Visiting family sleeping in the living room - workable?!

[KeyboardMash]

Genuinely looking for some perspective, as I'm overtired, can't sleep, and a little exasperated with this branch of the in-laws at the best of times - so there's a good chance I'm being a bit of an arse!

Do you think it is feasible for guests to be given a bed in the living room when it's the only communal room in the flat? So they cannot go to bed until everyone else in both families chooses to go to bed? Or is this unrealistic, impractical, and said guests should really have got a hotel for the sake of all concerned?!

I am one of said guests, and I would really like to be able to go to bed when I fucking want after a long day sightseeing - but I do understand that other people (e.g. DH and his brother, who we are visiting) would like to be able to stay up and chat. I guess if we were in a hotel there would be no option but to do that at all. But both the kids and I would be a lot better off! The kids have got a single bed to share which I also don't think is entirely feasible. They are 4 and 7, and would absolutely just kick each other and argue all night. As it is, I am in the single with DD2 and DD1 has been up till bloody 11pm then sleeping in the living room with DH. She's loving being up with her cousins all evening but I'm dreading trying to reset her after three nights of this. I'm getting kicked in the back all night and am now just generally cranky and can't sleep. So there's a chance my perspective is off! I am not sure if the sleeping arrangements were explained to DH before we came - I would certainly have made alternative suggestions if I'd known! An airbed in this room plus a single airbed in the study would have saved things - although one of us would have had to sleep in the living room!

I have very fond memories of staying with my cousins, or them staying with us when we were growing up. We would be 12 in a 3 bed house.
So, I struggle to understand families staying in hotels when visiting family.

However, I think 2 nights is probably long enough.

Surely if you had booked a hotel, then you'd have the same issue with bedtimes though, as your dh would be wanting to stay up late chatting with his brother when you'd be wanting to travel back to the hotel ?

Could your dh and his brother not have retired to the kitchen ?

Yep. I think everyone else is going to come away from this with very fond memories. It's me that's tired and cranky! We're in another country - a two hour flight away - so three nights was what I beat us down to anticipating it would be cramped and difficult. You can't sit in the kitchen - it's too tiny and is completely covered in stuff (bottles, unwashed glasses, pans, old food, new food - it's a bit of a bohemian set-up!)

are You on the first night? Tomorrow, move to a hotel. You are entitled to a full nights sleep and that isn’t going to happen with 2 people in a single.

this drives me crazy. It’s so rude to ask people to not get rest just because some people want to stay up late visiting.

Nope - I've endured three nights. Home today - thank fuck! I think that's my feeling - I can't imagine, as a host, sitting up playing card games and doing magic tricks while my guests visibly wilted. Half the reason I came to bed with DD1 and left DD2 up was because if I fought to get her into bed then had to sit up myself, I would end up sitting there with a slapped-arse face obviously just waiting for everyone else to fuck off so I could sleep, and DH would end up pissed off with me. They just operate on a completely different timetable to us and it doesn't work being crammed in with them - but I don't know if I'm being too uptight!

sounds like a typical family mash together and I'm sure your kids will think back on these times with enjoyment. I think you just accept it when visiting family in small homes

I eould always make sure guests had their own space

4 and 7 are fine in a single, maybe top to toe though

I think if it’s three nights, school holidays and everyone else is okay with it then it’s fine.

They wouldn't be. Not these two - but I can see why it might be deemed a perfectly ordinary set-up. It's more the "guests in the only reception room" issue that just seemed like an obvious bad idea.

I think I could do it again if we brought two single airbeds so me and the kids can at least retire as needed.

It sounds like everyone else is having a great time, so assuming you’re not having to drive a long distance or operate heavy machinery I do think that sucking it up for a short period is fine. If it was that bad I might have ordered an air bed to be delivered after the first night though.

It is customary - and polite - for guests to have the best bed, and the hosts to slum it in the living room. We always give up our bed for guests, it's about being hospitable.

Hmmm. It's looking fifty-fifty on the poll. The kids are enjoying it - although they'd also enjoy ice cream for breakfast and I don't think that would be good for them overall! Although I appreciate a few nights of limited sleep isn't quite the same, and may be worth the trade-off.

I do struggle with these in-laws. They're lovely but it's all very chaotic. We set out for a day trip but they can't get out of the apartment before midday then drift about getting diverted on the way to anything, so you don't get where you're going till 3/4pm. It means we eat late, get home late - and then inevitably everyone stays up late. I feel like if they could get their arses in gear we could have a nice social evening without having to be up so late - although it would still require tem to go to bed so that we could! We got a sixty euro fine each on the metro because they made a mistake with the tickets. SiL keeps trying to offload meaningful objects onto us so there's a pile of books and clothes I don't want that she expects us to take back - if you politely reject it she just explains her kids loved it and adds it back to the pile. All this is rather colouring my response!

