Controlling the narrative

[Bathtimer]

DHs parents have a habit of controlling the narrative to make it seem like we all have a wonderful relationship and it really grates on me.
For example this weekend they came for dinner and DH commented that it’s nice to have all the children at the table as they are usually busy - FIL commented ‘it’s a good job we could make it so you could see your children’. The fact they were there was nothing to do with in-laws being there.
Then when we finished eating they showered me with compliments and thanked me profusely, I pointed out that DH did as much as me. MILs mother was cared for by her DIL and I feel like they setting me up for this role by making me feel like the wonderful DIL.

They make these kind of comments all the time. They have always kept us at arms length so it really bothers me that they are trying to give an illusion of closeness. If it’s just not true I do point it out.

YABU to point out when they are creating a false narrative.

YANBU to point it out.

The first comment is mildly irritating at best, I'm not sure how you've twisted her thanking you for a lovely meal into her setting you up to be her carer though.

I would just let them get on with it tbh, it doesn't sound like it's worth making a fuss over, just laugh about it with your dh later.

I don't know if these are just bad examples, but they seems like extremely minor comments to me. Just ignore. Is there something else making you feel particularly sensitive?

Doesn’t seem to be much of anything with those examples

Is there more to this than you’ve said?

The FIL comment is just a flippant, probably jokey, response to what your DH said.

As for the compliments, I don’t really see the issue.

Sorry.

good lord Op

talk about seeing shadows

waiting for the drip…

DH commented that it’s nice to have all the children at the table as they are usually busy - FIL commented ‘it’s a good job we could make it so you could see your children’. The fact they were there was nothing to do with in-law

if they don’t usually make it
but made when in laws there
kind of reasonable to think…

FIL’s comment just sounds like an attempt at humour. MIL was being complimentary about your hosting. Try taking people at face value rather than going down this wormhole of what sounds like something you’ve read in some crude armchair psychology book about “narratives” and people “controlling” them.

I don’t really understand what you’re upset or irritated about? Unless there’s more to the story?

DHs parents have a habit of controlling the narrative to make it seem like we all have a wonderful relationship and it really grates on me.

Do you not have a good relationship? In all honesty I’d rather have acknowledgment of how nice it is to have everyone there and be complimented on my hosting than have bitching, gripping or an under current. Social graces ease the inevitable rough spots in relationships, I can’t see what the issue is.

I have to admit you lost me at 'controlling the narrative'

They annoy you so everything they do or say will annoy you

I agree they sound like very innocuous comments to me.
And even if they have a different view on events than you it doesn't mean they are controlling the narrative it's just that very rarely do two people experience the same events in exactly the same way.
Unless there is a lot more going in I don't see the problem

Compared to some of the atrocious in-law behaviour you read about on here, I don't think this is very bad at all. Mildly irritating at most.

If there has been a shift yanbu to be suspicious. Make sure when the time comes to work less /not at all you fill your days with stuff YOU want to do.. Be absolutely not available at all. If they send requests for help forward every message to dh. Their ds..

You clearly don't like them, your voting is skewed to make you right in each option, and there isn't a single comment that agrees with you. Is this going the way you hoped?

So how exactly would this work OP? FIL comments ‘it’s a good job we could make it so you could see your children’. You - "oh don't be ridiculous Jim, please stop controlling the narrative"? MIL - "Bath that was an amazing dinner, really tasty and I loved your roasties, you're such a good cook". You - "oh just give over Betty we all know you're trying to control the narrative, I just won't stand for it"?

Obviously you really don't like your PIL, but I'm failing to see why just from your examples. What exactly do you mean that they keep you all at arm's length? A lot of people on here would be glad to have PIL who had boundaries!

So you’re annoyed that you think you’re being ‘kept at arm’s length’ but then when they’re warm and complimentary towards you, you’re pissed off? They absolutely cannot win.

Of course saying how lovely a meal is isn’t ‘setting you up to be a carer’ ffs. You’re being paranoid.

FIL's comment was a bit annoying but you will know best if it was a warm joke or a pompous barb!

Praise for your hosting and cooking though I think is nice. Setting you up as carer seems a huge reach! I was expecting you to say you thought it was sexist. My grandparents for example would praise me for cooking and my husband for decorating even if the tasks were vice versa and we'd said so. It was a if their brains just would not acknowledge that a man could cook a nice dinner or a woman could do a good job of painting a hallway! That did get on my nerves.

Sounds like there must be a huge backstory tbh. You feel the way you do but to react badly to kind comments isn't very gracious unless they have done something specific to be irritated by?

On reflection my OP does make me sounds a little unhinged! The dinner comment was a very exaggerated ‘with special thanks to Bath’, it felt odd as DH had invited them and was in the kitchen with me preparing the meal - he didn’t get a special thanks.

They often seem to twist things to suit how they want things to be perceived. For example they regularly claim their DD moved out of home because they were charging market rate rent so she thought she may as well move in with friends, she was actually paying a small amount but was very unhappy there so took the financial hit and moved in with friends - she then took it one
giant step further and moved to the other side of the world.

@Cooleswan by arms length I mean they made it very clear they wanted the kind of relationship where they were seen as the authority. MIL wanted to be the matriarch of the family, she would basically bully us until she got her way. They were not part of our support network as we were supposed to drop hints about needing help but not actually ask - that way they wouldn’t feel awkward if we asked and they didn’t want to help, it was all on their terms.

op… would i be correct ton thinking that feeling offended and / or pissed off… is a very familiar feeling to you?

Quite the opposite @brocollilover

It doesn’t sound like your in-laws twist situations, it sounds like you do. I can’t imagine how you twisted a compliment for your cooking into thinking that you were being set up to be a carer later on. It’s bizarre.
I am usually on the side of the DIL on threads like this, but not this time.

on the basis of this thread…. i disagree

added to which, you’re hardly the most objective!