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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH lots of time to himself, AIBU being frustrated?

21 replies

HandsFull2U2 · 02/04/2024 21:23

I have 2 children DD 22 & DS 3mo. Still getting used to having 2 under 2 and DH is carrying on like usual. He’s got season ticket to football so goes about once a week, sometimes twice. Has a lads night or golf at least once a month. Went on a lads long weekend when I was 6m pregnant with DS and is going again in 2 months time. I can count on one hand how many days I’ve been away from the kids just myself for more than a couple of hours. Only had my hair done twice since DD was born.
DH says to have time to myself but when he has the kids it always seems like it was a tough day for him.

I knew having kids would change how much time we’d have to ourselves but DH life hasn’t changed.

How much time do you & DH have? AIBU thinking DH should spend cut back on football/lads nights?

OP posts:

Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 02/04/2024 21:27

Interesting you have started your post with I have 2 children not we have 2 children

For every hour free time he gets you get the same. Genuine free time not doing housework / admin

Pigeonqueen · 02/04/2024 21:30

He has a tough time of it with the two dc? Good. Let him crack on.

Paintmybathroom · 02/04/2024 21:30

And why is it bad if he has a tough day?

Just leave him to it. Might give him some appreciation for what you do while he's off doing his own thing!

Coldupnorth87 · 02/04/2024 21:30

Bet it's a tough day for you too with the kids.

You're default parent already...

Zanatdy · 02/04/2024 21:32

Just let him have a bad day, it’s the same for you. Start matching his time; tell him you’ve got a girls weekend planned. Perhaps he will see he’s being unreasonable. My ex never saw it though, he didn’t do boys weekends but had a season ticket and was always overseas for work.

Original poster

HandsFull2U2 · 02/04/2024 21:36

I don’t really have many friends so hard to justify spending time away when it would just be me on my own. If i’m honest I don’t want the time to myself, just him spend more time with us.

OP posts:

Autienotnaughtie · 02/04/2024 21:39

Do you discuss it or does he tell you. I would definitely take time for yourself, haircut, gym, massage. If you want to make more friends you could take up a hobby.

I get what you mean but I think the only way he is going to appreciate you and everything you do is if he gets a taste of it. Plus if he spends more time with kids that might become the norm

Investinmyself · 02/04/2024 21:43

You need to take time he dies for him to get it. A twice a week hobby - gym? Swimming? Sit in a cafe and read.
I bet he didn’t check you were ok to have kids just assumed. Do same to him.

Coldupnorth87 · 02/04/2024 21:44

Tell him that then.

Original poster

HandsFull2U2 · 02/04/2024 21:46

Season ticket doesn’t need discussing it’s just when the matches are so nothing can be done about rearranging.
Lads holiday deposit paid while I was pregnant on the understanding we’d see how we were getting on with 2 but he’s just been assumed he’s still going.
He’s said after a few hours with DD when she was 18mo “I don’t know how you do all day everyday”. It almost like he appreciates how hard it can be that day and maybe for a day or two after but then forgets it when he makes plans without seeing how’d they affect me.

It’s simple things like booking his hair cuts not thinking about what I’d be up to with DC. Making plans for him/us to see people with or without DC not asking if it’s okay with me.

Ive heard some people say that DC should fit into your life & not to change to suit them but really ?! It’s normal for social life/me time to take a hit for a little while in the beginning right?

OP posts:

rwalker · 02/04/2024 21:51

You sound lonely
DH will find it tough on his own not because he’s useless it’s because your always there and he rarely has to do it
don’t let that worry you as the more he’s does it the quicker he’ll get into his stride

it’s a difficult one because you say you don’t have friends so your Only looking to dh for company and interest

I never thought I’d recommend any think like this but try a yoga class
it’s social but you don’t have to engage with people so there no problem not knowing any and the relaxation element is fantastic
and more to the point if it’s not for you sack it off

he goes to football once a week occasionally twice and plays golf once a month that’s not massive

2 weekends in 6 months is open for discussion some wouldn’t mind some would

jannier · 02/04/2024 22:00

Why have you not booked your own haircut....he has? You need to find some time away from your children even if it's to the shop....then say to him we're taking the kids out next weekend etc....dont wait for him to plan it. Tell him you need more than home alone with the kids

museumum · 02/04/2024 22:04

You need to start taking the time you need and letting him have “a tough day”. Then if you find there’s not enough family time left you can talk about him being home more but honestly the first step is for you to get haircuts and whatever else you need for your wellbeing - post natal yoga? Pilates? Swimming? Or just time to read a book in a cafe?
making him stay home with you while you miss out on any time for yourself isn’t going to make you any happier.

babaisyou · 02/04/2024 22:07

Why are you enabling him?

