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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dh's comment is suspicious

13 replies

Evelynmooore · 03/04/2024 10:33

At the end/beginning of this my dh started acting very offish. He started to pull himself away, not be present and honestly felt like he had a personality transplant. He tried to say he couldnt pin point as to why he felt low in his mood. I think in the end he said it was money.

That hadn't been the first time he has switched on me before however this time he displayed clear disdain and resentment towards his life, including me and dc. My gut was telling me something was up. I suspect he was cheating since the whole being unsatisfied being a dad/partner cliche is classic. I asked him to which his reply was weird. He laughed and rather than just instantly deny it he claimed "were would I get the time?"

To be honest i've read enough mn's posts to know if a man wants to cheat he will get creative. And i suspect it was emotional since he spends alot of his time on his phone/reddit rather than physical.

Anyways, so I asked my partner what he would think if I was to develop feelings for someone else. This was during a very intimatw convo but the context of it makes it seem less random. To my surprise he said he "wouldn't mind/care since he knows feelings are out of your control." That was it. I found his response to be odd and alarming. Call me old fashion but I wouldnt stand nor be happy if my partner expressed love for someone else. When he saw my eyebrow raise he quickly added "well i'd be upset if it meant you won't love me anymore."

Am I looking into this too much or is that not weird? I can't help but feel he is projecting in that answer by trying to validate himself if he had/ or has feelings for someelse. Aibu or isn't it not on in a monogumas relationship to feel like that??

It seems even more out of character because he is very against the idea or three ways/open relationships. However his stance on that has changed from its not what he wants at all to a half hearted "hmm Im worried I couldnt please another woman (he suffers with ed)."

OP posts:
Evelynmooore · 03/04/2024 10:35

Sorry for the typos writing in a hurry!

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 03/04/2024 10:39

That’s not really a unusual response op he replied with sarcasm and has already said he’s stressed with finances. We are in a cost of living crisis! Your looking way to much into it.

toomuchfaff · 03/04/2024 10:39

Your gut is picking up on what your head doesn't want to acknowledge....

Evelynmooore · 03/04/2024 10:43

@Babsexxx i know when my partner is being sarcastic and he said it in a very factual way. It was only when he saw my reaction that he tried to claw back abit from it. He never actually said it was money, thinking back on it I asked him if it was because we've been down that road before. He insisted it wasn't. I guess i'll never know the real reason as to why he cut me and dc out for 3months. He was so so angry all the time. He took it out on both me and dc alot. It was very unlike him to the point that i questioned bpd.

OP posts:
Evelynmooore · 03/04/2024 10:46

Think I should add he is has been very neglegent in our relationship. We haven't been on a date for over six months and although we have been engaged for over 2 years doesn't seem bothered about actually following it through to marriage.

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 03/04/2024 10:55

Evelynmooore · 03/04/2024 10:43

@Babsexxx i know when my partner is being sarcastic and he said it in a very factual way. It was only when he saw my reaction that he tried to claw back abit from it. He never actually said it was money, thinking back on it I asked him if it was because we've been down that road before. He insisted it wasn't. I guess i'll never know the real reason as to why he cut me and dc out for 3months. He was so so angry all the time. He took it out on both me and dc alot. It was very unlike him to the point that i questioned bpd.

If he’s struggling with MH he will pull away without meaning to op so I wouldn’t head straight to cheating! I am recovering from debilitating anxiety and panic attacks meds are working great!

I can honestly say I definitely wasn’t the wife I usually was at all I would even snap if dh even attempted a general conversation as my head wasn’t clear at all I felt burnt out constantly from all the panic attacks and anxiety I was incredibly rude and short nothing like my usual loving self!

Is this a possibility?

GreigeO · 03/04/2024 11:02

It sounds like you're not happy with the relationship. It also sounds like it's unlikely to improve. That means you're probably best ending it, without stressing over whether or not he has been faithful.

It's irrelevant, whether or not he's been faithful, if you're not happy.

JellyMouldJnr · 03/04/2024 11:06

He sounds quite depressed to me.

WhatWhereWho · 03/04/2024 11:10

So you have convinced yourself he's being unfaithful with no evidence, are asking him questions and what ifs and were ignoring his low mood over money worries?

If you were a guy most responses would say you were the issue.

juniorspesh · 03/04/2024 11:21

I think if you're having those sorts of emotionally intimate conversations I wouldn't really say he'd pulled away.

5128gap · 03/04/2024 11:31

He's bored and dissatisfied with his life and the idea of spicing it up with another woman has almost certainly crossed his mind. Hence his downplaying the possibility of you having feelings for someone else, and talking in terms of practical barriers- time, his ED- rather than a denial he'd want to do it. Whether he's been dipping his toe in the water by engaging with other women virtually or in person, is anyone's guess. But regardless, things are not in good shape. I think you need an honest conversation without all the 'what ifs' and drawing conclusion from what he's saying. Ask him is he happy with his life and with you and if not, what does he think should be done about it.

Evelynmooore · 03/04/2024 12:36

It may be that he was genuinely depressed, but was that because he didn't want to be with me anymore or had feelings for someone else?

The reason why im finding it hard is because last time I had a gut feeling something was wrong I did catch him out on a lie. So its hard to ignore myself again when he has proven to not be trust worthy.

OP posts:
Loveydoveyduck · 18/08/2024 00:11

He sounds depressed and you sound fed up.

You either sit down and talk your relationship through or you both go your separate ways? 🤦‍♀️

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