Assume you know they don’t have a spare room so set up was going to be like that, it’s on you to book a hotel. Perhaps they felt that they should stay up entertaining you? I’ve been in similar situation, my brother and SIL visiting, and I slept on the sofa and gave up my bed so was waiting for them to go to bed before I did, and I was exhausted. I always make it clear to my guests what the sleeping arrangement is, thankfully most don’t come now as I’ve been here over 20yrs (near london) and they’ve all been a few times.

🤣🤣 oh I definitely think I’m team in-laws after this update.

I find that approach to life much more relaxed and enjoyable than having to get up early, have plans, be back by a certain time etc. And it sounds like she’s really trying to build that connection through the meaningful objects she’s sharing with you. That’s very sweet. (Although there will now be a load of people saying how awful they are and how she’s trying to palm old shit off onto you 😂)

I would definitely book a hotel. Enjoy the daytimes together and get a good rest at night.

Hell no. Sounds horrific. I would never ever stay anywhere in these circumstances. I would have booked a hotel.

Living room is probably fine for a few nights but not a week.

Two kids in one bed ok for one night but not more than that . I'd get them a campbed / blow up bed for the other child.

It does sound exhausting! I would have put the kids to sleep their cousins, was that not an option?

If you had a hotel, would you be happy doing bedtimes so DH could go back home and chat to his brother in the evening?

If so, I’d get a hotel from now on. If not, you have to suck it up I think, and just plan for trip lengths you can cope with.

If it makes you feel any better, when we used to stay at the in-laws, we did have a room - but MIL would come into our room as soon as she woke up to talk to us, regardless of if we were still asleep. I’m talking 5am, not that we were getting up very late. DH talked to her about it so instead of coming in, she’d bring him a cup of tea and leave it outside the door when she made hers, and then knock on the door every ten minutes telling him it was getting cold… Staying over with people is fun 🥴

OP you must be exhausted.

Too late or now but if you have to do this again.

Two children sharing a single - top and tail - two flat sheets folded around the child like a sleeping bag with the fold by their feet. then pillows between the feet of each child so all they can kick is a pillow.

Sounds hideous. I would buy them a couple of air mattresses for Christmas, I've been in that scenario only once for one night where I - single friend at the time - had to wait until the couples had finished their evening socialising so I could sleep on the sofa bed, it's horrible and it makes you feel so unvalued as a guest as well.

I am the family member that lives abroad, and often hosting, quite frankly, if people choose to visit and not take their own accommodation, that's their choice. We are not a hotel and whilst we love having guests, we can only offer what we can offer.

I give up my bed for our elderly parents, but that's it.

You know the situation, you know your limits, arrange your trip accordingly. Or don't go. Simples.

From what you’ve written it sounds like you’re the only one with a problem. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to dislike a situation like this, but in your case I would advocate for your DH to visit with the kids by himself as soon as they’re big enough. Then maybe you can accompany them every other year and just suck it up (or book a room that year).
I think it would be more fun for everyone involved. We do that in our family with camping. I don’t like it but don’t want to be a killjoy so DH and kids do it mostly without me.

Still mixed results, so I feel reasonably validated and justified in taking better charge of arrangements next time. They are really sweet, well-meaning people, but not good at thinking outside of their own habits and way of doing things. It's either a hotel next time or we bring a second checked bag filled with bedding and I make it clear we need non-social space for sleeping. I don't mind bunking down in makeshift nest and just making do - but I need sleep! So do the kids. They're having a grand time but we're veering towards wired/hyperactive then tantrum territory. It's been fun but we aren't doing it this way again. I've spoken to DH and so far he seems amenable to that. I think he's found the aimless wandering round busy city streets with our untamable four year old a bit stressful!

Sort of. I have a bigger problem with it than DH, but he's found it a bit trying too - it's just the payoff is better for him because it's his brother. Also, while one of the kids has enjoyed staying up late, the other hasn't so much - and just because the older one likes it doesn't mean it's not a problem. She's tired and getting volatile. She likes staying up late, but she isn't up to judging how good for her it is.

I do need to find a way to facilitate them all enjoying time together, but I think there's a better arrangement than this - something that lets everyone have fun but doesn't leave us all tired and cranky!

Thanks all!