To stop auntie visiting our house

[fatFriendsFan]

Whenever there is a special occasion, such as Xmas, Easter, etc, my mam comes over my house with my sister.
My sister has mental health issues and lives on her own. However, she is a heavy smoker and smells strongly of it, as well as personal hygiene issues.
I can tolerate the smell whilst she is here but my teenage daughter absolutely hates it. She is now refusing to be around when my mam and sister are here.
This is putting me in an awkward position as they would love to see my DD.
I understand how my DD is feeling and although I try and persuade her to join us, she refuses.
What could I do? Should I tell my mam to come on her own? I feel bad for my sister but this situation is never going to change and I need to put my own family first

Do you have the type of relationship with your sister whereby you could ask/tell her to wash and change before she comes to yours?
If that enables her/them being able to visit perhaps she'll take notice.

Confront it with your sister. Either tell her directly that she smells or a little less direct by mentioning that you can smell something smokey.

Teach your daughter to be understanding.

If she smells that badly she really needs to be told to wash before going anywhere. The problem is that involves having a shower, washing her hair, washing her clothes, drying them in a smoke-free environment and so on. Do you think she's actually capable of that?

Yes, I agree with pps. OK, she has mental health issues and I get that that's a minefield, but on the one hand she clearly wants to see your daughter, so she needs to grasp that in order to do that she has to make an effort to wash and change her clothes. How can it be doing her any favours to let her continue to alienate people (even close family) when there is an obvious solution.

I used to give a lift to someone with this problem and my car stank for days afterwards. It did affect my willingness to continue helping them - and they weren't a relative or a friend. They had an Oxford degree, but other issues, clearly.

My DD is very tolerant, she has put up with a lot of issues with family members over the years (both mine and my DH's family). I could honestly write a soap opera with the dramas we've had to endure over the years!
I can see that she has had enough and I actually don't blame her.
My family try to guilt trip me into feeling sorry for my sister but we are both in our 40s and it is clear that she is happy with the way she lives. Her house stinks and she doesn't wash her clothes well. I don't judge her as that is how she is choosing to be, but it's getting to the point that we are all trying to keep her happy.
She is pretty sensitive and was upset when I told her that her house smells.
I think I'm going to have to tell her that this is what the issue is and take the brunt of it.

Sounds v familiar however we don't see my dsis rarely and my kids refuse to go to her house as it sound v similar.

My mum does tell me sister that her house and herself smells and she is very unkempt and sometimes she listens sometimes she doesn't.

Could you meet outside, and not in your home? Maybe an outdoor cafe so your DD has fresh air, and you can leave when DD has had enough?

This

She is pretty sensitive and was upset when I told her that her house smells.

But did absolutely nothing about it? Continues to smell and lives in a house that smells but is sensitive when others mention it? That doesnt add up, it reeks of selfish rather than sensitive, you want others to be around you and put up with your bad odour just because you cba with personal hygiene? The stranger on the bus also feels the same but they don't say anything.

I'd be telling her very direct, the reasons (body odour) and how to solve the issue (hygiene), if she doesn't take any action then we don't meet up at home. It's not your fault, your only the messenger, the messenger who represents the masses of those who won't say.

I don’t think you need to “do” anything. If you’re happy to see your mum and sister but your daughter doesn’t want to, then leave things as they are. You can see them, your daughter can do her own thing.

Well if your sister wants to have a relationship with her niece she needs to be told the truth about the situation.

Of course it will hurt to be told she smells objectionable, but we all of us have this Social responsibility or we find ourselves pretty much ostracised.

She has the facilities to keep herself and her clothes clean, unlike lots of people. She needs to improve this massively.

they would love to see my DD

But your DD doesn't want to see them, and as she's a teenager now, I think you need to respect her wishes.

You mention your sister has mental health issues, which makes me wonder whether there are other things that your DD finds difficult about her in addition to the fact that she smells so bad.

I think your sister does need to understand that there are consequences to having poor hygiene. If the problem is that she genuinely can't cope with looking after herself or has OCD/hoarding/executive dysfunction problems that she would actually like to overcome, then you and your mum could potentially try to help her with that. But if she is actually happy with the way she lives and doesn't want to make any changes, then I think she needs to accept that this makes her company unpleasant for people that she would like to see.