To be worried my partner is losing interest

[PoppingCandy211]

Been together 1.5 years and living together now.

He’s very loving and caring but recently I feel like he switches off when I’m speaking. Almost looks bored.
I have also noticed he doesn’t say I love you as much… but still says it.
He’s stopped doing little things eg he never used to go in the petrol station without buying me a treat but now he doesn’t. He said he’s worried about money (we are finding it tough to be fair).
He started to pull out at a roundabout earlier but he stopped - as he stopped I said his name as a kneejerk reaction. He said it annoyed him as “he can drive” and apparently I “do it all the time”. I didn’t see why this had to be a big deal, and feel these things used to make him laugh rather than annoy him.

Today I had a smear test and it really really hurt (I won’t go into details). I felt really poorly and a bit sad when I came home. I would’ve loved him to look after me this evening but he went to his friends football team match (which he doesn’t play for, just went to watch).

I don’t know… he says there’s absolutely no issue and of course he’s happy but I can’t shake the feeling. I’m under a lot of stress health wise and at work, so that might not be helping me.

Am I being silly here?

Sounds like a normal long term relationship to me.

Sounds like now he's moved in with you and got his feet under the table he can be his true self. Doesn't have to bother anymore.

The question to focus on is 'is this relationship good enough for me?'

It doesn't sound like it is.

No advice really but following because I feel similar. It’s painful to watch the love and enthusiasm someone used to have for you just drain away right in front of your eyes

Honestly, sounds normal to me, relationships do change as they progress.

Expecting him to cancel his plans is unfair, commenting on his driving is very annoying, and repeatedly seeking reassurance is frustrating to be on the receiving end of.

I think that your subconscious is picking up on subtle changes in his behaviour and, understandably, it’s unsettling.

It might be because he’s losing interest. Or it might be because he feels like he doesn’t need to make as much effort. Or it might be that living together is highlighting little annoyances that he’d normally just have brushed off while you were only dating, but which seem bigger when there’s nowhere to escape from the other person.

Treats from the petrol station are so expensive.

Exclaiming when someone has to brake while driving is annoying and the sort of thing my aunt someone who flaps at minor things would do, so that is the kind of niggle that does grow old once you are through the stars in your eyes stage of love (normal).

Did he know you were hoping he would nurse you that evening? Because most people of either sex tend to treat others as they would wish to be treated unless informed an alternative is wanted. Both me and my DH prefer to be given space when feeling crap and someone hovering around offering sympathy and drinks etc would not be wanted, and I'd have been sending him to the footy so I could wallow in self pity watch a film and fall asleep on the sofa.
So that could just be an expectations thing.

But it is really normal for things to change gear at around this stage in a relationship, you can't stay at the heady heights of 'omg I'm so lucky' forever. Whether this slides into, I don't want this, or just easy familiarity is a prediction that's hard to make.

I can highly recommend a book which is awesome at laying out the different stages of relationships, the characteristic changes and how to navigate those changes without them destroying your relationship (don't take too much notice of the title, the book offers SO much help to all relationships even if you're still in love):
I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship https://amzn.eu/d/gE94mdL

This does sound fairly normal for a relationship which has moved out of the honeymoon stage and into the longer term stage.

I tend to think it's impossible to tell what this might mean for you in the long term because it depends on what is going on underneath the behaviour and what you both choose to do.

Only time will tell for certain. But after decades in a relationship I now see a marriage like the weather. It can be sunny, stormy, grey, freezing but we stay solid. We don't expect to make each other happy or do performance love we just expect to be there.

My kids have taught me that people have different 'love languages' (hate the expression but it is a helpful idea.

Nothing is more powerful than putting your energy into yourself, taking responsibility for your own happiness and then seeing how things feel. He may need your support but not know how to ask for it.

It is hard though when the honeymoon stage first goes - but it can come back again and again in different guises if you both love each other through the good and bad times - IME.

People are immediately jumping on the 'he's settling, you're starting to see his true self' sort of attitude, he's stopped doing these small romantic things... but it goes both ways. Do you still do those small things for him? That morning cup of coffee, that kiss as he comes through the front door... whatever...

The things you're talking about are minor though. It might just be stresses. I think it's normal. I wouldn't worry about it :).

It’s hard to say. This is what happens in a relationship - the initial excitement dies down to something a bit more mundane.

Are you the poster who has started aeveral
threads including the coffee not flowers one?

It's fairly normal in long-term relationships that aren't in the honeymoon stage that a lot of the "little things" fall by the wayside. Couples for whom that stuff is important have to make a more conscious effort to keep it up - it's not unreasonable to want those things but there has to be more direct communication about it.

On top of that, and I think this is probably the more important factor, you both have a lot on your mind right now. You're stressed about health and work, so you probably need a bit more comfort than usual, but communicating that might seem like even more stress. While he's stressed about money and probably withdrawing into himself because of those worries, and so he doesn't have the headspace for all those "little things".

You're not being silly but I think you both need to communicate what you really want while hopefully being understanding of what the other's worried about.