL. He has made many rude comments to me over the years (not subjective - BIL and MIL have both stepped in to apologise for him).

How I deal with it is not to let such an unimpressive man spoil my life. He has no friends who aren't my MIL's, people don't laugh at his jokes .. he's too small a person to be bothered by.

(Ok, it was really satisfying to hear his disappointed "Oh" when we revealed that we'd given our son my dad's name for a middle name and not his, but after yet more rudeness during my pregnancy like fuck was he going in the name.)

This made me laugh!

I've had a similar changed relationship with my bil though for very different reasons. I cope by avoiding him as much as possible and by being polite and distant when we are at the same event or get together. For a while I avoided going to these too but as I've started to actively try to feel less bothered I've found that I am actually less bothered. Helps that I'm not the type to confront or argue against things, just silently think it and change the subject.

If he's unpleasant to your DH, why are you both spending time with him?

Isn’t it the plot of Pride and Prejudice?

Behind in his life goals, eh? Maybe his life goals are different to yours.

Life goals defined by him - not me. We always support him and hug him up.