Tell him what you need and assert it.

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 22:11

HandsFull2U2 · 02/04/2024 21:36

I don’t really have many friends so hard to justify spending time away when it would just be me on my own. If i’m honest I don’t want the time to myself, just him spend more time with us.

You don’t have to justify how you spend your time.

I LOVE going to the cinema alone in the middle of the afternoon. Next time there’s a film you fancy, leave him with the kids and head out for a few hours.

if him parenting for a full day just creates extra work for you, a few hours away while he practices may be more manageable at first. Then you can build up as he becomes more confident and competent.

alternatively, can he take them to the in laws for a night to give you some downtime?

Sorry…just re-read your post and didn’t respond to the last bit. If he’s always out and about, would it suit you as a family to spend more time together away from home? Coming up to summer it gets easier as you can go to the park etc more easily. He also sounds quite active so maybe trips like swimming could be fun.

TheLongThinTetrisStick · 02/04/2024 22:21

You're taking on unnecessary mum guilt. He's telling you he's had a hard day because two kids under two is hard. But you've normalised it so you don't mention it. So now the default is you feel guilty any time you have time to yourself because you're thinking of him, and worrying whether he's doing ok, and worried he's actually going to be annoyed with you for taking time out. You need to stop feeling this way. You are entitled to free time, as is he.

Original poster

HandsFull2U2 · 02/04/2024 22:22

It seems hard/selfish to now ask for more time for myself. It’s been almost 2 years since DD was born so to now ask to have me time means changing how we do things.

If DH has football on the Saturday & I want me time Sunday when do we spend time together?

After seeing all your responses and thinking about it, I think it’s 2 issues for me.

DH having time to himself away from us which makes days tougher for me but means I have less opportunities for me time.

2. Me being able to justify spending time away from DC.

OP posts:

Investinmyself · 02/04/2024 23:09

You sound really put upon. The season ticket is him assuming you’ll have dc. He hasn’t asked you just assumed the kids are your responsibility. What if you had already made plans or had an appointment. I’d not be available next match day.

Candleabra · 02/04/2024 23:13

Another selfish man whose life has barely changed since having children. A season ticket is a huge commitment, he should be grovelling at your feet to go to all those matches.
Take time for yourself, go meet some friends, do anything - but he has to get used to being a parent, not just an occasional backup for mum.

Pigeonqueen · 02/04/2024 23:22

HandsFull2U2 · 02/04/2024 22:22

It seems hard/selfish to now ask for more time for myself. It’s been almost 2 years since DD was born so to now ask to have me time means changing how we do things.

If DH has football on the Saturday & I want me time Sunday when do we spend time together?

After seeing all your responses and thinking about it, I think it’s 2 issues for me.

DH having time to himself away from us which makes days tougher for me but means I have less opportunities for me time.

2. Me being able to justify spending time away from DC.

Why are you worrying about spending time with him when he’s not remotely worried about spending time with you? You need to find your anger.

museumum · 03/04/2024 15:42

HandsFull2U2 · 02/04/2024 22:22

It seems hard/selfish to now ask for more time for myself. It’s been almost 2 years since DD was born so to now ask to have me time means changing how we do things.

If DH has football on the Saturday & I want me time Sunday when do we spend time together?

After seeing all your responses and thinking about it, I think it’s 2 issues for me.

DH having time to himself away from us which makes days tougher for me but means I have less opportunities for me time.

2. Me being able to justify spending time away from DC.

You don’t need all of Sunday. Just a couple of hours. I go to parkrun and have a bacon roll Saturday morning, DH cycles Sunday morning. We’re all together for lunch and the afternoons and we’ll both cancel if we need the whole day for something big.

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